Friday, July 15, 2005

BRAFFY AWARDS: The Nominees

[ABSOLUTELY FINAL UPDATE!: Voting closes down in about an hour for the 1st Annual Braffies. And it appears we have an overwhelming winner. We have such an overwhelming winner, it makes even tabulating the votes or holding a garish award ceremony kind of anti-climactic and silly. But I already paid the caterers, SO IT'S ON!

I'll be proudly live-blogging the actual Braffy ceremony tomorrow. Unfortunately, Sean Hannity found out who was going to win the actual award and has declined to attend, so I had to scramble and find someone equally evil, who also had the afternoon free. So our new host will be my personal hero and a close friend, the Dark Lord, the Anti-Christ, Lucifer, Satan, the Prince of Darkness. So be sure to look out for that! And thanks to everyone who voted, and all the below-enumerated blogs for their kind support!]

[UPDATE THE THIRD: First off, special warm thanks to the whole team at the delightfully-entitled "I Got a Boner for Blogger" for the link. Oh, and also E-Lo over at Squirrel Stories. Check out all of these people's sites! I demand it!

Santorum keeps racking up the votes...But I'm not even ready to call this fucker yet. Your official voting deadline will be Friday July 15th at midnight. Then, I'll tally these bastards and get you your official results! As promised, I will be doing my best to contact the winner and present them with some sort of an appropriate prize.]

[UPDATE #2: And on and on and on we go. Santorum continues racking up an impressive lead, but the BTK Killer also gets his very first vote. Amazing the kind of animosity we're seeing towards Rick Santorum...Right now, he has easily outpaced a man who has admitted to strangling entire families to death.

Also, a big big shoutout to Sloth, who has graciously linked this post on her blog. Welcome, Slothvillains!]

[UPDATE: The voting continues! Special thanks to Horsey for really drumming up some traffic for the contest. It is really really really really like totally appreciated. Just wanted to thank everyone who voted and urge all those readers who haven't voted to vote. You can do so anonymously! Even though this shoots to hell my whole "one man one vote" concept!

Anyone not wishing for Sen. Richard "Sticky Dicky" Santorum to take the prize better get off their ass and vote, like, 30000 times.]

[NOTE: I am still updating The Inertia, below this post. I am leaving this up top in order to encourage everyone who visits the blog this week to please please vote below for the Braffies!. It's your blogic duty.

And if any of you happen to own your own blogs, hey, why not mention the Worst Person Alive awards to your readership? The more votes I get, the better chance I have of Fox picking up the broadcast rights next year...]

Braffy season is coming to a close. All 8 nominees have been announced, and so this column will provide a quick recap. Then, you will all vote below in the comments for the winner. I'm going to keep this post at the top of the page for a few days, to give everyone who wants to adequate voting time, and then I'll tabulate the winners and announce them in the official Braffy post, where I'll be live-blogging the awards as they happen!

But first, we'll announce the recipient of Crushed by Inertia's Special Achievement in Assholery Award, which will be presented at the Braffies.

To announce the winner of this special award, live via satellite all the way from the Eighth Circle of Hell (named Maleboge, and reserved for the knowingly fraudulent), Former President Richard M. Nixon.



Thank you, Lons, for having me on your show. There have been some issues I'd like to discuss with the American people, and...

Um, Mr. President, this isn't a show.

What?

It's a blog.

A blog?

Yes.

What the hell is a blog?

Well, it's a website where I write about...

Website? I don't have time to natter on about nonsense words! Nixon's already been dead for a decade, he's got important stuff to say.

I'm sorry, I just thought...

Isn't enough they try to impeach me, but then they've got to resurrect me just to fuck around with some Jew bastard on his Blob or whatever...I'm just sick of it. Well, that's it, I'm never leaving Hell again. You won't have Richard Nixon's amorphous, disembodied spirit to kick around any more.

Mr. President, don't be that way. Please, just read the name on the card I sent you.

Oh, that thing? I used it as scratch paper. I've been writing up a new enemies list. Wanna hear it?

Not really.

You're on it.

Oh, fine, I'll just announce it myself. The honoree for the 2005 Special Achievement in Assholery, to be presented at the Braffy Awards, is none other than Fox News' own John Gibson!




Oh, man, that guy is such a turd. Just look at that picture. He's barely human! It looks like someone shaved a chipmunk and then turned it over to the GOP for intensive brainwashing.

I'm not go to get into a whole thing about what an asshole John Gibson is, because we'd be here for a year. I'm just going to show you this link to his columns, and let you figure otu what a complete and utter douche this guy is all on your own.

Oh, fine, okay, here's one quote from Gibson that made it to the cover of Maclean's Magazine:

"Canada is a vast ice-encrusted wasteland dedicated to beer and America bashing."

John, I'm sure our Canadian readers are going to love you!

Okay, so he'll be getting a special award. I wonder if he'll show up in person to receive it? After all, those Fox News guys, they love encountering people with differing viewpoints, and engaging in fair, frank and honest discussions about issues of public policy.

So, now, on to the nomimees. After having Nixon introduce John Gibson, it was really hard to think of another guest to come on who could top him in terms of pure villainy. I mean, I'm pretty sure our current Commander-in-Chief wouldn't stoop to hosting an entry on my little old blog..........

Would he?

[Faint sounds of Hail to the Chief play, growing louder by the moment]

Oh my goodness, folks...You're not going to believe this...

[Enter five Secret Service agents scanning the room for evildoers]

It's actually happening...

[Lons is forcibly removed by some of the President's personal security squad, and removed to a secret location for his own protection]

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, WOULD YOU PLEASE WELCOME, THE 40-SOMETHING-IST PRESIDENT OF THESE UNITED STATES OF AMURICA, ME, GEORGE WALKER BUSH!

Can we get a picture of me?

Yeah, lookin' good, George.

The kids love me.

Anyway, what am I doing here? Oh, yeah, I remember...We're gonna read us a story called "My Pet Goat."

Once upon a time, kids, there was a pet goat and he...

What, Andy Card? You say something terrible has happened? Oh, you say I'm supposed to announce award nominees and not read "My Pet Goat"? But I really like "My Pet Goat"! Okay, fine, you can read it to me later, before naptime.

Hey, wait, do you even still work for me?

Anyway, my fellow Americans, let me get serious with you for a minute. The Braffies are a treasured yearly tradition here in Amurica. Why, I remember, as a little boy, growing up in Texas, tuning in to watch the Braffies, thinking about what a wonderful country we live in that we can give prizes to folks just for being themselves.

Right now, Amurica is involved in a fight for liberty and freedom throughout the globe, and I hope you'll join me in sending young people to die in a fiery blaze in a far-off desert to defend these abstract cliches.

Our first nominee this evening hails from my home state, which is Texas, and I'd like to remind you once again, please, not to mess with it. It's just a bad idea.

Pastor Joel Osteen

"This guy's barely a religious leader. He's building a cult of personality, using religion to make himself famous. This guy is doing exactly what the Bible (the Old Testament) warns about...he's making himself a false prophet, convincing people that he's got all of the answers to life's really hard questions, building up his own glory rather than God's."

Our next nominee resides not far away from Crushed by Inertia headquarters, in Los Angelses, California, where my good friend Arnold Schwollenszenagger is Governor. Arnold, you're an inspiration to dirty, disgusting foreigners everywhere!

Brett Ratner

"This guy directed Rush Hour and Rush Hour 2. His idea of funny is jokes about how black people be all listening to the radio really loud and shit. He thinks Chris Tucker making fun of peopel with Asian accents, and Jackie Chan falling down repeatedly, is the height of comic genius. I look forward to the stream of Cyclops fart gags, and Rogue's incessant mugging. It's gonna be quite a summer!"

This next guy has been the favorite basically since the very beginning. He's a professional poker player by trade. I like cards, but I don't really play poker very well. I think it's all them numbers on the cards, throws me off. Also, what's a "jack." I know about Kings and Queens. I've met a few of them since I been President. But I ain't never met a Jack. Except that guy who calls Bill O'Reilly...Jack Mehoffer.

Antonio Esfandiari

"Words fail me. In the face of 'pluckworthy honey,' what can you do but close down your blog for the night, curl up in the fetal position and pray for the future of our nation?"

I have a close personal relationship with this next nominee. Not as close as my personal relationship with Jesus. Cause let me tell you, that guy and I are close. If he weren't the Lord, and I weren't a married man, people might think we were one of them gay couples what wants to get hitched, you know what I mean? I'm just saying, that if Jesus actually came back to Earth and wanted to meet up with me, I'd probably be willing to teabag him.

If that's wrong, fine, them I'm just wrong. It will be the one thing I've been wrong about since becoming President.

Anyway, this nominee is my good friend, and a Senator from Pennsylvania.

Rick Santorum

"But Little Ricky Santorum takes it so much further than voting incorrectly on every major issue. He's possibly the most outspoken ignoramus in America. No one who knows less feels the need to pontificate publicly more than the Indistinguished Gentleman from Pennsylvania."

Who haven't I done yet? Man, am I getting confused. Someone come in here and help a brother out.

Okay, fine, I got one. This guy was the BTK Killer. That's a pretty funny name. If I were gonna be a serial killer, I'd want a really cool name, not something dumb like BTK. Like the Ultra-Secret Stealth Super-Dynamo Killer. And, yeah, I'd leave some awesome symbol at the site of all my killings, so people would know that the Ultra Secret Stealth Super Dynamo Killer had been there. Like maybe the Presidential seal or something!

Oh, but then they'd know it was me...Dang...I'll think of something else.

Dennis Rader

"Is that how serial killers think? I always imagined something more like...'The voices in my head command me to kill this girl and feast upon her duodenum! I'm covered in ants! STOP LOOKING AT ME!!'

It's way more scary if these guys are fully self-aware. Like, they're walking around, thinking about being a serial killer, observing their own behavior with emotional distance, recording their actions like data. Chilling..."

The next nominee has written some of my personal favorite songs. When I released the names of all the songs on my iPod last year, in a desperate attempt tog et people's minds off the war in You Know Where...(irak)...he showed up on that bastard more than once. I'll just say this about my taste in music...if the guy is about 40 pounds overweight and wears a cowboy hat about 3 sizes too big for his head, I'm gonna like his stuff.

Toby Keith

"But, man, country music just sucks so badly now, just represents everything ugly in the American character - it's taste for oversimplification, it's fear and hatred of progress and displays of intelligence, its prejudicial and exclusion-oriented religiocity and its tendency towards really big, stupid looking hats."

I don't get a lot of time to watch TV, cause I'm busy running the nation. Plus, I try to get like 16-18 hours of sleep per day. Just to stay fresh. ALERT.

But I sure do love that Donald Trump. He represents everything that I love about America - our greed, our vanity, our taste for Eastern European models. This next nominee was a failed contestant on his TV show.

Tana Goertz

"She isn't really a massive clueless dolt. She's a shrewd, calculating bitch who genuinely thinks this whole bumpkin act is charming and endearing. It's all this bullshit "can-do" attitude, mixed with the tendency to cop out whenever a task becomes too cumbersome because, after all, I'm just a simple housewife from Iowa."

I can't really say too much about the next nominee. Just allow me to assure you, my administration is doing everything it can to protect all of America from the dangers represented by Mr. Von Doom and his Latverian armies of the night. We must stop these terrorist killers. I will personally smoke Dr. Doom out of his hole, wherever that hole may be. Hopefully, it's in Irak, cause we already got a whole mess of guys over there.

Victor Von Doom

"This is a guy who once condemned his girlfriend to Hell, convincing her he had given up on his evil experiments, and then used her skin and bones to make new armor for himself. I mean, that's pure concentrated evil. (More evil than Zach Braff, the very namesake of the Braffies? I'm not sure...it's close...)"

I know it has been a long afternoon, and I will unfortunately not be able to take any questions. So allow me to just wish you all a pleasant evening, and encourage any of you who are not paralyzed from the neck down or mentally retarded to please, please join the military. Please. Seriously. You probably won't even die, honest.

[Everyone exits except a half-naked and bound Lons, lying atop a urine-soaked Torah]

Wha...What happened? Oh, the Braffy nominations column is done? Sweet...

So, okay, everyone be sure to vote in the comments of THIS VERY COLUMN. Only votes left in the below comments will count towards the Braffies. VOTE! VOTE VOTE VOTE VOTE!

38 comments:

Jonathan said...

Rick Santorum gets my vote. (Although is this Ohio? Because in that case I'll vote again in a few minutes.)

Horsey said...

Rick Santorum FTW. He's the only person I know for whom the word "spacefeg", meaningless though it is, is perfectly applicable.

Victor Von Doom is evil, but I heard that he once reduced Paris to a smouldering pile of rubble. I think that act redeems him somewhat (though Paris was inexplicably back, intact, in the next issue).

Anyway I wrote a little poem about my vote:

I may be fisted,
I may be dumb.
But don't get it twisted,
Santorum is scum.

Cory said...

ESFANDIARI ESFANDIARI ESFANDIARI ESFANDIARI ESFANDIARI ESFANDIARI ESFANDIARI

I DEMAND A PREEMPTIVE RECOUNT

ESFANDIARI ESFANDIARI ESFANDIARI ESFANDIARI ESFANDIARI ESFANDIARI ESFANDIARI ESFANDIARI ESFANDIARI

Lons said...

One man, one vote, I'm afriad. Except for me. I haven't decided how many votes I get. Maybe all of them, if I don't like how it turns out.

SallyTeller said...

No competition! It is Santorum all the way! What an ugly human being, and what I mean has nothing to do with esthetics. Kinda makes me glad that I am FROM Pennsylvania and not a current resident. Voters were smarter when I lived there.

SallyTeller said...

Hey! What is the deal with Cory's fixation?????????????

Cory said...

Hey, Santorum's a douche, no doubt about it.

But did you read Esfandiari's article?

He truly is the worst person alive. I fully believe that.

Konrad said...

My vote. Dennis Rader.
This is more than disgusting!!

Horsey said...

"Put a link in your blogs"

I went one better. I posted a thread in Gen[M]ay asking people to vote in the competition. I will either get flamed to all hell, and you will get a swarm of "spacefeg" postings. Or you will get some votes. I absolve myself of any blame if the former occurs, but take all credit for the latter scenario.

Horsey said...

Oh I have totally raped myself and then aborted the resulting fetus. I didn't realize that your blog didn't allow anonymous comments. The entire ire of Gen[M]ay is focused, as though with a giant magnifying glass, right on my forehead. Apparently people are furious that they cannot vote, being a largely blogless people.

Lons said...

I will now once again allow anonymous comments. Welcome
Gen[M]ay readers!

Anonymous said...

ORC FUCKER

Anonymous said...

Toby Keith.

I'd vote for Santorum, but jesus christ, "We'll put a boot in your ass cause it's the american way?"

Get the fuck out of here you evil warmongering fuck.

Anonymous said...

Santorum++

Anonymous said...

Fucking Orc Fucker! But then again the world doesn't know Orcfucker.

Santorum da spacefeg

THR said...

I was going to go for Santorum, but I think he's gotten enough coverage from Savage Love, etc. Instead, we need to focus our ire on.... Brett Ratner. That's my vote.

By the way, I'm a friend of Chuck's from Berkeley. Long-time reader, first-time commenter. Keep up the good work!

Anonymous said...

LOL SPACE FAGET

Cory said...

I'm sorry, did any of you read the Esfandiari article?

He's clearly the Worst Person Alive. I can't think of anyone I'd rather not spend an hour with than Antonio.

ESFANDIARI in 05!

Boyd McKendrick said...

Gotta go with Santorum.

While Esfandiari is extremely loathsome, almost beyond words, he is still your average card-carrying douchebag from an organization that includes members of similar make in almost every nook and cranny of this world. His douchebagedness is simply magnified as a result of his semi-notoriety. I take comfort in knowing that he can do no real damage, being that his exposure is limited by the niche professional circle he slithers in.

Santorum is a real threat who reminds us how much touch we've lost touch with the political process and how easy it is for truly threatening douchebags to obtain public office--where they are free to recklessly unleash their powers of douchery.

mikel said...

my vote goes for santorum.
and i thought mexican politicians were horrible,dangerous and evil.

saludos from mexico

Anonymous said...

I speak for all of genmay.Santorum lord of spacefegs gets all 30000 of our votes. He is a cube of dorkjuice frozen in the freezer of time.Give him the award then kill him with the fire.

Kris said...

Lons, you have done well!! There are many worthy candidates...that priest dude with the popular book is certainly dangerous, but if you Nominated every Douchebag with a best-selling book out there then you would have to include people like Mitch Albom and Steve Covey and John Grey and Suze Orman and...well, as you can see, the list is interminable.

Santorum gets my vote. Fuck that dude.

Anonymous said...

ESFANDIARI

(This isn't Cory)

Sloth said...

I would have THOUGHT I would vote for the Senator.

But I have to go for Joel Osteen. I have a secret fantasy about having dirty illicit sex with him and then using it to eviscerate his career and marriage and public image and (hopefully) drive him to suicide.

I'm not kidding.

Lons said...

Sloth, that's a great plan. Get on that...

evilsciencechick said...

I was born and raised in PA, and I hang my head in shame that I come from a state that continues to elect douchebag santorum.

he's got my vote.

justin said...

I'm voting for Ratner. Just because he hasn't gotten a vote yet. And I hate him.

rizlablue said...

I have to vote for Dennis Rader. What a sick fuck.

The others you can either turn off, vote out, or ignore (and - being on a totally different continent, ignoring them is easy).

dantobindantobin said...

Can I cast my first ever vote for our President? Santorum's a horrible human being and Toby Keith's a raging moron. But who enables and legitimizes this behavior more than anyone on the planet?

Dubba-dubba-dubbleyou-Bush.

(Oh, and anyone who uses Zach Braff as a measure of horribleness is aces in my book.)

Horsey said...

Sloth -- Haha good plan!

I bet if I could seduce him though, his downfall would be greater and his suicide more quickly planned and more painfully executed.

Cory -- Esfandiari is a sausage.

However I know of several douches that are even more sausage-like than him. There are some bars in LA and San Francisco that are just full of what might as well be Esfandiari clones. If we could label all these douches with one tag, and vote for them all at once, then I would agree with you. But Santorum alone outmatches Esfandiari alone.

Santorum sees Esdandiari's "pluckable honey" and raises him a "blatant primetime homosexual agenda".

Anonymous said...

Santorum should be in a "Sanitorium." The scary part of Santorum is how his thinking and his vote may impact the lives of so many Americans. For sure he is one of the Republicans' fair-haired "Boys" and no doubt being primed for bigger roles in the Party. I took a casual survey at work for the "Braffy Awards" and all the entrants loved to HATE Santorum.

WhatsHerFace said...

A Pittsburgher for Santorum over here.

Dude in Wyoming said...

My vote lies with Toby Keith, because he's a red-white-and-blue blooded graduate of Honky-Tonk U. Could also be the stupidest man alive. Something tells me he was brainwashed by the government and is now just a faded, outer shell of a real human.

Anonymous said...

Santorum...the only man I know of that is so hated, they named poopy jiz after him.

Inanna said...

Santorum

Horsey said...

I would say the suspense is killing me, but really it's not. I think Santorum has this thing in the bag at this point. Unless of course, Cory starts canvassing the internet in support of Esfandiari, or something like that.

Cory said...

The Esfandiari 2005 campaign concedes victory to Senator Santorum, and will request no recount.

Esfandiari will return to his home state of Las Vegas to practice a private life of douchebaggery, while not ruling out a potential run in the future for Worst Person Alive.

We extend our thanks to everyone who voted. Or, the one person who voted. Me.

sgfgffgfgfgf said...

chris walken for prez