Friday, July 15, 2005

The Ben Bin

[NOTE: This article is satire...Please do not show up to Laser Blazer expecting to see Ben Affleck...It's just a joke...We do, however, have a new bargain DVD bin, featuring current films on sale for $4.98 and cheaper! Some don't even star Ben Affleck! No, seriously, there are a surprising amount of newish films in there. Come on by and check it out, why dontcha?]


Laser Blazer is pleased to welcome Ben Affleck, who will be appearing at our bargain Used DVD Blowout Bin!

"So many of my films are in circulation because no one will buy them," Affleck said. "The only way to move any of these units is to charge next to nothing for the DVD's and also make outrageously generous offers on top of that for personal favors, such as car-washing services or even erotic massages."

Ben will be publicly apologizing for appearing in so many shitty movies, followed by a Q&A, and then an autograph signing all of his films available for under $5.

These ice-cold titles, permanent fixtures in Used DVD stores all across America, include

Pearl Harbor
Jersey Girl
Changing Lanes

The Sum of All Fears

Reindeer Games

And that's not all! Three lucky attendees who buy at least 3 of Affleck's unsellable overstock items will get to write and produce a movie in which Ben will then produce and star!

"I figured, any amateur should be able to produce a film of higher quality than Surviving Christmas," Affleck theorized. "That film was so ineptly made, I'm surprised the reel itself even fit in theater projectors."

The line for the autograph signing will form tomorrow morning at the dumpster behind Laser Blazer. We ask that you not park in the parking lot, or make a lot of noise, so as not to disturb the actual customers buying real movies.

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