Thursday, July 07, 2005

You're the Worst...Around! Nothing's Gonna Ever Keep You Down!

Who will be crowned the Worst Person Alive? You are all gonna find out, maybe sooner than you think. I have here, right here, in this very e-mail, the final nominee for Worst Person Alive.

I'll give you a day or two to think it over, and then on Friday, we'll get the official voting post, where I'll ask for your votes in the comments section. DON'T LEAVE VOTES IN THIS COMMENTS SECTION. They won't be counted. This is only the final post nominating a Worst Person.

And boy, when I say Worst, I mean Worst. This next guy is so bad, so noxious, so absolutely vile, he's spent the last several years in a desperate attempt to convince the world he doesn't even exist. Like Keyser Soze, his evil deeds will go unnoticed because people think he's just a silly ficitonal character.

I'm talking, of course, about the REAL worst person on Earth...Victor Von Doom.

Now, I know what you're thinking...Victor Von Doom is just a comic character. He's not a real guy. In fact, in just a few days, a major motion picture called Fantastic Four will turn him into little more than a live-action cartoon, an archetypal "evil scientist" brought to life by, ugh, "Nip/Tuck" star Julian McMahon.

In fact, this is all part of Victor's nefarious scheme. By pouring money into a splashy, ridiculous, laughably awful comic book movie about himself, he becomes a joke! Something laughable and not threatening! And that will make it much easier to fulfill his dreams of world domination! Don't you see? A world not constantly on guard for the threat of destruction by the man who calls himself Dr. Doom is a world that will soon enough be destryoed.

Still don't believe that Dr. Doom is real? Well, check out this photo. I have here actual photographic evidence of Doom killing one of his more disobedient followers. Look on if you dare.

Wow, that's hard-hitting stuff. I defy anyone to tell me that this is not the sort of violent lunatic whose actions demand immediate US intervention.

For those of you who have not studied the vital Kirby and Lee literature on the subject, or studied the cartoons based on this literature, I will quickly sketch the threat Von Doom poses to the stability of the world today.

Raised by gypsies in the small European nation of Latveria, it was obvious right away that Victor was a particularly intelligent, but also troubled, child. He earned a full scholarship to Empire State University, where he excelled in the sciences. During an unfortunate accident in the laboratory, Von Doom became horribly scarred.

He traveled the world searching for a cure for his ailments, but finding none, eventually settled on a full suit of body armor, including a metal mask. As my co-worker Ray pointed out the other day, the mask ironically caused his disfigurements to become far worse. Had he simply attempted traditional treatment and permitted his face time to heal, he might have had a chance at a normal life. But instead, choosing to hide his real features, he had become a freak, a monster.

Using his amazing skills of invention and awesome scientific and mystic knowledge, Doom rose through the ranks of the Latverian government, eventually taking control as Monarch-for-Life. His nation now serves as a front for his vile schemes for world domination.

And it's not just in politics that Doom excells. As you have seen from the recent marketing blitz, his newest financial venture, the Fantastic Four film, retelling a ridiculous, self-serving and wholly inaccurate presentation of his life story, is having no trouble making headlines. You may not have known that he also has a burgeoning career as an underground hip-hop artist.

Scary stuff.

This is a guy who once condemned his girlfriend to Hell, convincing her he had given up on his evil experiments, and then used her skin and bones to make new armor for himself. I mean, that's pure concentrated evil. (More evil than Zach Braff, the very namesake of the Braffies? I'm not's close...)

I'll leave you with a typical, pompous quote from Doom himself:

In my duties as ruler of Latveria, I travel the Eastern nations with some regularity. I visit America only when I must and leave as quickly as I can. I prefer civilization.

The bastard! But do his endless cavalcade of Doomsday Devices and evil plots constitute something more heinous than Antonio Esfandiari's belligerant self-serving club rant? What about Tana Goertz's disgusting "Apprentice" jockeying in the season finale? Or ever song Toby Keith has ever written?

Man, I don't envy you folks having to make this decision. I'll try to help you sort it all out in the coming days. And don't forget to tune in to the Braffies themselves, starring Sean Hannity and Friends. Check your TV listings for times and stations. If you don't get the Braffies, call your cable companies and tell them to get bent.


Horsey said...

Good shit :)

- Horsey

Lons said...

I like your blog...It's going up to the links, a rarified honor. Well played.

Cory said...

there really is no question...

Esfandiari in 2005!