Tuesday, January 23, 2007

Charts and Braffs

My brother informs me that uber-snob hipsterfied music source, Pitchfork, has blatantly ripped me off. Alas, it's only too true.

Now, for the record, the actual review of the quite pleasant new album from The Shins, Wincing the Night Away, uses the regular old-fashioned and not at all ripped off from me word "backlash." But the BRIEF ABSTRACT of the article, the subhead appearing on other pages leading to the review itself, states the following:

"James Mercer & Co. aim to deflect the inevitable Brafflash by crafting a more texturally diverse record than their outstanding, if uncomplicated, previous outings."

There isn't much on this planet that I can claim as uniquely my own, but goddammit Pitchfork, I invented the use of the name "Braff" as a prefix! "Braffsterpiece." "Brafftastic." Hell, I even hosted a fake awards show called "The Braffies." That's my joke! Get your own weenie celebrity emo boy to hate!

I wouldn't take it so personally, but I have come to feel that my online anti-Braff crusade may actually be wearing down the guy's psyche. He's claimed recently to suffer from depression. Possibly because he has realized how much he sucks?

“I think I suffer from some mild depression…So to have millions of people go, ‘I watched your movie and related’ was the ultimate affirmation that I’m not a freak.”

Oh, I guess not.

Braff, 31, who wrote and directed Garden State, says that he stands out in Hollywood – and he doesn’t mind. “I don’t have any famous friends other than the guys I work with on Scrubs, he says. “I don’t care about image and all that nonsense. I’m in sweat pants every day. I don’t play the game at all.”

Considering that Zach's a 31 year old man and most of the millions of people who watched his movie and related were 14 year old girls...doesn't that still make him a freak? Also, is it just me and my deep-seated loathign of the man, or is it a bit cliche and uncouth for a sitcom star to brag endlessly to People Magazine about how he's a regular sweat pants kind of guy?

Zach followed up this Braffastrophic interview (see? all me!) immediately by having an attractive caterer shut him down in a humiliating and public manner.

A TMZ spy spotted Zach at a party in Hollywood where the "Scrubs" star was trying to sweet-talk one of the female caterers.

He pulled every card he had up his sleeve -- but to no avail. After telling the server how beautiful she was and informing her that he would have her added to the guest list at Hyde, she still kindly refused. Although Braff didn't show any signs of a bruised ego, it had to hurt.

Don't feel bad for Zach. This is the only way he'll learn.

But it gets worse! So bad is Braff's post-GS karma, his badtime blues have spread to even his ex-girlfriend Mandy Moore! Can you imagine how potent his nasally whine must be to put a damper on the sunny, upbeat nature of Mandy Moore? Before she met him, she used to walk around grinning like an idiot, 24/7. Watch those old music videos. She looks like she's been on a Morphine-and-Pixie-Stix drip for weeks.

"A few months ago I felt really low, really sad. Depressed for no reason," the 22-year-old actress-singer says in an interview in the February issue of Jane magazine, on newsstands Tuesday.

"I'm a very positive person, and I've always been glass-half-full," she continues. "So it was like someone flipped a switch in me. I wanted to figure out why."

Moore, newly single after high-profile relationships with actor Zach Braff and tennis standout Andy Roddick, says her recent split with Braff didn't help matters.

"The breakup added to what I was going through, but it's not the complete reason," she tells the magazine. "It definitely doesn't help if you're already in that place ... ."

Oh, man, that's awesome stuff. Notice that it wasn't breaking up with Zach Braff that had her depressed. She was "already in that place." Nope, just being around him was enough to do the trick. Which just goes to confirm what I've been saying since I first watched his wretched cinematic debut. Just looking at the guy makes me feel intensely bad! Who knew Mandy Moore and I had so much in common?