Crushed by Inertia

Satan really killed with his dynamite opening monologe.



Greetings, Fallen Ones. Prepare for the delightful torment of the 1st Annual Braffy Awards, brought to you by famine, pestilence and new Mountain Dew Ultra X-Treme Warm Caffeinated Flavor Beverage. It's pee-tasting-tastic!

I see that the girl from "Veronica Mars" is in the audience. Let's give her a hand. Later, I will slowly devour her soul over the course of centuries, her every excruciating wail inciting the razor-sharp fangs of a vicious hellhound to sink further into her tender flesh.

We have some great nominees this year. I see the BTK Killer has been nominated. Should your country's government decide to violate your so-called Ten Commandments and kill him for his "crimes," he will join me on a gilded throne, presiding over the torture of millions in my sulfur and brimstone-fueled labyrinth of terror for all time. Or maybe I'll have him run my fast-food division, I haven't decided yet.

But enough time has been wasted by theis petty monologue already. These one-liners didn't work at all! I'll get that bastard Bruce Vilanch for this! I'll see his colon used as sausage casings before this night is out! Now, on to the awards.