Friday, May 20, 2005

Who Will Take Home the Braffy?

I don't know if you've been following these Worst Person Alive Award nominations, but things are really starting to heat up. Our first nominee comes from the world of professional poker, Mr. Antonio Esfandiari. Take a look at his full nomination post here. It's not just amusing, it doesn't just inaugurate the Worst Person Alive Awards...it's also the most-viewed post in Crushed by Inertia history. So, check it out, won't you?

But now, our awards have both a second nomination and a name. The Braffy, in honor of the worst director alive. I'm referring, of course, auteur, sculptor, artist, poet, imagineer, wordsmith, bon vivant and gentleman's gentleman Mr. Zachary Braff. You know, the guy from "Scrubs."

Our second nomination also comes from the world of television. Just tonight, all of America watched her mind dissolve on live television in the season finale of Donald Trump's "The Apprentice." Of course, I'm talking about first runner-up Tana Goertz. Here's a recent unflattering photo:



When Tana first came on the show, I thought she was obnoxious. Little did I realize that her hokey, down-home mother of two act was all an elaborate cover for a soul as black as midnight. This lady is evil in its most pure, concentrated form, the kind of maniacal phony that only the American Midwest seems capable of producing. And unfortunately, they manage to produce in bulk, and have little trouble moving units all over the rest of the country.

So, okay, at first, she was obviously way too into the whole college student vs. uneducated slob premise for this season's "Apprentice." I didn't really think much of the idea at all, really...I mean, there are plenty of successful people without a college degree. I don't know that anyone really thinks such a thing is mandatory for success in the business world. It's highly recommended, of course, but not mandatory.

Yet to watch this season of Trump's masterful reality stalwart, you'd think attempting to negotiate captialism without a degree from Dartmouth was about the bravest, most reckless, insane challenge imaginable. The only thing braver than applying to The Trump Organization without four years at the Sorbonne would be touching the Owner and CEO on the top of the head and then eating without washing your hand.

But there was Tana, boasting boorishly about how much money she was worth, and about how she didn't need no college diploma to succeed in this world. She'd sold more Mary Kay Cosmetics than anyone else in her part of Iowa, goddamit.

You did know that, yes? That Tana was one of those Mary Kay saucer people? She's, like, a door-to-door saleswoman. A very good one, yes, but is that who Trump really wants in his organization? A bunch of modern-day Harold Hill's interrputing the morning meeting to hawk eyeliner and leak-proof casserole dishes?

Tana wound up pulling a total 180 on this perspective by the end, when she realized her lack of education made her a liability rather than an inspirational movie-of-the-week-esque heroine. By the season finale, she was boasting about how close she came to earning her college degree. (Only 16 credits away! She's a Super-Senior!) But Tana, uh, what happened to fortitude, pluck and self-reliance?

Hypocracy, though, is the least of this woman's problems. Honestly, I'm not sure I've ever seen anyone behave in such a grating, obviously insincere manner.

Does anyone but me recall the episode where Tana was asked to recruit the services of rapper Lil John as part of a televised charity event? She proceeded to make an ass of not just herself and her team, but of the white race. And hell, all of humankind. I've seen awkward middle-aged white folks attempt to bond with black men before, but in all my life, I have never seen such an embarrassing, shameless display. It would be like meeting someone from Mexico and treating them to 20 minutes of your best Speedy Gonzales impression.

But you see, Tana knew exactly what she was doing. She isn't really a massive clueless dolt. She's a shrewd, calculating bitch who genuinely thinks this whole bumpkin act is charming and endearing. It's all this bullshit "can-do" attitude, mixed with the tendency to cop out whenever a task becomes too cumbersome because, after all, I'm just a simple housewife from Iowa.

Argh, this woman made me crazy. I mean, I was no immense fan of Kendra Todd, the plucky Florida real estate specialist who will now be in the semi-fictional employ of The Donald. But at least Kendra had kind of an ounce of sincerity. She wanted to win, she was driven, she was occasionally a bit humorless, but she was human. Tana is like some alien who inhabited an Iowa woman's body and decided to use it to undermine society whenever possible.

Which brings us to tonight's season finale, and Tana's immaculate on-screen meltdown, an outburst of such staggering obliviousness as to earn her a spot on the select nominations list for the First Annual Crushed By Inertia Braffy Awards.

For those of you who don't watch "The Apprentice" (if there's any of you still reading), allow me to set the scene...

It's Tana v. Kendra for all the marbles. Trump compliments Kendra's work on a brochure for Pontiac, a task she won so overwhelmingly that General Motors actually has used her designs in some of their promotional materials.

Tana loudly makes it known, at this point, that the one element of the design the Pontiac executives actually liked was...wait for it...the shape. And she was the one who said it should be a circle!

Ladies and gentlemen, this is national live television, and this woman is claiming that she deserves to win this competition because...she suggested the brochure be round? Kendra actually did respond cogently that she designed every element of the brochure except for the shape, but she didn't really need to say anything, the argument was so ridiculous.

And if it had stopped there, with Tana attempting to assert some control over her fate, that would be one thing. But of course, it didn't. Tana proceeded to yell, flail her arms about and loudly insist that the shape was, in fact, the only element of the brochure appealing to GM. After making her argument known, she then proceeded to whoop, hoot and celebrate her victory from her seat, encouraging the audience to join in her gloating.

It was pretty gross. Here was Donald Trump's reaction:

"I thought it was a little much," Trump said of Goertz's self-acknowledgment. "I don't mind aggression in men or women, but I found it to be a little obnoxious. I didn't love it."

Here was my reaction:

Blllllaaaaaaaarrrrgggggggghhhhhhhhhhh

So, congratulations, Tana, you're the closest Apprentice contest to not being a loser who's still in fact a loser. Enjoy the flight back to Des Moines. And best of luck with the Braffy, although really, just so you know, it's an honor just to be nominated.

As for you readers, I'm providing you with a rare opportunity for genuine blog interaction. I mean, other than the Comments section. And the ability to e-mail me. If you'd like to nominate someone for a Braffy, please leave a Comment with their name and why you think they're the Worst Person Alive. And stay tuned to the site for more nominations.

11 comments:

Pop's Kid said...

You should check out the movie "Crash". I'd be interested to hear your thoughts.

I think your 180 off on Z. Braff, but that's just my opinion. I perused your blog and couldn't find and explanation of exactly why you hate the guy so much...point me in the right direction if such a post exists. I'd love to read it.

Entertaining blog though...keep up the good work.

Revenge of the Sith was amazing...

Lons said...

Why do I hate Zach Braff? Oh, where to begin.

Okay, I know..."Garden State." It sucked...horribly. One of the most excruciatingly cloying, phony, self-obsessed pieces of claptrap I've ever seen.

Cory said...

So right now we have the poker dude and Tana as candidates....poker guy wins hands down. Hilarious post on that guy's complete douchebaggery...

Lons said...

I mean, Antonio Esfandiari is a horrible, horrible man. No question about it.

But I think Tana's a stronger candidate for the title than most realize.

Also, should I be dismayed that no one's making any nominations other than me?

Banjo said...

The braffy.

...Genius.

My friend your hatred for all things Zach Braff continues to impress. May he never be allowed behind (or infront of) a camera again.

With ongoing respect,

Banj.

Melissa said...

I think its Tana by a longshot. Did you see her interview on Conan? And whats with her propensity for inserting 'baby' into everything she says?

portland_observer said...

Braffy nomination

Dennis Miller. After 25 years of a career knocking every politician and everything else he suddenly turns right wing after 9/11, is pro-war, pro-Bush and has now moved from HBO to CNN and does corporate commercials, work he would not have gotten without his right wing schtick.

Same for Christopher Hitchens. Wrote a book on Henry Kissinger that got him chased out of France and England ahead of court orders to answer for war crimes. After 9/11 turns pro-war and knocks any politicians who are against it.

Lons said...

Well, I DO hate Chris Hitchens, but I think I'm going to accept the Dennis Miller nomination. Check out the post...coming soon!

GradGirlIA said...

You seemed to have missed Tana's incredibly ridiculous website at heytana.com. The material she provides will make it even more clear that she is the worst human alive. If there is still any doubt about the level of pathetic that Tana resides at, simply look at her comments and behavior after the finale. In a live interview with DesMoines NBC affiliate immediately after the live finale, she said the show and its premise were bullshit and proceeding to ramble on how Trump was a stupid idiot for not picking her. On her webpage she has articles posted on why she should have won. Note how there is no message board.

As a true Iowan I am incredibly appauled at how she continuously bragged that she was a nice Iowa mom. Let's get a few things straight Tana, you really aren't from Iowa. You've lived here for 4 or 5 years I believe, before that you lived in Utah after being born and raised on the east coast. That's not being Iowan. Secondly, YOU ARE NOT NICE! Get over yourself, you are conceited, arrogant, obnoxious, deceiving bitch who is a sore loser. Is there any question why everyone in Iowa loaths you and how there have been numerous letters to the Des Moines Register chiding you for your irrehensible behavior and zero letters defending or applauding your deeds?

LNRRen said...

Thanks for the info, gradgirlia! I had checked out Tana's website and wondered how she knew so many people in UT (since the pics of people wearing her shirts were obviously people she knew -- they were almost all from IA or Salt Lake City).

formula 1 said...

The dude is totally right, and there is no suspicion.