Oh, Really, O'Reilly?

More near-gibberish from Billy O on his mystifyingly popular rant-a-thon "The Factor" yesterday. Here's him railing on a Jewish caller who had the audacity to complain that there is too much Christmas talk in public schools:

CALLER: The thing is, is when you have -- for example, Christmas carols or gift exchanges being done in school, that kind of sets the kids up to being converted.

O'REILLY: Yeah, but you give gifts on Hanukkah, don't you?

CALLER: No, there's not really a Jewish tradition of giving gifts on --

O'REILLY: Well, the seven candles [sic], you get a gift for every night, don't you?

CALLER: Actually, the Jews give gifts on --

O'REILLY: All right. Well, what I'm tellin' you, [caller], is I think you're takin' it too seriously. You have a predominantly Christian nation. You have a federal holiday based on the philosopher Jesus. And you don't wanna hear about it? Come on, [caller] -- if you are really offended, you gotta go to Israel then. I mean because we live in a country founded on Judeo -- and that's your guys' -- Christian, that's my guys' philosophy. But overwhelmingly, America is Christian. And the holiday is a federal holiday honoring the philosopher Jesus. So, you don't wanna hear about it? Impossible.

And that is an affront to the majority. You know, the majority can be insulted, too. And that's what this anti-Christmas thing is all about.

What's the beef, sir?

There's so much to be snarky about in this clip, I barely know where to begin.

Okay, I've decided. Let's start with Billy proclaiming that the singing of Christmas carols and giving of gifts is an inclusive activity, because "Jews give gifts, too," you know, because of the "seven candles."

First of all, Jews don't sing Christmas carols. Second of all, most Jewish families are realistic about Hannukah. It's a dumb holiday. We all know that. It's a minor occasion, the sort of thing you'd barely recall in the back of your mind while doing something more important (which is the way I remember all Jewish holidays). But because of pinheads like Billy O declaring it the Jewish equivalent of Christmas, we all have to pretend like we give a shit about the Maccabees for seven days, once a year. It's stupid. But, of course, this is the least insipid thing Bill-bo says in the above passage.

What's the most insipid? The part about a "federal holiday based on the philosopher Jesus." I mean, COME ON.

Jesus was not a philosopher. He wasn't. He was, depending on which religion you believe or disbelieve, a teacher, a prophet, a non-existent avatar for a series of social/political/religious leaders or the Son of God. Philosophers don't regularly go around turning water into alcohol and declaring themselves divine beings. I'm pretty sure John Stuart Mill never did this. And the idea that Christmas celebrates Jesus as a philosopher rather than a religious figure is so ridiciulous, I feel ridiculous commenting on it.

You see, Bill (because, of course he reads The Inertia), Christmas has become a federal holiday because most Americans celebrate it, so work just plain isn't getting done that day. True, it's the only religious holiday that doubles as a federal holiday, but let's not read too much into that, shall we? I chose to view it like President's Day - every religion has a holiday in mid-winter, so we've combined them all into one Federal holiday, which most of us refer to as "the holidays" already, anyway. It's been secularized before you even got here, Bill.

In fact, did you know that the Puritans who originally came to this country, the ones that "founded our Christian nation," or whatever, didn't celebrate Christmas? Check this out:

In 1659, a few decades after the Pilgrims first arrived in New England, the Massachusetts Bay colony went beyond treating Christmas as an ordinary working day and actually banned any celebration of Christmas. The law stated, "Whoever shall be found observing any such days as Christmas or the like, either by forbearing labor, feasting, or any other way.... shall pay for every such offense five shillings as a fine to the country."

They felt, rightfully so, that the religious celebration of Christ's rebirth had been overshadowed by the festive nature of the holiday, and that it had become ungodly. Even today, there are Christian groups who oppose the secularization of Christmas, and this is one of the very rare issues about which the super-religious and I agree. I say, divide Christmas in two: a secular, fun one in December with Frosty and Rudolph and Santa and trees and candy and stockings and elves and those ugly sweaters with candy canes on them, and a serious religious one on December 25th. That way, we get to keep the separation of church and state, the religious people get their solemn occasion back, and I get to get Christmas presents without feeling guilt or shame.

My last thought is on this ridiculous "Christian majority" idea, as if it means diddly-shit that more Americans are Christian than any other religion. It doesn't. The whole country was founded on the idea that we don't let the majority religion push all the other religions around (and, in this case, I'll consider atheism a religion). So, if you're Christian, good for you! Enjoy the holiday season! But shut the fuck up, okay?

And while I'm on the subject, could we curtail the constant holiday-song-themed Musak until AT LEAST December 1st. I shouldn't have to hear 10 different instrumental renditions of "Jingle Bell Rock" just becuase I need to stop by Ralphs for some Captain Crunch.