Wednesday, February 09, 2005

I Cross the Line

This is it. I've finally gone past the point of good taste and into full-on gross-out mode. I can't help myself. This will be my second off-color post of the night, and man, is this ever off-color. I'm, quite frankly, disgusted.

A Welsh man, in response to Wales' first home soccer victory against England in 12 years, has severed his own testicles.

Well, that just makes it sound silly. What happened was, Geoff Huish told his friends "if Wales wins, I'll cut my balls off." And then Wales won. And, really, you have to hold to agreements like this, or your drunken bar bets will mean nothing at all.

Huish was taken to hospital where he remained in a seriously ill condition, the paper said.

I'll say.

Police told the paper he had a history of mental problems.

This reporter boasts a keen grasp on the obvious.

The worst part of the whole thing? After the guy went home and performed a little light surgury, he walked back to the bar to show his friends what he had done. This has got to be an odd moment. I mean, I'm sure the guy's friends knew he was a little off, but who among us doesn't have a drinking buddy whose possible lack of sanity gives us pause? I know a guy who likes to get drunk and head-butt people as hard as he can, who threw his shoulder out a few weeks back attempting to tackle his friend in the middle of the street. And let's not even get into my college roommate who's obsessed with the 4th Dimension and Cartoon Network.

So, your friend comes back to the bar after a day of drunken revelry, following an unexpected victory for the home team. And he's holding his severed balls in his hand. What reaction could he even be expecting? Shock? Laughter? Respect? And you don't want to say the wrong thing, because suddenly your wacky friend is revealed as a knife-wielding maniac capable of untold acts of gruesome aggression.

So, my guess is, they faked it.

"Hey, Geoff, you cut off your own testicles. Just like you said you would. Um, good one! Well, boy, it's late, I've got to be getting home. You might want to have that looked at, but it's none of my business. See you around..."


Anonymous said...

Okay I was reading this during class and came very close to losing it several times. I had to close the window at least five times before reaching the end as bursts of laughter during Property (quite possibly the most boring class known to man) would not have been easily explained. Somehow I don't know if anyone can claim such enthusiastic amusement at a discussion of the Fair Housing Act without seeming like an unfeeling asshole.

Lons said...

I think this is the nicest comment the blog has ever received. Thank you, good sir or madam!