Tuesday, July 19, 2005

Guest Blogger: The Comic Book Store Guy

[Despite being a nerd, I don't really go to pre-planned organized nerd functions, like the San Diego Comic Book Convention. It sounds like the sort of thing I would have enjoyed, but I'm lazy and not big on crowds and broke, and though I realize I am a rather intense dork at heart, I find it hard to relate sometimes to the really hardcore fanboys. Like, I enjoy the occasional Godzilla movie, but I wouldn't consider the viewing of a Japanese monster laying waste to a large city to be necessarily a life-altering experience. In other words, though feature films containing Asian guys in rubber suits may entertain me, they've never actually brought me to the point of orgasm.

So I'm not the best guy to update you on the most recent events in geek culture. That's why I've invited a special guest, direct from the Android's Dungeon and Baseball Card Shop in Springfield, U.S.A, the Comic Book Store Guy...]

Uh, I begged the sculptor to deemphasize my man-breast. Begged him.

So, yes, because Lons could apparently not tell a Tribble from a Tellarite, he asked me to update his blog in his stead. Which I was only happy to do, because the other members of my "Battlestar Galactica" chatroom all have their clarinet lessons tonight, and I'm still waiting for my "Outer Limits" bit torrents to finish downloading. Curse you, Internet King, and your unreliable bandwidth!

I was assured he could provide me with faster nudity.

But I digress. On to the news:

Item the First

The San Diego Comic Convention saw the world premiere of footage from Bryan Singer's upcoming film Superman Returns. Now, even though Supes lacks the wit and sophistication of a true superhero, say a Radioactive Man, I'm still curious to see this eventual film adaptation. Will it ever top the immaculate Richard Pryor in Part III? I suggest not!

Item the Second

A panel of "Star Trek" fans has officially concluded that a lack of social commentary and an over-emphasis on abstract science-fiction is responsible for the death of the franchise.

I'd suggest it's their continued failure to adopt my "Star Trek" fan fiction short story, "How Captain Kirk Single-Handedly Killed the Crew of Every Other Star Trek Series, Reclaiming The Enterprise As His Own For All Time," into a feature-length film production, to be directed by James Cameron.

Trust me, it would have saved the franchise.

Item the Third

The Weinstein Company has announced that it will produce a CG animated "Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles" movie, scheduled for release in 2007. Unfortunately, the movie will aim for a PG rating. So it won't be cool and violent like the old comic books.

Sigh. Why bother making a movie about adolescent mutated reptiles if they aren't going to be able to slash each other up violently? What's the big deal if kids see violence all the time? I've done nothing for the past month but watch George Romero movies and play "Bonestorm," and I'd say I'm doing pretty well. Except for the three heart attacks and crippling loneliness.

Item the Fourth

According to this highly specious website, Drew Barrymore and Steven Spielberg may collaborate on a sequel to ET.

Worst. Idea. Ever.

As I said, I'm not certain this website is a reliable source for movie gossip and information, like the one ran by my slender friend Harry Knowles. For starters, they identify Drew's character in ET as Gertie Elliot, when even a Morlock would know that Elliot is her brother's name, not her last name. Haven't these people heard of the Wikipedia?

Item the Fifth

This website is lazy, sloppy and poorly designed. I doubt very much whether Lons has even bothered to alter the HTML code from his Blogger template. Lons, I know you just clicked on "Blueberry" and failed to make any future changes, so you needn't bother denying it. What a shameful lack of initiative. Please know, I will be registering my disgust with blog-trackers throughout the Internet within moments. I bid you good day, sir.

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