Wednesday, July 20, 2005

Everyone George Bush Nominates Sucks

Now, I don't want to say that George W. Bush only nominates fringe lunatics to important positions, but let's take a look at his latest golden boy, Supreme Court nominee and space-alien-looking-motherfucker John Roberts.

Please feel free to leave you own creepy captions for that picture in the comments section below. Here's my contribution:

"Curtailing your civil liberties makes me feel all tingly in my special place."

Bonus points if you can work in his Kirk Douglas-esque Chin Dimple of Power.

George, baby, I've got to ask, what's with nominating all these fucking saucer people? I mean, this guy right on the heels of John Bolton?

Oh God it's a monster! Make it going away!

Seriously, why is everybody involved with the Bush administration so hideously ugly anyway? Now, I don't want to get off on a tangent here - this article is supposed to be goofing on John Roberts - but I think I'm on to something here. It's like Bush can only count on someone being truly ugly on the inside if they're sufficiently ugly on the outside.

Let's take a look at some of this cast of characters.

Condi Rice?

Katherine Harris?

Dick Cheney's advisor Lewis "Scooter" Libby?

Presidential confidant Karl Rove?

Uggos all. It can't be a coincidence.

So, anyway, on to John Roberts. Seeing as so little is known about him, how can I possibly tell he's a vile disgusting wretch who will try to undo every progressive decision the Supreme Court has made in the last 30 years?

All you have to do is look at who's happy and who's upset. Happy? The Christian Coalition. The White House. Conservative asshole fuckstick commentators and sellouts.

Who's upset? The National Organization for Women, NARAL, the ACLU, the Center for Constitutional Rights, Americans United for the Separation of Church and State.

Need I go on?

Also, there's the fact that he was fucking nominated by George W. Bush, close personal friend of Satan and Dr. Doom and current Worst Person Alive, Ricky "Man on Dog" Santorum. If George Bush is nominating you for anything, whether it be a spot on the Supreme Court or eliminiation from the "Big Brother" house, you are automatically a scumbag.

Here's what Tricky Ricky S. had to say about the nominee:

Sen. Rick Santorum, R-Pa., a leading conservative, called him "brilliant."
OMFG, Rick Santorum said he's brilliant? That's it, I can't even move to Canada, that's not far enough away. Who wants to join me in setting up a commune in space. There isn't an atmosphere, so that's a downside, but we will totally have legal weed.

Okay, I'm kidding (kinda). There's proof beyond his mere association with the Prez to suggest that John Roberts is wrong for the Supreme Court. Here's just a sample, from this handy Salon anthology of commentaries about Roberts' nomination.

Here's Republican asshat Brian Anderson of "City Journal":

I think he would be a justice in the mold of Clarence Thomas and will not read into the Constitution things that aren't there -- gay marriage, a right to partial-birth abortion, etc.

Yeah, screw them gay bastards! Ha ha! Right on!

Oh, wait, sorry, thought this was National Review Online or something. (No, I'm not going to link to NRO. Fuck those guys. If you don't get the reference, you're better off.)

What I meant to say was, that's not a good sign.

Here's Kim Gandy of the National Organization for Women.

I think it means women's rights to abortion and even our right to birth control in some states would be in imminent jeopardy -- he's an active opponent.

Neat! Because if there's one thing America needs, wtih our sagging economy, poor environmental record, overpopulation problems, faltering educational system and health care crisis, it's more unwanted babies!

Here's Barry Lynn of Americans United for a Separation of Church and State.

As a deputy solicitor general, Roberts argued for the federal government that school-organized prayer at graduation ceremonies was permissible. He has also indicated, on behalf of the federal government, that privacy rights, and in particular reproductive rights, should be curtailed.

Hope you all like Jesus a lot. Cause you're gonna be seeing a whole lot more of him!

Here's Roberta Combs, President of the, ugh, Christian Coalition of America.

I think that the president did tonight what he said what he was going to do when he was campaigning. I'm happy that the president kept his word. He said he was going to nominate someone who would faithfully interpret the Constitution.

Guess how Roberta Combs looks...Come on, just guess. Give up?


Here's Erwin Chemerinsky a professor of law at Duke University:

Imagine in the 1950s a nominee who had consistently written briefs urging the overruling or limiting of Brown v. Board of Education. The nominee should have been rejected by the Senate unless he or she could show that the written record was not an accurate reflection of the person's views. That is exactly how the Senate should treat John Roberts.

Oh, snap!

Anyway, you get the idea. Will the Senate Democrats have the spine to take this douchebag on and reveal him for the ideological whackjob I, your humble blogger, already know him to be? Only time will tell.

But, you know, probably not. Look for his nomination next year for Worst Person Alive, the field for which is already becoming quite competitive.


Konrad said...

I guess: George W. wants to be surrounded by people, who are even uglier or more stupid than he is. Although this is hard to imagine. He is the epitome of mediocrity for me.

Bill said...

If only he'd nominated a FLAMING HOTTIE like Ruth Bader Ginsburg.

Cory said...

Is it me or does Roberts look like a cross between Greg Kinnear and Sammy Jankis from Memento?