Upcoming Hollywood Sequels

Movies have become so costly and audiences so unpredictable, Hollywood is relying to an increasing degree on franchises and sequel projects. Not only do these films have built-in audiences (fans of the original film), but they are also more efficient to brand to the American people. You don't really have to give people the hard sell for Chronicles of Narnia: Prince Caspian, because you already sold them on Lion, The Witch and the Wardrobe.

This means that some movies which probably don't deserve sequels - like Big Momma's House, say, or Carlito's Way - are getting them anyway. Here are a few you may not have heard about yet, because I have just made them up.

The Day After the Day After Tomorrow

When the entire Ozone Layer covering the Earth suddenly evaporates, Jake Gyllenhaal and Dennis Quaid must outrun radioactive UV radiation en route to joining the rest of their family in the Florida Keys.

The Silence of the Lambs 2: Do Over

Jodie Foster wakes up to discover that the past two sequels to Silence of the Lambs have all been a dream. She then sets about the actual business of re-catching Hannibal Lecter, which is all anyone wanted to see from these movies in the first place, as opposed to mutilated Gary Oldman tending to his hogs and wheelchair-bound Phillip Seymour Hoffman being thrown into traffic.

Office Space 2: The Search for Milton's Gold

IniTech sends Peter, Michael and Samir to the tropics to hunt down Milton and reclaim all the embezzled money he stole.

Back to Brokeback

I can't really describe this one without giving away the ending to Brokeback Mountain. So let me just say it will be directed by the Wachowski Brothers, and that in addition to more gay sex in a pup tent, it also involves a freeway chase, evil albino twins, a monologue by an old guy in front of some monitors and a large-scale rave in a massive underground city.

Naked Lunch 2: Naked in New York

Peter Weller and Judy Davis move to Manhattan, where they run afoul some more evil exterminators and cockroaches with talking sphincters. This edition, however, will replace previous director David Cronenberg with Paul W. S. Anderson...You know, to appeal to the young teens.

The Sixth Element

Not so much a movie as it is 90 minutes of footage of Bruce Willis beating the hell out of Chris Tucker. Promises to be one of the biggest hits of 2007!

The Brown Bunny 2: A Walk on the Brown Side

Vincent Gallo wanders around in a daze for 2 hours, until Chloe Sevigny shows up and gives him a rimjob, followed by a mechanical reach-around. Roger Ebert has pre-emptively given the film one thumb up.

Lord of the Rings: The Simarillion

Peter Jackson directs this 3 hour collection of disjointed epic poetry about elves. Maybe he should have gone with his prior sequel idea, Kong and Konger, but I'm not sure audiences were really hyped for that one. (Actually, it would be really hilarious now if Peter Jackson decided to remake the actual follow-up to King Kong, the fairly-atrocious Son of Kong, which was initially released the very same year as its predecessor - 1933).

X-Men 3: The Last Stand

Sideshow Bob and the gay art student from "Six Feet Under" join the cast as new mutants, while Jean Gray begs for death and Vinnie Jones prances around like an extra from the set of 54. Okay, I'll be honest...I didn't actually make this one up. But it fits in so well with all the fictional ideas...How could it be fairly excluded?

Meet Joe Black 2: Die Blacker

Brad Pitt returns as the Grim Reaper, killing large swatches of people using only the power of his slack-jawed stare and dull monotone. It will take the forces of a deaf and blind swordsman (Beat Takashi) to overcome his boringness and put an end to the massacre.

American Pie: Mid-Life Crisis

The old high school gang regroups one last time, to realize they are all balding and paunchy and sick to death of the girls they lost their virginity to and married years before. So they make a bet - they all have to leave their wives, buy a motorcycle or boat and start dating a stripper before Tax Day.

Donnie Brasco: Maximum Brascosity

Johnny Depp, after some plastic surgery to disguise his identity, goes deep undercover into the New Jersey mob. He discovers that the New Jersey mob, at this point, is a bunch of fat guys who own some strip malls and little else, which doesn't make for an exciting report but is relaxing after all his wacky adventures with those New York guys.