Pig and Human DNA Just Won't Splice

If there's one thing we love here at CBI, it's good old fashioned news stories about men sexing up farm animals. And Pam over at Pandagon has a whole slew of 'em today.

First, there's this case from last week, in which Mesa, Arizona Fire Department chief Leroy Johnson is placed on administrative leave after being caught, um...molesting a lamb in a neighborhood barn.

Police say Leroy Johnson went to a residence and knocked on the door of a home where a 13-year-old girl was staying home alone this weekend. When she didn’t answer, he went into the back yard, police said, and took a lamb into a nearby barn.

"One could certainly ascertain that if you're in a barn and in a secluded area with a lamb and you’re behind her and your pants are down by your ankles, then an unnatural sex act is probably occurring,” said Lisa Allen of the Maricopa County Sheriff’s office.

But if it's unnatural, Ms. Allen, why does it feel so right?

Officials with the Mesa Fire Department, responding to Johnson’s arrest , said he’s been an exemplary employee for the past 26 years, adding that they are shocked and surprised.

That's the understatement of the year. Imagine if someone told you that your boss has been arrested for fucking a lamb in a little girl's barn. I'd say shock and surprise would rank pretty high on my list of possible reactions, after, of course, the requisite 10 hours of riotous laughter and calling every person I knew to tell them the story.

Upt next, we have the sad tale of James Reynolds of Bainbridge, Georgia, arrested for having sex with a hog. (Actually, are we sure they meant James Reynolds and not Star Jones' husband Al Reynolds? It would be an easy-enough mistake.)

Police say Reynolds jumped a fence at a stockyard and had sex with a hog.

"I've never heard of anything like this, this is actually the first case I've ever personally had to prosecute of this nature, but I guess in the same sense, it's not necessarily that unusual for his case, because he's been arrested for the same conduct with animals before," said Joe Mulholland, Decatur Co. District Attorney.

Ugh...A multiple offender. People, this means the guy fucked a pig and enjoyed it so much he had to go back for a second round, despite being arrested the first time! I guess, once your entire community knows you as "That Hog-Fucker," you really have nothing to lose by going for it a second time. Is "That Repeated Hog-Fucker" really so much worse?

Finally, Washington State is about to make sex with animals a felony following an incident in which a local farmer died while giving it to his horse.

The measure would make bestiality a Class C felony, which is punishable by a maximum five years in prison and a $10,000 fine. Anyone videotaping such acts also could be convicted under animal cruelty laws, as could anyone permitting such acts to take place on his property.

Offenders could also be restricted from owning animals and required to undergo counseling.

So, okay, that's all well and good. But check out this quote:

"Animals are innocent. They cannot consent," said Sen. Pam Roach, R-Auburn, the bill's sponsor. "It's wrong, and now the law says it's wrong."

The first time I brought up the whole bestiality issue (which I misspelled at the time), I had a number of interesting comments. One guest challenged me on the issue of "consent." We hunt and eat animals against their consent, so why not molest them as well?

Personally, I don't find this theory very compelling. Under that line of argumentation, basically anything you want to do to an animal, no matter how painful or unneccessary, is a-OK. In theory, at least, when we raise animals for food, they are treated in the most humane manner possible. Regardless, the point isn't to torture or torment the poor things, as is certainly the case when you put your penis in them unexpectedly. (By the by, this description actually doesn't apply to the Washington farmer who died...He was, erm, the bottom in that particular scenario.)

What I find more interesting is that first sentence. "Animals are innocent." Okay, first off, I don't really feel like innocence is even a trait that can be applied to an animal. They have no morality, they have no conscience, so there isn't really room for "innocent" and "guilty." I mean, if a dog bites someone, then yes, that dog is "guilty" of biting...But that's not the context in which Ms. Roach is using the term.

She's equating "innocence" with asexuality. Animals don't want to have sex with people, therefore they are innocent.

Not much of a point to make here exactly...Just thought that was an interesting quote to give the newspaper. I would have just said, "As soon as I found out it wasn't already a felony in Washington to fuck a horse, I wrote this legislation up. I mean, what, are we kidding?"

Finally, blog Good as You unearths an article from James Dobson's repehensibly hate-mongering "Focus on the Family" website equating, you guessed it, gay marriage rights with bestiality. (The link goes to Good as You, because I'd rather have some hot hog-sex than link to Dobson). Here's the money quote from author Carrie Earll:

"The polygamists are going to go through the courts just like the gay-rights activists did, because that's the only way they can move their policy agenda forward," Earll said. "There is no limit to the deviancy of humanity. It could go to anything from bestiality to pedophilia to things we can't even imagine yet."

And you just know Carrie has spent a lot of time trying to imagine what will come next. "Hmm...what will perverts be into after it's legal to have sex with young children and animals. This sounds like a good research project! Good thing I don't have any big Friday Night plans! That'll show all those deviants."

Good as You makes all the sensible arguments against this nonsense. I just can't believe the frequency with which religious conservatives bring up besatiality in public. Remember Rick Santorum and his man-dog sex analogy? Aren't they worried people will start to read a bit more deeply into this fixation.

Not that...you know...I have a fixation...even though I just wrote a long blog post on the subject. Okay, this just got a little creepy. I guess I'll stop now.