I Don't Agree With That in the Workplace!

At least, that's what Eric Hitchmough would say, if he was here.

I've got to tell you all, I'm totally burning out on idiots. I'm just done with them. I've had enough. Reached my breaking point.

I don't want to single out any particular idiots in this post, as I'd rather not hurt anyone's feelings. At this point, I've had the blog for so long, and I've told so many random people about CBI, that I'm never sure who's actually going to read it and who isn't. I only get 120-170 hits a day, but my readers are a mysterious and ever-shifting lot. Some of them are in Dubai, which I'll admit unsettles me sometimes at 3 a.m. (I'm just kidding! Actually, I'd like to extend a hearty welcome to my somewhat-surprisingly-large Middle-Eastern readership! Marhaban!)

And I'd really rather not run in to someone tomorrow and have them get angry with me because I called them an idiot on the website I run that I didn't even know they'd ever visited.

But this is just an issue on my mind a lot these days. Because I work a retail job, because I live a building full of random strangers and because the city in which I reside has roughly a 78% insanity rate, per capita, I'm forced to deal with stupidity all the time.

Not occasionally, or every once in a while. That, I could deal with. In fact, I find occasional idiocy quite amusing, really. Like that time a customer in the bookstore in which I worked asked whether fiction was "the true stuff, or the not true stuff"? I laughed for hours about that one. My friend Nathan tells a story about helping a fellow student study for a Spanish mid-term, when they posed him this question: "What's a verb?"

And I'm always happy to recount for people my own brushes with idiocy, usually on this blog.

But I'm not talking about that stuff, the funyn little dumb crap that people do...That's universal.

I'm talking about idiots. Really stupid people who go around all day aggressively, arrogantly and forcibly foisting their stupidity on to others without even realizing what they are doing.

You want an example? How about whistlers? You know anyone who whistles compulsively, all the time? They haven't yet realized it, but people sound shrill and irritating when they whistle. I know that Disney cartoons and Lauren Bacall movies have convinced generations of Americans that whistling is either joyful or sexy, but it's neither. It's dumb and obnoxious.

But here's the worst, most bothersome thing about whistlers...If you mention how obnoxious whistling becomes after a few moments, it makes you seem irritable and petty. Seriously, you could be minding your own business. Say, putting movies away or something, and suddenly you hear someone inanely whistling. If you say, "Hey, dude, could you please stop whistling?," you're the bad guy. The grouch who doesn't like happiness.

And it's not just whistling. This dynamic applies to all sorts of annoying behaviors.

• Twirling or otherwise playing with one's hair
• Biting one's fingernails
• Humming
• Pacing
• Jingling one's keys

Oh, I have to stop there. I used to know a guy, years ago, who couldn't stand still without jiggling the keys in his pockets. It would get really annoying if you were standing around, talking to the dude, because it would almost seem like he wasn't paying attention. He was more focused on making a tinkly sound with the metal in his pocket than on what I was saying.

There was a silver lining to that particular cloud, however. I learned eventually to do a kickass impression of the guy, based solely on wobbling around and jiggling the keys in my pocket!

Okay, on with the list...More things that are subtly annoying, but that you can't really call people on without seeming very small and easy-to-annoy.

• Picking the underwear out of one's butt crack
• Repeated, ceaseless blowing of one's nose
• Making puns
• Spitting

Wow...Spitting...There are people I hang out with who spit constantly while outdoors. Constantly. They are incapable of being outside, amidst concrete or asphalt or grass, without spewing their own saliva to the ground at 10-20 second intervals. Disgusting. Personally, I find people expunging saliva from their mouths constantly to be as offensive and unpleasant as farting. I've always thought other people's spit was just gross.

In fact, there's one guy I work with (and he only occasionally reads the blog, so I think I'm safe) who actually spits in the trash cans behind the counter. Ewwwwww! Now, I know that there's no good, specific reason for me to stick my hand in the trash can, but it does occasionally go near that area. And what if something gets accidentally chucked in there and needed to be retrieved? Thankfully, I've never been in a situation where I'd actually need to reach into the spit-laden trash can, but such a situation could theoretically arise, so it would probably be best never to spit in even a semi-full container of refuse.

Here are some specific annoying behaviors of which I'm growing particularly tired

• Having dreadlocks and thus not washing one's head
• Telling others about how one read the book a movie was based on, and how it was way way better
• Constantly relating the same (or similar) anecdotes or repeating opinions that have been well established
• Raving about Crash, which is like so two weeks ago/Hating on Brokeback Mountain, which is like so last week

What's this week? Raving about Russian vampire film Nightwatch.

• Drivers who honk at you even though there's nothing you can do about an unfortunate traffic situation
• Babbling

This last one needs some comment. The other day I was involved in a conversation with someone about our delusional psychotic asshole President. (I'm often involved in these types of conversations). At first, it seemed totally fine, like a nice little exchange of ideas by two like-minded individuals.

But the other guy just started babbling. He'd get on a topic and then bounce around from idea to idea, barely pausing to take a breath. It was exhausting to even listen to this person. And by the time he wound his way around to his own background in activism and his desire to write actual legislation (which would then be promptly mailed to Washington!), I was making my lack of interest in the conversation visibly apparent. You know, shuffling around, darting my eyes hither and thither. Anything to subtly let this person know that he was rambling and I was growing less interested in his stream-of-conscience monologue.

And it had no effect. The guy kept right on talking. And on and on and on and on it went.

Which brings me to the #1 thing that makes annoying idiots annoying:

Total lack of self-awareness

The real idiots, the ones that drive you nuts after 10 minutes in their presence, are the ones missing the vital ability to size up their surroundings. The people who completely lack social grace or a sense of propriety.

Any one of us can make an idiot of ourselves. Once, when I was young (probably 7-9 years old, I'll estimate), my parents took me to a large birthday party being held for the child of my father's co-worker (or boss...I can't quite remember).

At one point, all the partygoers gathered in a tent for the official "cutting of the birthday cake" ceremony thing. The family did a thing where they let the baby for whom the party was thrown adorably "cut the cake," which actually means bury his face in the frosting and jerk around for a while.

Obviously, the cake was ruined. Everyone had a good laugh, and it made a good photo. But I was just a kid who had wanted some cake.

"Well, no one can have any now!" I said.

And my mother pulled me aside and explained that this was not an appropriate comment. The family had held the party, and they had decided to have fun with the cake instead of serving it, and it was rude of me to insist that I be given cake anyway.

That lesson always stuck with me. When you're a guest somewhere, you go by the host's rules, or stated in more universal terms - you do your best to get along with people, even if it means putting yourself out just a touch.

Your real Grade-A morons never learned this lesson. (They obviously didn't have my mother). They just blunder around, irritating and bothering all that they encounter while feeling no shame. It may seem like a sweet deal...Doing whatever you want, bothering whomever you feel like. But I don't know...it has to have its costs, too, right? I mean, these assholes must be lonely, what with driving away all potential friends and well-wishers by constantly picking their teeth and breaking wind.

Right?