O'Reilly's Adventures Through Time

It's early November, so you know what that means. Bill O'Reilly begins his yearly attempt to convince everyone that there's a conspiracy to wipe out the holiday of Christmas. Every time Bill says something cataclysmically stupid on TV or radio, I keep thinking that he'll be fired or silenced. But, no, he's clinging tenaciously to the airwaves for another merry ol' season of crackpot paranoia and condescending dementia. Here's Bill's favorite website Media Matters:

Fox News host and nationally syndicated radio host Bill O'Reilly claimed that "traditionalist" Supreme Court nominee Samuel A. Alito Jr., like the country's Founding Fathers, does not "want all mention of Christmas stricken from the public arena."

Clearly, you can see why Bill hates Media Matters for America. They repeatedly insist on writing down all the idiotic things he says and putting them online for people to read. These bastards must be stopped! Bill O'Reilly is a broadcaster; he's not in the business of making public statements, obviously!

Also, I'm not sure if you knew this, but Bill has fashioned something of a time travel device, allowing him to interview America's Founding Fathers. He has returned to 2005 with a panoply of insights from Alexander Hamilton, Thomas Jefferson, George Washington, Ben Franklin and others about all sorts of topics, from strict constructionism to even partial birth abortion!

Here's Bill's actual statements from his Westwood One radio show on November 1st:

O'REILLY: By the way, if Alito is confirmed, that will be a good thing for conservatives. That's the bottom line. Because Alito will take a more traditional view than a [Supreme Court justices Stephen G.] Breyer or a [Ruth Bader] Ginsburg. OK? He'll look at things, and he'll say, "You know, the Founding Fathers didn't want partial-birth abortion. The Founding Fathers didn't want all mention of Christmas stricken from the public arena." That's what Alito will do. He's a traditionalist. He's going to rule that way.

How does he do it? How does he manage to generate the 1.21 jigowatts of electricity needed to power his flux capacitor without getting his hands on some weapons-grade Lyberian plutonium? A bolt of lightning?

Well, regardless of the futuristic technology involved, one thing is unavoidably clear...Bill O'Reilly now has domain over the whole of space-time. He's able to glide easily throughout American History, asking the really crucial questions that we, the People of the 21st Century, need answered.

Now, I understand that he has a book coming out full of his adventures through time, but Bill said it was okay for me to give you all a sneak preview of some of the interviews he has conducted. You know, cause we're such close, personal friends. First, here's Bill with one of my favorite Founding Fathers, the Father of our Country, George Washington.

O'REILLY: Mr. Washington, thank you for having the courage to speak with me, unlike that total coward Nathan Hale. He refused to appear.
WASHINGTON: Well, I hardly think Nathan Hale...
O'REILLY: One question, Mr. Washington...Do you like Christmas?
WASHINGTON: Actually, Bill, it may interest you to know that many of us who resented years of tyrannical rule by the British rejected traditional British holidays following the American Revolution. Did you know that, at one time, it was even a crime in the city of Boston to celebrate Christmas?
O'REILLY: Just answer the question, sir...Do you like Jesus?
WASHINGTON: I suppose he wasn't a bad sort of guy, although many of us Founding Fathers are deists, which means we...
O'REILLY: Shut up, Mr. Washington, for a minute...
WASHINGTON: Actually, Bill, it's General Washington, and...
O'REILLY: Don't try to spin me. This is a no-spin zone.
WASHINGTON: What is the spin...
O'REILLY: I will shut off your microphone, okay? I will do it unless you can be civil. Now, answer my question, yes or no. Would you like to murder Christian children in their sleep the night of December 24th?
WASHINGTON: Well, of course not.
O'REILLY: Okay, fair enough, you favor Christmas. I'll give you the last word.
WASHINGTON: What?

Fascinating insights...After that, Bill jumped ahead a ways. Here's him speaking with Abraham Lincoln on the eve of his historic Gettysburg Address:

O'REILLY: Mr. Lincoln, thank you for meeting with me.
LINCOLN: Well, you just sort of barged in here. Didn't leave me much choice. I am actually quite busy.
O'REILLY: I appreciate your time.
LINCOLN: I guess I can just write the speech on the train there tomorrow. Hope I can come up with something good.
O'REILLY: Here's my question. Lots of people owned slaves, right? Even Thomas Jefferson, one of the Founding Fathers, he owned slaves. What's the big deal? Your thoughts.
LINCOLN: But does the Declaration of Independence not say, "We hold these truths to be self-evident. That all men are created equal?"
O'REILLY: Don't try to spin me, okay? That's the interpretation of useless liberal activist judges and you know it, sir. I won't be spun.
LINCOLN: I don't know why you keep talking about spinning...
O'REILLY: You know, in the Bible, lots of people owned slaves. Are you saying that The Bible is wrong?
LINCOLN: Of course not, but...
O'REILLY: Okay, then, we agree. Slavery is in the Bible, so it's okay. I'll give you the last word.
LINCOLN: This is highly irregular.

Thank goodness it was a real informed journalist of O'Reilly's stature who made this phenomenal discovery, and not some loudmouth jackass. We might have hard a real crisis on our hands. Here's one final Billy O. interview, this time with the 20th Century's most notorious madman, Adolf Hitler.

Yeah, that's right, I'm going there.

O'REILLY: Wow, what a thrill. Here I am, in a bunker deep beneath Berlin with the original Ubermensch, Der Fuhrer, Adolf Hitler.
HITLER: Danke, danke.
O'REILLY: Can I just say, I love what you've done with the place. Very homey.
HITLER: Yes, Eva is a whiz vit design. Did you see those lacy doilies unter all the bottles of suicide pills?
O'REILLY: A classy touch.
HITLER: Bill, I asked you down herr because I haff somezing to say to the zee Americans of zee future.
O'REILLY: Yeah, but before we get to that, can I just ask you one thing about America?
HITLER: Vell, I don't know about America in zee future. It's January of 1945.
O'REILLY: Why do you think these liberals hate Christmas so much?
HITLER: Vat are these liberals in America? Vat do they stand for?
O'REILLY: Oh, liberal is just a code word I use all the time for rich Jews who live in big coastal cities and run everything.
HITLER: Juden!
O'REILLY: Yeah, exactly.
HITLER: They hate Christmas because they were sent by the Devil to undermine the good, honest Christians. Zat is why they will try to eliminate Christmas, and Christianity. And it is why we have to eliminate them first!
O'REILLY: Yeah, totally. That's exactly what I've been saying.
HITLER: Bill, this comes right around into what I wanted to tell all the future Americans.
O'REILLY: Oh, yeah, what's that?
HITLER: I vill be back! Right now, in Brazil, brilliant Nazi scientists are developing a plan to clone me unt bring me into zee future! Once again, I vill make an attempt to conquer ze vorld!
O'REILLY: Really? Cause they tried that in a movie once and it didn't work.
HITLER: Really?
O'REILLY: Yeah. Gregory Peck was in it, I think.
HITLER: Schnell! Perhaps I vill just have to have them save my brain.
O'REILLY: Oh, jeez...

It goes on like that for a while. Anyway, you can check out the full transcripts once that book hits shelves.

Hopefully, after that, Bill will tell us about the mind-control device he has likewise developed, that allows him to view the contents of Samuel Alito's brain, including how the man will vote in any sort of hypothetical case that may one day arise.