I Am the Stupidest Man Alive

Supreme Court nominee Samuel Alito, he's pretty stupid. He thinks that authorities should be allowed to strip search 10 year old girls for drugs, even if the warrant they have been issued says nothing about searching any occupants of the house other than the adult male suspect.

And our President? We all know he's stupid.

And a lot of the customers we get at the store are intensely stupid. The other day, I had a woman come in and ask me if there was a movie called Space Odyssey. And then when I said there was, 2001: A Space Odyssey, she shot me a confused look, as if this was the strangest and most obscure fact anyone had ever laid on her. Also, today, we had a crazy man come in and tell us that he, personally, had faxed George Bush proof that there were no WMD's way back in 2003.

But none of these people are as stupid as me. I have just thrown the most important document in my life into a dumpster.

Alert readers may recall that yesterday, my roommates and I engaged in an unsurpassed fit of cleaning. Regrettably, included in the massive trash-collection effort was a single brown envelope, put aside by me to mail my parents, that included, among other important items, my copy of the contract I signed with a literary management agency.

Now, on one level, this is not the world's largest deal. They still have a copy of the contract, which they can copy for me I suppose. And it's not like they were planning on screwing me over anyway. But still...this makes me look like a complete assclown.

And I have that intensely frustrating feeling of wanting to turn back time a few hours, so you can prevent a bad thing from happening. I can actually picture myself placing that envelope down the other day on a speaker in the front room, and thinking "This may not be the best place for this item...it could get thrown away..." but then ignoring this thought and going about my business.

Superman never has these sorts of problems. If he throws away an important paper, he can just reverse the rotation of the Earth and turn back time, and put the paper safely away in a filing cabinet. It might mess with the space-time continuum and pervert the whole of human history...but he wouldn't lose that essential contract. Plus, he's Superman. Fuck the space-time continuum, he can only be hurt by Kryptonite.

Unfortunately, I have larger problems. Mainly, my parents, who are going to be completely infuriated and irritated by this shocking turn of events. This is one of those things I'm still going to hear about 30 years from now, when I visit them in the Hom...I mean, in the lavish mansion I'm planning to purchase for them!

"Son, would you hold on to my purse for me while I use the ladies' room...But, actually hold on to it, don't just throw it away like you did that management countract back in your mid-20's."

But perhaps the largest problem will be dealing with the management company. Do I just ask them to make me another copy of the contract for safe-keeping? Doesn't that make me look like a World Class Asshat? I'm trying to convince these people to help me start a writing career...I don't want to come off like Corky from "Life Goes On."

In a way, though, Corky and I aren't so different. If people really wanted me to safely move documents and contracts from one point to another, they should really pin them to my overalls and tell me to walk straight home. It might be a bit undignified, but at least shit would wind up in the right place, and not under about a dozen oozing trash bags in my driveway.