I Guess That's Why They Call it the Glues

A guy is suing Home Depot because someone glued him to a toilet seat. That's awesome.

Home Depot was sued by a shopper who claims he got stuck to a restroom toilet seat because a prankster had smeared it with glue.

Bob Dougherty, 57, accused employees of ignoring his cries for help for about 15 minutes because they thought he was kidding.

It's already unpleasant enough to make a doody in a public restroom. There's always gross smells, and wadded-up little wet pieces of toilet paper strewn about in an unsavory fashion. And those paper toilet seat coverings are so thin and flimsy! They're not even 1-ply. That's, like, .25-ply. I want 3-ply toilet seat coverings, goddammit. There's asses touching that seat all day - we demand protection.

So this poor guy is already dealing with all of this, and then on top of that, he finds himself planted to the seat with glue. And then on top of that, everyone in the store ignores him.

A store employee who heard him calling for help informed the head clerk by radio, but the head clerk "believed it to be a hoax," the lawsuit said.

Man, that is great. Because you know that line, "Believed it to be a hoax," means that all the Home Depot employees were laughing at this guy while he's glued to a toilet in the back. That's got to be a trifle bit humiliating. I think, rather than go through such an ordeal, I'd probably just content myself to just live out the rest of my years on a toilet in the bathroom of a Home Depot.

The lawsuit said store officials called for an ambulance after about 15 minutes. Paramedics unbolted the toilet seat, and as they wheeled the "frightened and humiliated" Dougherty out of the store, he passed out.

This is seriously the most pathetic story I've ever heard. It starts out, and it's about a middle-aged guy getting stuck on the can, which is always funny. But by the end, you really start to feel for this guy, Dougherty. I mean, it doesn't sound like the entire incident was that big a deal, and it would make a kickass blog post if it happened to me, but he sounds genuinely traumatized by the event.

Which is why I can't understand suing the company. I mean, I guess he'll get some kind of cash settlement, and everyone's greedy, but it just menas he has to recount this entire trauma in front of a national audience. I mean, I would never even know about Bob Dougherty of Boulder, Colorado getting his ass stuck to a toilet seat if there wasn't this Associated Press article about the entire affair. Now and forever, the rest of his life, he'll be the guy who got glued to a toilet seat. How dignified.

"This is not Home Depot's fault," he said. "But I am blaming them for letting me hang in there and just ignoring me."

Bob, as someone who has worked retail for years, let me assure you...The Home Depot emplyoees were not ignoring you. They were having a cheap laugh at your expense. In fact, if my instincts are correct, one of those very employees is most likely your initial seat-gluer.