Thoughts on the VMA's

• Diddy is probably the worst emcee of all time. And not just worst VMA emcee. Worst emcee of anything, ever. His hosting strategy consists, basically, of dancing like an uncoordinated white man, introducing and re-introducing Grandmaster Flash, and repeating the phrase "anything can happen."
• Is it just me, or does Diddy kind of dance like a white guy? He just kind of gestures in one direction and then the other without doing any actual dancing.
• Lots of explosions and pyrotechnics tonight. Did Gene Simmons or Michael Bay happen to direct this year's awards? Or is P-Diddles just creatively bankrupt?
• Why bring MC Hammer out of retirement just to dance around for 20 seconds to a remix of "U Can't Touch This"?
• What's so special about that Green Day "Boulevard of Broken Dreams" song/video? Can someone please explain? It's a decidedly below-average Green Day song and a generic video (and they already did several videos where they walk towards the camera through strange surroundings, like "When I Come Around" and "Walking Contradiction.")
• Did they really give Missy Elliott the key to the city of Miami? Do cities still even have "keys"? What to they open? It's probably something like the City Hall utility closet.
• Ashlee Simpson is incapable of appearing in public without wiggling her butt. This problem will heretofore be known as Ashlee Simpson Syndrome (or ASS).
• I didn't think it was possible anything could be more silly than the R. Kelly "Trapped in the Closet" music videos. But I was wrong. R. Kelly lip-synching the thing in front of a live audience in much, much sillier.
• "Trapped in the Closet" is probably the only soul song ever to include the phrase "He walks over to Chuck/And he kisses Chuck!"
• Making the Band III, Season 2. Hells yes.
• A commercial for the CBS sitcom "How I Met Your Mother" just included a joke wherein Neil Patrick Harris remarks "I'm definitely putting this on my blog!" Blogs, having been a joke on a CBS sitcom, are officially uncool forever. I give up.
• Diddy just made an introspective statement, possibly for the first time this year. While doing a bad joke about changing his name to Seandeleeza Diddy-Rice, he said "I told y'all to vote or die. Y'all didn't, but I sold a lot of t-shirts." Remarkable, and rare, honesty.
• Hillary Duff just said she loves Morrissey. I totally give up.
• The Killers? More like Teh Sux0rs! "Mr. Brightside" is a huge radio hit despite having no discernable hook whatsoever. It's so goddamn boring.
• Is "Entourage" really this popular, that PCU veteran J. Piven gets a presenter spot on the VMA's? I'm amazed. The Piv and Lil' Kim share quite possibly history's most awkward award banter, as a joke about Kim's pending incarceration goes horribly wrong. In the audience, 50 Cent can barely contain his aversion to Piven.
• Ludacris calls actor and Mini-Me Verne Troyer "Vernon Troyer" during his acceptance speech. Classy.
• Thank you, MTV, for bringing back "Beavis and Butthead." Man, I miss those guys.
• You know, out of all contemporary rock, there really isn't a band I hate more than My Chemical Romance. Good Charlotte and Sum 41 come REALLY close...but I think My Chemical Romance takes the taco. Congrats, guys.
• This Gap commercial they keep repeating about "favorite songs" actually has me considering what my all-time favorite song would be. It's an impossible question, but I'm always tempted to say Velvet Underground's "Oh Sweet Nuthin" off the "Loaded" album (and the High Fidelity soundtrack). That's probably the single song I've listened to most often in the past 5 years or so.
• I wonder if Johnny Knoxville really does have a pocket full of amphetamines. Probably.
• Those guys The Bravery are nominated for some award. I'm seeing them in a few weeks at the KROQ Inland Invasion concert in Devore. They're among the bands I'm least interested in seeing (along with Jet and 311!) My real reasons for going are as follows: Arcade Fire, Weezer, Bloc Party, Cake, Beck.
• Fall Out Boy sucks, but that's an awesome name for a band. Any Simpsons reference is alright with me.
• Fat Joe needs a lot more bling. Seriously, what's up, man? Only 50 individual items of jewelry? Did the last album flop or something?
• Is it horrible that I kind of find this "Gasolina" song catchy? This is the third or fourth time I've heard it, and I could easily hear it 10 or 12 more times at least. I think I should turn off MTV right away.
• That Missy Elliott video that won the Hip Hop category is kind of cool. I don't like her music at all, but she does always come with cool videos. See also, Busta Rhymes. She thanks God. Can you imagine a worldview in which God affects the outcome of the MTV Video Music Awards in your favor while ignoring a massive hurricane that threatens the lives of thousands?
• Apple's Dad and his bandmates do absolutely nothing for me. Coldplay is the Poor Man's Radiohead. That light/water stage effect thing they have going behind them is pretty sweet-looking, though.
• Kelly Clarkson is looking fairly hot tonight. Too bad she has dinosaur arms (stumpy arms too small for her body, like those of a T-Rex).
• That Gap commercial just came on again and made me think of another favorite song. The Beatles "Dig a Pony" off the "Let It Be" album. The single most underappreciated song in the Beatles catalog.
• In high school, I was friends with a guy who randomly kind of knew the band No Doubt (We're all from Orange County, and they weren't yet famous). So I had a huge thing for Gwen Stefani. Now, I feel silly for having crushed on a woman who pays Japanese girls to follow her around.
• See what I mean about Kanye West being a hypocrite? He's nominated for a Jesus song, and now he's performing a song implying that women are nothing more than shallow gold-diggers who trade sex for material goods. Mixed messages! And what the hell is Jamie Foxx doing there? Dude, you have an Oscar now...Some dignity, please.
• The announcer just said coming up next was "Snoop Dogg with your new favorite comedian Dane Cook." Now, I actually like Dane Cook a great deal. But I don't like being told he's my favorite comedian. I'll decide my own favorite comedian, thanks MTV. And my own favorite song, thank you very much, Gap. And, Kanye, Pepsi sucks.
• Could Seal's "Crazy" really be Alanis Morisette's favorite song ever? And she's admitting that on national television?
• Snoop's still trying to make "nephew" happen. Snoop, it's not gonna happen. It was a noble effort. That -izzle thing sure stuck around, though, well done on that one.
• Dane has to do some stand-up right in the middle of the Music Video Awards? That's a tough crowd...I'm not hearing a ton of laughter; he seems pretty anxious to get the hell out of there. Yikes.
• Never heard this "Ordinary People" song until tonight. Meh.
• The lionization of Bishop Don "Magic" Juan by Diddles is pretty despicable. This guy isn't a fictional pimp, like guy in The Mack (a terrific movie). This guy is an actual pimp, meaning a guy who not long ago would put women on the street, use violence to force them to have sex with men, and then take all of their earnings as his own. Sometimes, he'd probably get them hooked on drugs. I'm not an easy guy to offend, but Diddy managed.
• Eva Longoria is hot.
• Mariah Carey's boobs are out. Again.
• Beavis sounds kind of different tonight. I'm sure they got Mike Judge to come back and do it, because Butthead sounds like his old self. Did Judge just forget how to do the voice? Was he just hoarse that day or something?
• Best moment of the whole night: The very hot Paulina Rubio says "when you put a band together with a talented director, this is what it happens" and co-presenter Lil' Jon laughs at her. She then corrects herself, but it's too late - the mic is already off. Awesome.
• Second best moment of the whole night: Gorillaz win Breakthrough Video and Paulina Rubio loudly proclaims "They're not here!," obviously not realizing that they are a fictional cartoon band.
• There's something oddly mannish about Fergie from Black Eyed Peas. Every time I see her, I'm on the verge of finding her attractive before my heterosexuality kicks in.
• I can't believe I'm actually going to have watched this entire program. I hadn't intended do, seriously. This is all because I started blogging about it. I had initially thought I'd watch a half hour or so, write a blog post about how dumb it was and then watch Dario Argento's Deep Red.
• What the hell just happened? I saw 50 Cent cursing then they cut to Kanye West standing up then they cut back to 50 cursing then they cut away to commercial. I think I just missed the most interesting moment of the entire show. What's the point of even having a telecast?
• Jesus! This NAVY commercial just showed a girl launching a rocket aimed directly at some guy's chest! I mean, I know that, if you join the Navy, there's a decent chance you'll have to commit some act of violence against someone, but is that really the sales pitch now? "Join the Navy, maybe we'll let you take some dirty Arabs out."
• I'm still impressed by how quickly the Pussycat Dolls went from "strippers" to "pop stars." It was seamless. Well played.
• You know how, just a few hours ago, in this very post, I wrote that my least favorite band right now is My Chemical Romance? Puffy just introduced them as his favorite band. Furthermore, he used his status as a fan of My Chemical Romance as proof that he's a fan of quality rock music. Did I already say that I quit? I quit again.
• If I'm wrong about the whole No-God thing, and there is a Hell, I suspect I'll be hearing the phrase "Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Bow Wow and Paris Hilton" a great deal. They're comparing the gaudiness of their jewelry as we speak.
• Green Day wins again. With them all over MTV, I'm suddenly having flashbacks to my freshman year of high school. Early 90's nostalgia has arrived, folks, and I for one welcome our new grunge overlords.
• Wait, coming up? There's more? This show needs to end.
• Jamie Foxx apparently has an album coming out later this year. Trivia: Who was the last Best Actor winner to release a solo music album? My guess: F. Murray Abraham.
• Beyonce is hot.
• I don't like a single song nominated for Video of the Year. Green Day wins. I'm going to turn this thing off right now.