Get Back in the Closet!

Perhaps you've seen one of R. Kelly's "Trapped in the Closet" videos on MTV. I had not, but that's because I turn off MTV whenever there's even a remote chance R. Kelly will be on.

But I have to say, this "Trapped in the Closet" thing is kind of intriguing. It's a five song cycle (the music is the same in all five songs; only the lyrics change) that tells a patently absurd story. Each song has a music video to go along with it, in which R. and actors recreate the exact action he describes in the song.

Go watch the whole thing for free on R. Kelly's website. (Click on "Video" to get to the page).

Yeah, it's really weird. But what's even weirder is the story.

The narrator named "Sylvester" in the press materials, which also happens to be R. Kelly's real last name - Robert Sylvester. He's a married guy, but one night whilst up in the club with his boys, he meets a sexy girl and goes home with her. When we meet up with him, he's waking up in her bed. It's 7 a.m. and he's rushing out the door to get home to the wife when the woman's husband comes home.

So Sylvester hops into the closet, where he espies his female companion and her husband going at it. Unfortunately, that's when Sylvester's cell phone goes off, alerting the jealous husband to his presence in the room. And then he pulls out a Baretta.

And that's the first goddamn song. There are five of these. Eventually, by the end, there will be a variety of angry, adulterous characters screwing one another behind one another's backs. By the end, the various illicit affairs will even include a policeman! Four more horny professionals and Robert will have his own Village People.

So, is it good? No, it's horrible. First of all, the beat is okay, but it's not what I'd call infectious. And it would kind of have to be at least catchy for you to want to hear it spread out over five five minute songs. That's 25 minutes of listening to the same beat if you hear the entire cycle in a row.

It's really really stupid for R. to write five songs that are identical in the first place. Why not write five different songs and just weave the story through all of them? Did they all have to be the same? Isn't it kind of boring?

And as for the story, it was compelling enough to keep me entertained for the near-half hour I spent watching it, but it's very very strange. I like how the narrator isn't a particularly reasonable or nice guy. At first, you think he's sort of a regular guy, our window into the story, an unfortunate soul who is paying for a poor decision with a really frenzied chaotic situation.

But eventually, once he blows his top a few times and starts waving a gun around indiscriminately (even firing into the ceiling at one point), we realize this dude is just as wacky as everyone else in this ludicrous story. And I for one kind of respect that.

Wow, though...It's clear from these videos that Robert's got some woman issues. As if that wasn't already clear enough from that video he made with him urinating on the underage girl. Or the fact that he named an entire album of work "Chocolate Factory" and another album "Twelve Play," because it's three times better than foreplay.