There's Something Wrong with the Federline Baby...

It's Alive!!!!

Seriously, Britney Spears is preggers, folks. I couldn't let that incident slide by without a blog post.

Plus, I just sent an e-mail to the LA Weekly applying for a job as a columnist, so I have to prove that I can amusingly dish about celebrities without sounding like the whiny nerd I so clearly am.

So, in news that comes as no surprise to vapid shallow LA scenesters, Britney Spears has allowed that rodent-looking gentleman she married a while back to fill her womb with his seed. Eeewwwww. This is already more gross than that overturned port-a-potty post I did a few weeks back.

"The time has finally come to share our wonderful news that we are expecting our first child together," the singer said. "There are reports that I was in the hospital this weekend, and Kevin and I just want everyone to know that all is well. Thank you for your thoughts and prayers."

Isn't this really the ultimate proof that money and success won't bring you happiness? These aren't two older people settling down following a wild youth. They're young, they're just married, they've fabulously wealthy...why are Britney and Kev so anxious to settle down and raise a family?

You spend years working your ass off to finally attain a measure of real commercial success, and then right when your fame has crested, you marry some half-bearded hillbilly and get knocked up? The whole enterprise is just so pointless. I don't think I was alone in hoping for some massive Britney Spears implosion, in which she'd either turn into a drunken, Courtney Love-esque burnout of epic proportions, or go the Liza Minelli route and just get increasingly manic and desperate for attention as the years wear on.

Is it too much to hope for that Kevin Federline become a kind of David Gest figure, whom Britney openly beats up in public? Dare I dream?

In an interview with People magazine last fall, she said: "I want to be a young mom. I can see us as parents."

While this will be Spears' first foray into parenthood, Federline, 27, has two children with his ex-girlfriend, actress Shar Jackson. Spears and Federline met last year when he was a backup dancer on her tour — and Jackson was pregnant with their son.

Oh yeah, that's right! I totally forgot that Kev-bo ran out on his last wife when she was pregnant with their second child. She must be feeling great now that he's off starting a new family with the slutty girl from the Pepsi ads! Now, I'm not calling Kevin Federline a scumbag...I don't even know the guy. Maybe, as I said, he's just a hillbilly.

Yet the couple have hardly hid from the limelight — last week, the pair announced they would document their courtship in a new reality series on UPN. The network promised "exclusive, never-before-seen private home videos" of their "personal love story."

Really? The Britney Spears TV show will be featured on UPN? Man, she really has fallen off the radar. Nobody watches UPN. Now that "Enterprise" and "Angel" have been cancelled, they can't even count on that lucrative "morbidly obese dork" demographic any more.

Let me put this into perspective: UPN just renewed "Veronica Mars" for two more seasons. More people have seen this blog in the past week than "Veronica Mars," and I'm not even a sassy crime-solving adolescent.

But really, it's kind of hard for me to believe that Britney can't get on to a major network, or at least MTV. With "Newlyweds" and "Ashlee Simpson" both ending, how will I get my fill of self-obsessed chatty pop idols and the semi-retarded hipsters with whom they socialize and travel? I'm never invited to hang out with those kind of people except through the miracle of television.

Oh, and one more thing: Britney, if by some miracle you've stumbled on to my blog, please, I beg of you, don't give your child some dippy celebrity kid name. It's going to be extremely challenging growing up the daughter or son of Britney Spears anyway, so why saddle them with some baroque handle like Gregorious Terwillinger D'aunte Mikhail Spears Federline.

Gwyneth Paltrow has actually named her daughter Apple. Apple Blythe Alison Martin. Apple! Why not just go with one of George Costanza's "Seinfeld" suggestions, and name the kid Soda?

She's already Gwyneth Paltrow Jr., and now she has to go through life as Apple. And they even made her middle name Blythe (after Gwen's famous momma), so she can't go by that either.

And didn't anyone tell them that non-Mexicans have three names, not four or more? Where the hell did that Alison come from? Why not just make that the first name, and save the poor thing some grief?