Cemetary Man

No, this is not a review of the movie Cemetary Man. In fact, there's no easy way for me to even watch the movie again and review it for you, as the thing's not available on DVD. You believe that? A zombie comedy starring Rupert Everett, and you have to have a Laserdisc player to watch it?

So, that's not what this post is all about. This is about a 17 year old in Vermont who broke into a cemetary and removed a corpse's head.

Nickolas Buckalew, 17, later was arrested and charged with unauthorized removal of a dead body. He pleaded innocent to the crime.

Police believe they have a strong case against Buckalew because remains and evidence were found in a silo near the suspect's home outside the village and 2/10ths of a mile from the cemetery.

"Within minutes we found the duffle bag with the remains in it and tools that were used to enter the tomb and the casket," Keith said.

The corpse was identified as one Mr. Alfredo Garcia...

No, just kidding.

Oh, Nicky, I hope you have a good lawyer. You were found in a silo 1/5 of a mile from the cemetary (not far) with the head and the tools for digging up the head in your duffel bag.

And Johnny Cochran just died! Who will run the Chewbacca defense for you now!

So, clearly, this raises the question...what could a 17 year old kid possibly want with a stranger's head? Is it part of some sick wiccan ritual or something we should all know about? Because, as you all know, wiccans are stupid.

Authorities are not sure of the motive of the crime. Court documents said the suspect allegedly talked of using the man's head as a bong or a pipe for smoking marijuana.

Oh, of course! How silly of me to have even raised the question in the first place. Clearly, this whole unpleasant mess began with the following phrase: "Dude, a dead guy's head would make an excellent bong!"

I don't know what's more sad...The fact that some kid actually thought of this plan, or the fact that, as soon as I read about this plan, my first thought was..."How would you make a dead guy's head into a bong?"

I guess you'd put the weed (or whatever you wanted to smoke...flavored tobacco, perhaps...) in the guy's, um, ear hole...or cut out his eye and put it in his eyehole...and then suck on his mouth? No, that's gross. You'd put the weed in his mouth and suck on his nostril...Um, maybe not...

Wow, this is a really stupid idea. First off, it's probably not going to work, unless you can really master that sinus-echo chamber effect that some of those opera singers use. Second, there's no place you can put your lips on a dead guy's head that's not completely disgusting. Like, disgusting enough to make even smoking pot disturbing. Which ain't easy to do.

Third, if you happen to be in Frank Miller's Sin City universe, you're never positive that head's not going to spin around and start cracking wise to you just when you're about to take a drag off of it.

So, it's really not a good plan no matter how you look at it. On the bright side, here's one young punk we can safely lock up before he takes out all his classmates with a machete or something. One down, only 50 million young American psychos left to go.