C is for Cookie...

That's good enough for me.

But now, because America is on this anti-obesity kick, the Cookie Monster of "Sesame Street" fame will no longer be allowed a diet of exclusively cookies.

Seriously. They're taking away cookies...from the Cookie Monster.

Even politicians have gotten into the act, filming public service announcements with "Sesame Street" residents. In one taping, Senate Majority Leader Bill Frist taught Elmo to exercise -- jumping up and down. In another, Sen. Hillary Clinton and the small red monster discuss the various textures and tastes of foods.

"Even Cookie Monster is learning to control his cookie cravings," Frist told me by e-mail. "His sage advice opened our eyes to the simple joys of a tasty cookie and now reminds us that moderation is the key to healthy living."

Actually, Cookie Monster's sage advice taught us that the word "cookie" begins with the letter C, Senator Bill. I also recall one occasion where old Cook taught us about computers by using a magical device that made cookies magically appear on a monitor.

Surely there are better spokespeople for cookie-eating moderation than a blue, googly-eyed monster whose passion for baked goods is indicated right there in his name. He's a Cookie Monster! That's what he is. Asking him to enjoy cookies in moderation is like asking Dick Cheney to kill foreigners in moderation. That's not how monsters work. They're just not built that way.



I'd quote more from this CNN article about the Cookie Monster's newfound respect for nutirional guidelines and healthy moderation, but it's all written in this cutesy, folksy, first-person style that's really obnoxious. You know, kind of like this blog. To wit:

My beloved blue, furry monster -- who sang "C is for cookie, that's good enough for me" -- is now advocating eating healthy. There's even a new song -- "A Cookie Is a Sometimes Food," where Cookie Monster learns there are "anytime" foods and "sometimes" foods.

"Sacrilege!" I cried. "That's akin to Oscar the Grouch being nice and clean." (Co-workers gave me strange looks. But I didn't care.)

Ugh. Dave Barry, this girl ain't...

Anyway, I like this concept of "anytime" and "sometimes" foods. It's actually kind of, you know, reasonable. (But, for the record, a cookie is always food. Except those imitation cookies with carob or dried fruit bits in them...those are never food.)

When I was a young kid, the concept of eating balanced meals for good nutrition was already well in place, but the core concept was often obscured by the severity and frequency of the message. Sugar wasn't just a "sometimes" food but a silent killer that rots your teeth and gives you pimples and makes you fat and ugly.

And who could forget constant interruptions during Saturday Morning cartoons?

I remember one urging me to eat fish twice a week, another starring a hunk of cheese dressed as a cowboy, another one about how you should drink milk constantly, except when you're pouring water down your gullet, and even one telling me to eat five fruits or vegetables a day. Fucking A, I'm trying to watch "The Great Space Coaster."

As a kid, that "fruits and vegetables" thing seemed particularly bizarre. Could the television really be urging me to eat five whole vegetables a day? I liked some fruits as a kid (particularly bananas, still a favorite...), but not really the veggies.

Not much has changed.

So the thought of trying to force feed myself an entire head of broccoli, of cramming five full servings of green beans into my stomach when they're intended as a side dish...well, I think it might have done more harm to my understanding of nutrition than good.

Personally, if there's one aspect of the Cookie Monster's personality we should alter for the well-being of children, it's his abhorrent butchering of the English language. How many kids have grown up thinking it's proper to use the phrase "me want cookie." Instead of life lessons about the overall deliciousness of celery, how about getting CM a basic understanding of phonics and syntax? Me ask you, is that too much to ask?

Oh, and me want to thank Gorilla Mask for the link.