Exorcize and Proper Diet

LOL is, of course, Internet chat shorthand for "laughing out loud." It's usually bullshit, though. People type LOL any time anyone says anything even remotely humorous, not when they are literally L-ing O L. Well, folks, I'm actually laughing out loud here in my room. This headline has made my day:

Real possession by devil not that common, exorcists say during lesson

You hear that, everyone? Real possession by the Devil...it doesn't happen as much as you'd think. Maybe once, twice a week, that's it. The Devil, he's busy. He can't be inhabiting people's bodies, making them spit pea soup and stab themselves in the genitals with a crucifix, all the time. Saturdays? Those are the Devil's days. To just, you know, unwind.

Okay, okay, so the article comes from the Catholic News Service, and they have to say stuff like this, because they believe in God and the Devil and all that crap. But, man, what a headline.

The article goes on to seriously report that there aren't a whole lot of real exorcisms. Cause, you know, there's nothing actually going on in the world that requires news coverage, so we might as well spend our time writing articles about bullshit that doesn't ever happen.

When a person who thinks he or she is possessed approaches a priest looking for help, they said, the priest must know enough about possession to know whether a simple prayer is called for or whether he needs to refer the person to a psychologist or to the diocesan exorcist.

It's a very complicated process.

Some guy comes in to the priest's office and says, "Hi, Father Merrin [or whatever...I'm just using that name cause he's an exorcist]. I was hoping you could help. I woke up the other day with what I thought might be the flu, but it turns out, I've got a demon inside me. You think you could pencil me in for one of the holy-water-power-of-Christ specials this afternoon?"

The priest then has to decide whether this guy really has a demon inside of him, or if he might just be, you know, crazy. This is why you need a priest who knows a lot about possession. Otherwise, you'd be totally stuck. You'd probably find yourself trying to extract a devil from inside some random schizophrenic. Or worse, sending a perfectly sane man who just happened to somehow contract a Satanic possession to the loony bin!

Father Paolo Scarafoni, a member of the Legionaries of Christ and rector of the university, told reporters: "Satanism is in fashion right now. It is being spread particularly through music and through the clothes musicians wear.

"People today find it easy to attribute strange phenomena or suffering to the devil," he said. "There are long lines of people standing at the doors of exorcists."

Oh, man, I just started LOL-ing again. Father Paolo Scarafoni, I could kiss you, if I wasn't afraid you'd enjoy that a lot! His theory, in short, is that devil music like that heavy metal rock and roll you kids listen to has caused a mass fascination with Satan, driving many young people to line up outside exorcism clinics around the world hoping to get the devil extracted from their bodies by priests...What? Either Father Paolo is infected with some sort of devil that prevents him from making sense, or he's a complete moron. Who happens to be the rector of a university. Nice!

Plus, I would love to wait in a long line of people standing at the doors of exorcists. That's got to be a fun group. Who do you think is the weirder, more messed up group of people: those in the exorcism line, or the people lined up right now to see Episode III? It's a tough call.

After counseling, he said, "I do maybe 20 exorcisms each year."

Father Scarafoni said that, generally, "85 percent to 90 percent of these people are not possessed or even being attacked by the devil. They need someone to listen. They need a prayer. They need a long walk and a glass of water."

Man, that counseling must be something else. After it's over, 20 people still think they have the Devil inside him. What could he possibly be saying to them in counseling. "So, Dave, tell me about your childhood...Mmm-hmmm....Do you ever have feelings of inadequacy...Mmm-hmmm...How's your love life....Okay...Well, Dave, I think it's entirely possible that you need to boost your self-esteem. Oh, and you have The Devil Incarnate within your body, poisoning your soul with treacherous malfeasance as he ignites your tender viscera into an nightmarish inferno of pain and suffering. Oh, look at that, our hour is up."

Mad props to FARK for this link. Best thing I've read on the Net in a good long while.