Monday, January 17, 2005

Why Garden State Sucks...Explained!

I know, I know, I'm obsessed with the awfulness of Garden State. I can't stop hating Zach Braff just because you're sick of reading about it, you know...I have to live with these feelings 24 hours a day.

So, anyway, I stumbled across an interview with Zach Braff from IGN Filmforce from July. Okay, stumbled is the wrong word. Purposefully sought out and then read diligently would be more like it. And I've figured out why he sucks...He spells it all out for everyone, clear as day. I couldn't argue why he's the worst writer/director of 2004 better myself...Check out this quote, for starters, about how he came up with the idea:

"Well, I went to film school and I wanted to and I started thinking about what my first feature would be and I knew all the things I didn't want it to be, and so I decided I wanted to do something really personal, and for me, this is what I was going through in my twenties, these are the problems I was sort of obsessing about and worrying about and I decided well, why don't I, since what I know is coming home as a actor who hasn't worked much, why don't I write that story?"

Okay, right, fair enough so far...It's a bit strange that he's describing a movie about a guy who accidentally kills his mother and then zonks himself out on prescription drugs for most of his adolescence and 20's as 'personal' describing 'the problems [he] was sort of obsessing about', seeing as he obviously had a very productive 20's. You know, what with going to film school and landing that sitcom. But, anyway, if that's the personal story he wanted to tell, fair enough.

But check out this quote just one paragraph later:

"There [are] lots of anecdotes and such that are true, they didn't all necessarily happen to me, they happened to friends and some happened to me, some I read about in the paper and they were the real basis, they were the foundation on which I started writing the script."

So, it's a personal story describing problems he was obsessing about, based on things he read in the paper. Hmmm...still, not completely idiotic. A bit strange. But not completely idiotic. What things did he get from the paper, I wonder? Medieval Times employees going out with middle aged stoners? Epileptics in helmets on mopeds? Houseboats at the bottom of empty lakes in canyons? There's nothing in the entire movie that feels real enough to be in a newspaper, but I'll give Braffy the benefit of the doubt.

So, here's when the interview gets hopelessly dumb. Here's Braff on writing the character of Sam, played in the film by the stunning Natalie Portman:

"I just sort of found this male fantasy of like, of like a girl that will come along and rescue you and she will be unlike every girl you have ever met in your entire life, and she will just stand out and be eccentric and different, so I just sort of wrote who, in my mind, of who Large was, who that perfect girlfriend would be."

Okay, anyone who has ever written anything in their lives will tell you that this is retarded. He didn't start by trying to write a character that would feel real, that had any internal life of her own, or personality. He wrote a character who would fit into the plan he already had for the main character, who itself is just a stand-in for Zach Braff. Remember, it's a personal story about feelings and obsessions he had...So, basically, he made a character out of a wet dream. This is why she seems so empty in the film, despite the talented Ms. Portman's best efforts.

And here's the final dumb quote:

"Well, I learned a lot in film school but Scrubs has been a grad school in a lot of ways because I can meet a different director every single week and I get to see how all these different people work."

That's just dumb because "Scrubs" sucks.

So, there you have it. A pretty good explanation for why Zach Braff sucks. He writes characters with no souls, ciphers he can filter his goofy adolescent fantasies through, and then act them out on screen and pretend to be a great filmmaker. I just don't understand why so many people are going for this nonsense. Have they seen so few movies? Do they simply lack perspective? Someone explain this to me, I genuinely don't get it.

25 comments:

Anonymous said...

Get a life! You have no idea what you're talking about. Zach Braff is HOTT and Scrubs is awsome!! I love everything about Zach Braff... he's an amazing actor/ writer/ EVERYTHING!

Anonymous said...

I agree with that person. GET A LIFE! Zach Braff is HOTT. You dont have any idea what your talking about. Hes way cooler than you.

Anonymous said...

rock on! its good to see that other people appreciate scrubs unlike some people. >=[

Anonymous said...

i didn't exactly just stumble across your post. i googled "zach braff sucks" and found it. i agree with you. 'garden state' was the worst film. it's the most pretentious, self-aware piece of garbage that tries to come off as clever. i can't believe how many people liked this movie. my only guess is it's their inability to detect a lack of depth of character and plot. the story was an amalgam of unfunny anecdotes that braff obviously collected over a period of time and just had to include in the movie. the result? - a meaningless patchwork of scenes that try to come across as hip and funny, yet fail to drive the story forward. i'm sure zach braff is a nice guy in person, but i hated this movie.

Anonymous said...

I googled "why scrubs sucks." Weird.

Anonymous said...

i also googled "zach braff sucks." haha. at least there are a few of us out there. im so sick of this guy and cant believe there are girls that love this ugly, not so funny guy

Anonymous said...

Zach Braff is a total douche. Scrubs sucks, Garden State was the worst movie ever, and I dont understand how this guy gets funding to make crap films. Any ideas?

Same said for Natalie Portman. Blandest actress ever.

Anonymous said...

The reason Zach Braff sucks is because he tries to come off as a real person, when it's really obvious he isn't. He's a typical fake East Coaster who tries to make Los Angeles out to be this shallow wasteland, when, in fact, people like him revel in their vanity.
How vain is he? He casts himself in a protagonist role opposite Natalie Portman. Give me a break!
His character in Garden State was emotionless, but trying to be deep, and he was desperate for sympathy, yet he somehow lands someone as attractive as Portman.
The title "Garden State" implies that something grows. Perhaps something grows in New Jersey, the state's mottos. Who grows in this movie? Certainly not the characters. The only that grew was my low opinion of Braff.

Anonymous said...

You're not "indie" if you have Coldplay on your soundtrack. Good band, don't get me wrong, but he used the first track on an album that sold millions of copies.
Also, you're not "indie" if you're on freakin' NBC!
The dude is a joke.
I'm glad people are ripping on him.

Oh, and if he's such a lover of film, how come he's never written anything besides Garden State? I saw that he's adapting. Adapting is for sissies.

Anonymous said...

Everyone I know was so hyped about this movie Garden State, and pretty much forced it upon me. When I finished watching it, I was like... um, ok. There was something missing, The film was not complete and it really pissed me off because I couldn't describe why I hated it so much, It was quirky, my kind of movie. I think this explains it a lot. Zack Braff is completely egocentric, it comes across clearly in all his work, he may be clever at times(he certainly thinks he is) but it is singular and limited. Scrubs used to be an ok sitcom, the new season sucks. I hope they end it soon before it continues to embarrass itself. Zack Braff is not hot (yes, I'm a girl, and I am saying he is not hot -_-), his is mediocre, not bad mind you, and I see potential, but it won't ever be reached cause he already thinks he the best thing that's ever happened to the industry. To all of you who claim Garden State is the best movie ever, I urge you to see more good movies, you've been deprived.

Anonymous said...

So I watched this tastless movie tonight, and I was just wondering why do movies with now plot, and good actors...yet chitty characters always get good hype and good awards and why people love them. I stumbled on your site because I HATED Garden State. I mean I love scrubs, but Garden State was shitty. Why do people like movies that are quiet, and have no moral intended, or anything good. What is with these bland movies: Eternal Sunshine, Garden State, Elephant, No Country for Old Men. I mean movies that are hyped up and somehow win Acadey Awards, and Oscars? WHY?!?!!? THEY SUCK!!!!

Anonymous said...

I hate Zach Braff so much! Why is he on TV? Have standards that low? He must suck up to the execs. Maybe it really is who you know.

Anonymous said...

Yeah, i agree with a lot that has been said. I haven't watched much "Scrubs" but know of ZB's rise to fame and couldn't get away from hearing.

"i'm in my own movie, i'm so important, i'm such a sensitive guy and no one understands me but maybe she will by the way can we have sex?"

Yeah thought the film was shite big ups to the quality control

Anonymous said...

Zach Braff is proof that any ugly guy can be thought of as "Hot" by simply getting into people's brains the same way annoying songs get overplayed till they are forced in.
Love Scrubs, and nothing agaisnt Zach, he's just not hot at all. As for Garden State.. Finally watched it after everyone said all sorts of good stuff about it and I filled my expectations so high that I was terribly disappointed. :/
How I found this: Garden State Sucked.
Was wondering if someone out there actually shared my view on the movie.

Anonymous said...

You people are pathetic. It's clear that most of you are just jealous that Zach has a life. Whereas you spend all of your available time spreading your hate for him.

Don't like Zach Braff? DEAL WITH IT! He will continue to make movies and his legion of fans will always be strong.

On a side note, I'm only a fan because of Scrubs, which is amazing. Best sitcom ever.

Anonymous said...

I also googled "Zach Braff sucks" and found your blog post. I have to say, you hit the nail on the head. Like Zach, I thought I'd met my dream girlfriend...until she told me she liked Garden State.

y said...

garden state's slightly annoying lead female character, at times overdone quirkiness, and hyper self-awareness, (the kind that's often expressed in Tweets), makes it lacking, but far, far from terrible. those details don't compromise the amazingly settling feel of the movie. call that a cliche reaction - just the vapid kind that sets all the critics off - fine. but at least it's deeply honest and unbiasedly felt, contrasted with all the independent independents who have an agenda to purge the world of any insincere non-conformism and forced profundity. forgive everyone for having a positive emotional response to a movie that doesn't hide it's banality as well as another, consider that some truly enjoyed it, and maybe consider that it's not only an insipid teenager's assertion of depth. it's good.

Anonymous said...

eternal sunshine bland?
are u on megadose lithium?
garden state is tragically weak
scrubs is downright weak
zack braff is weak
and most people are mind controlled automatons
hence weak shit gets the coin
bcoz the money men likes the more money!
comprendez
?

Anonymous said...

you are clearly a weakling
go write another screenplay
zack

Anonymous said...

yeah right zack

Anonymous said...

This is very sad that people are so mean...these comments are just out of pure jealousy I swear. I love Zach Braff, he's just so cute and funny. How could you not like him besides being jealous that he's successful and you are not? I feel bad for y'all.

A. Torres said...

Ive never seen scrubs. But Garden State is without a doubt alon with transfores 3 and charlies angels 2 as the worst movies ever made.

Anonymous said...

Just because you didn't like Scrubs doesn't mean it sucks. It was on the air for so long for a reason. That being said, I'm sure you'll agree with me when I say Braff isn't at all talented enough to be a part of anything better than Scrubs. Plus, he does seem to think he's extremely talented, but if he was as great as he thinks he is he would be given a lot more opportunities. Garden State wasn't bad, for a boring movie that is. Atleast Sheldon Cooper was in it!!

Anonymous said...

I haven't, nor do I intend to watch Garden State. But as far as Scrubs goes, yes, it does suck. So does this Braff moron. The reason it was on so long is because so many Americans are morons. Look at the picture of this joker on Wikipedia, https://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/2/2e/Zach_Braff_2011_Shankbone.JPG have you ever wanted to smack someone so bad just from a picture? Also, like others, I came across this page by searching for "Zack Braff sucks" because I never thought someone would be dumb enough to spell Zack with an h either.

Anonymous said...

Wow, you are delusional