Charge of the Light Bri-Gayed

Here's a Reuters story about recently declassified Pentagon documents. It's full of interesting ideas that floated around our actual military about non-lethal chemical warfare.

What is non-lethal chemical warfare, you may rightly ask? Oh, you know, reasonable suggestions like inventing a drug that makes enemy troops want to have gay sex with each other.

That sounds about right. Except that being gay is a choice, right? So, I guess it's a drug that makes you really really want to choose to be gay.

And I quote:

The idea of fostering homosexuality among the enemy figured in a declassified six-year, $7.5 million request from a laboratory at Wright Patterson Air Force Base in Ohio for funding of non-lethal chemical weapon research.

So, at least the government passed on that idea. Probably found it distasteful. I mean, if you're fighting an enemy that's busy having sex with one another, that kind of makes you a little bit gay, you know? And we're Americans! We can't have that!

Plus, we prefer our enemy combatants involved in man-on-man sex when we arrange them in those positions ourselves for photos as part of interrogation. If they're doing it to one another voluntarily, how are our troops going to let off steam?

There were some other great ideas thrown out there in these so-called "brainstorming sessions."

The Air Force Research Laboratory also suggested using chemicals that could be sprayed on enemy positions to attract stinging and biting bugs, rodents and larger animals. Another idea involved creating "severe and lasting halitosis" to help sniff out fighters trying to blend with civilians.

Love the halitosis idea. Imagine if we'd given that to all those al-Qaeda guys. No more taking off your shoes at airports. You'd just have to let the guards get a strong whiff of you. Plus, no Arabs can buy Altoids! No exceptions!

I'm having some fun with the Pentagon and all, but in all seriousness, these ideas are really dumb. You want non-lethal weapons? Invest those vomit sticks from Minority Report. That's such a freaking great idea I can't believe we don't have those yet. Remember that? In the movie, cops can just jab you with this stick, and you start throwing up everywhere, and then they easily arrest you. Gross, yes, but effective! Imagine if we had vomit guns in the Middle East! A lot less dead people, and it probably wouldn't even smell that much worse!