Alien vs. Predator

I knew it would be bad. You all know it's bad. It's directed by Paul W. S. Anderson, whose resume reads like a Hamas To-Do List.

I'll give you a second...

Yes, that's right. It's full of bombs. Well done. Now that you fully appreciate my wit, you can see a bland still from this bland movie.



Okay, so, there's aliens, there's predators, what could go wrong, right? Well, this is P.W.S. Anderson, folks. Most people agree that his best film to date is an adaptation of a video game that itself adapts old George Romero movies. He made Event Horizon, for fuck's sake. ANd Soldier. Let's not even discuss Mortal Kombat. Why would anyone turn over the reigns to not just one but two franchise characters to someone so clearly inept? It would be like hiring Stephen Hawking to install light fixtures. YOU ALREADY KNOW HE CAN'T DO IT BEFORE HE EVEN BEGINS.

The story doesn't matter because it's so dumb. A group of scientists are rounded up in a sequence strikingly similar to Jurassic Park, and find themselves exploring an underground pyramid of unknown origin beneath the surface of Antarctica. Once inside, they discover that the pyramid is a temple where young Predators train to kill by fighting armies of Alien enemies. The end.

Alien vs. Predator makes more mistakes at the conceptual stage than I have time to recount on this blog. I'll list a few of the most glaring tactical errors:

• The movie is rated PG-13. All of the other films featuring either the Alien or the Predator characters have been rated R. Every single one. The original Predator is a searingly violent movie about mercenaries fighting in a war, distracted from their own assignment to battle a warrior from outer space. It's blatantly obvious that the film mutes itself to avoid a more stern rating. Even so, it's still too violent and disturbing for young children anyway. And why would kids even care about this movie? It's based on two franchises far too old for them to even be familiar with. Hell, I was too young to see the original Predator in theaters upon its release.
• The movie creates unneccessary backstory, requiring too much exposition. I don't think any fans of this genre or either of these characters wanted Alien vs. Predator to explore a lot of new territory. Anderson spends far far far too much time creating a complex history uniting Aliens, Predators and Humans in series of synergistic working relationships. You want to see these two monsters kill a bunch of humans and kick one another's respective asses. But instead, we're treated to what feels like hours (even though the whole film comes out to an amateurish 87 minutes) of exposition, with characters describing strange historical rituals to us involving human sacrifice, pyramind training grounds miles beneath Antarctica and even the unification of all human cultures under the iron fist of a Predator government. But all this is in the movie. Seriously.
• The movie ignores each franchise's unique mythology and history. For the entire second half of the film to work, we must accept that a Predator would team up with a plucky human female if the circumstances required. Of course, this is ridiculous. Totally against the very concept of the Predator as ultimate outer space killing machine. He's not down for bonding and cracking wise...This isn't T2, people, it's go time, there's aliens around every corner. But beyond this, the movie alters so much of the story and conception of Aliens and Predators, the film begins to feel totally ancillary to both franchises. Instead of feeling like they've finally united two great series of action films, I feel like they've swirled them into a bland mush that doesn't resemble either of the original works.
• The movie assumes we'll side with humans because they are human. Though we end up having to spend an hour watching this group of scientists explore this temple, no effort whatsoever is expended on giving anyone a personality. They bumble through this adventure, shining flashlights on the floor and reciting expository dialogue designed only to advance the plot. Ewan Bremner, known to the world as Spud from Trainspotting, obviously has a lot of personality and screen presence, and he's given not a thing in the world to do. He walks around, bugs his eyes out once or twice, and then he's gone. Why even hire actors at all? Why not just sic a couple special effects on some mannequins and call it a day?

I could go on, but I won't. You all know this movie sucks. So, even out of curiosity, don't bother renting it. Not worth your time in any way, shape or form. It makes Freddy vs. Jason look like The People vs. Larry Flynt.