I Know Why The Caged Turd Sings

Okay, we have to talk about this Paris Hilton thing. Or rather, we don't have to talk about Paris Hilton, but I am going to.

I put Vladimir Putin on the front page of Mahalo just now because he's involved in an ongoing news story that is far more important than a reckless moron with a few million dollars to throw around. But I know what the people really want to hear about...Paris has held strong as the #2 most popular page for this entire week.

And who could resist the giddy thrill of seeing an image like this?



Still, I have my reservations...

It's not like I feel bad for Paris Hilton. She's a spoiled idiot whose very obnoxiousness stems from her core belief that the rules don't apply to her. So what better way to teach her a lesson than to harshly apply the rules to her? I say, drive home the message...Excessively apply the rules to her. Apply rules to her that don't even exist yet. A fake mustache must be worn at all mealtimes. No going to the bathroom in anyone in any of the adjoining cells is chewing gum. You can watch TV, but only a single tape containing 5 "Maude" reruns, the last of which cuts off halfway through.

I won't deny a bit of satisfaction at seeing a rich white person actually go to jail for doing something illegal instead of just weaseling out of it as they always seem to. Ken Lay actually had to die to escape justice.

But Paris herself is not really the problem. I mean, she is a problem, and she clearly, as this sheriff says, "has severe problems," but she doesn't deserve this fate any more than the millions of other spoiled, clueless American assholes who think and behave in exactly the same manner, but do so less publicly. Say what you will about Paris Hilton, but she's well aware of her own plastic superficiality. It's her brand - she loudly advertises her lifelong devotion to trend-chasing, mindless consumerism, drug addiction and apathy. Everyone else pretends to give a shit, and then does these same things anyway out of habit.

What I'm trying to say is that Paris Hilton sucks, but we suck even more for creating her in the first place. (Of course we invented Paris Hilton! No one person could will this kind of attention upon themselves. We have to agree to pay attention, and of course, we do! Whole websites have popped up for no other reason than providing up-to-the-second gossip about a handful of young, exceptionally boring individuals.)

Okay, having said all that, I think Paris having to go back to jail and finish out her sentence is a very good thing. Now, if it were up to me, I probably would have chosen to make her pay a fine or do some community service or some other kind of punishment that carries with it less spectacle. There's no need for the justice system of law enforcement to feed the monster that is the 24 Hour a Day Paris Hilton News Machine. Punish her, fine, but why turn it into a soap opera? And of course they must have known that's what would happen if they put America's Sweettart in fucking PRISON.

It may have been intended as one, but I don't think this is going to be a teaching moment for young Americans who might look up to Paris Hilton. (I know, I know, but it happens). The potential is there: someone who has flaunted our standards for public decency and decorum on several occasions, who frequently acts in blatant disregard of the law, will now have to own up to the consequences of her actions and face justice. "See, young Americans," the situation seems to say, "don't be like Paris Hilton. Everyone gets their comeuppance in the end."

And if she had been allowed to go free after less than two full days because she got all weepy and wanted her Mommy...well, then the whole notion of our justice system kind of loses all meaning. Once you permit people - under whatever circumstances - to opt out of jail, you open up the largest can of worms in the history of that dumb cliche. Plus, it really does send a horrible message. If you are white, and wealthy, and a decent enough actress to co-star in a House of Wax remake, you are potentially above the law. The government in this scenario takes the same laissez-faire policy towards fraud as Ferris Bueller's Parents. "Our little princess couldn't possibly be acting hysterical so we'll let her go!"

This whole thing doesn't really make any sense to me at all. I understand that we throw a lot of people in prison for stupid crimes as a way of keeping them off the streets and making everyone feel uncomfortable, so there isn't a lot of room. But surely a prison sentence actually still means something. When I went to Outdoor Ed. in elementary school and got really homesick and told them I wanted to go home, they made me wait a full day before calling my parents, and it could not have been less important for me to stay. All we actually did that week was go on night walks, eat ghastly "food" and learn idiotic sing-along lyrics.

Paris went to jail for committing a felony and managed to get out with a few tears and some well-timed hysterics.

Baca also said that he reassigned Hilton based on "her severe medical problems," and confirmed TMZ's original story that her condition was mental. Baca said that her "increasingly deteriorating problems" were evaluated and added, "This lady has some severe problems."

Baca added that she was medicated when she originally entered the jail system ... and "I can't trust her tenuous status," referring to her mental state. "She had a severe problem," said Baca, "I need more cooperation from the courts and from the city attorney's office."

For now, Baca says he will comply with the court order and keep her behind bars -- "If there's any further deterioration, hopefully we'll be able to address it."

Why no specifics? What did she actually do that was so horrible? I mean...aren't prisons equipped to deal with prisoners who don't want to be there? It's kind of their whole reason for existing. If prisoners weren't going to raise any fuss, we could keep them in Motel 6's. It'd be cheaper.

Seriously. Why not a psych ward? An infirmary? Solitary? It's a goddamn jail, man! Come up with something! First sign of a problem and you fucking let the prisoner go? Does Beecher know about this? It could have saved him a significant amount of pain and hardship.

UPDATE: Radar Magazine helps shed some light on this strange behavior of letting a convicted felon go home early for no good reason:

Did family money buy Paris Hilton a temporary get-out-of-jail card?

Sheriff Lee Baca, the Los Angeles law-enforcement official who ordered Hilton released from jail after serving only three days in her 45-day sentence, accepted a $1,000 campaign donation last year from William Barron Hilton—Paris's grandfather. That contribution constituted the maximum amount allowable under California campaign rules.

Now it all makes sense...