She Called Me a Hipster Doofus!

If you've ever used the word 'emo' as an adjective...you might be a hipster.
If your haircut obscures more than 85% of your face...you might be a hipster.
If you refer to the LA Weekly as "the paper"...you might be a hipster.
If you quote Pitchfork album reviews as part of casual conversation...you might be a hipster.

What is a "hipster"? The word gets thrown around all the time. I've used it myself. But it's one of those odd categories that doesn't seem to hold up to any kind of real scrutiny. Like "alternative" rock. People used it for a few months before realizing that it was a stupid, vague formulation that didn't actually mean anything.

The funny thing about "hipsters" is that no one professes to BE a hipster. Everyone claims to hate hipsters. It's always a category used to refer to other people, not one's self. And yet, "hipsters" always seem to be in the places that the people who hate and judge hipsters go - trendy rock shows, buzzy low-budget, foreign or revivial movie screenings, overpriced eateries.

For example, today I was talking about Marie Antoinette with a few friends and one of them offered the observation that it's not "like most hipster indie films." And I tried to think of what indie films, or any films, would be considered hipster-friendly. I came up with a few...

Fight Club strikes me as sort of the Rosetta Stone of modern hipster cinema. Takashi Miike movies would qualify. City of God. But, of course, I like all these movies, and I don't consider myself a hipster. No one considers me a hipster who isn't extremely misguided. There are dogs higher up the LA social ladder than me. (At least one...Paris Hilton's dog...) Suri Cruise already has way more friends in this town than I do. Let me just put it this way...The last time I attended an actual party was 2 wars ago.

One more?

"But seriously, folks, I'm lonely and unpopular. Even Mark Foley won't answer my e-mails. My car broke down and I showed up at Leatherface's house and he hid in the basement and pretended not to be home. I went to a plastic surgeon to see if he could help me and he prescribed physician-assisted suicide. I'm not well liked, I tells ya, not well liked."

Okay, glad I got that out of my system.

My point is, I'm not sure what we all mean when we say "hipster" and I'm going to make an attempt to find out. I'm just trying to determine what amount of hipster taste and behavior actually causes one to become a hipster. (Or in LA Weekly's parlance, a "scenester." Ugh.)

I think there are some key preconditions if one is to even be considered for hipstertude.

(1) Good-looking

This one is not entirely 100% hard and fast. Some groups of hipsters, I'd imagine, would want one extremely ugly or overweight person in their clique to prove their cred as being non-superficial and unconventional. "Yeah, I'm cute but I hang out with this ugly, fat person. So what? Don't judge me!"

Also, if there were hybrid goth/hipsters, I'm assuming that some of them would be not so attractive because, let's face it, even good-looking goths are still ugly on the inside.

(2) Not anti-intellectual

To me, this is the key hipster ingredient. Most Americans are fiercely anti-intellectual. I don't necessarily think most Americans have open animosity towards universities and scholars or anything (although many do), but I do think that there's a widespread resentment and mistrust of experts and those who excel at academic pursuits.

America's declining appreciation for learning and education has been continuing since before my lifetime, but things have deteriorated significantly in the past decade or so.

We can no longer be considered a nation of readers. The best-selling books are pretty much universally trash. When an actual quality book cracks the NYT best-seller list, it's a genuine event. Let me just make this perfectly clear...Among the most popular series of books for adult readers in this country concern the adventures of an adolescent wizard-in-training.

So this is where the "hipster" clashes with the American population at large. The hipster is considered to be well-read. He or she reads an esoteric and diverse collection of new and old writing on a regular basis, as well as a few of the more "of the moment" magazines. (Vice? Giant Robot?) Also there's art galleries, the aforementioned films and even poetry readings.

(3) A Non-Conforming Conformist (or a Conforming Non-Conformist)

I think the reason no one wants to self-identify as a hipster despite being a hipster is that we all understand the logic behind this critique. A hipster spends a good deal of time and energy trying to develop unique, defensible and idiosyncratic tastes. The whole point is to be unpredictable, to be the original fan that discovers something cool and new that everyone eventually likes. All hipsters chase that dream, of listening to a CD or seeing a film and knowing that this will be the NEXT BIG THING.

Of course, because everyone chases this same goal, everyone essentially becomes the same. Any awareness of the people around you directly leads to some pull towards conformity. It's inevitable. (Naturally, if one person like something a lot, it stands to reason that others will discover it and like it as well. We're not all so different.)

So beyond these three essential traits, I guess the rest of what fits into the definition of "hipster" depends on the individual using the word.

If you'd like to determine whether or not you might quality as a hipster, I've prepared a brief quiz:

1. Who's the hottest Hollywood starlet?

(a) Lindsay Lohan
(b) Scarlett Johansson
(c) Natalie Portman
(d) Zooey Deschanel

2. What do you think of Madonna adopting a baby from Malawi?

(a) It's great that she's helping out The Black! Plus her last album ruled!
(b) She's insane. But "Holiday" is a pretty solid song.
(c) Madonna totally ruined the otherwise-masterful Dick Tracy
(d) Oh, did she do that? I don't pay attention to that stuff.

3. What's your favorite band?

(a) Panic at the Disco! No, wait, Fall Out Boy! Oh, I can't decide!
(b) Radiohead
(c) Rush
(d) I'm still digesting the new Joanna Newsom. I'll let you know how I feel in a few weeks.

4. Who's your favorite post-structuralist philosopher?

(a) You mean that old Greek guy? Pluto?
(b) Roland Barthes, FTW
(c) Jean Baudrillard, because he wrote about Disneyland
(d) I've grown so tired of Derrida...Let us never speak of him again...

5. What's the naughtiest place you've ever had sex?

(a) Moonlite Bunny Ranch
(b) On the beach
(c) In line for Star Wars: Episode I: The Phantom Menace
(d) Will Oldham's barn

If you answered (a) for more than two questions, you're a typical American, which means you're a dumbass. Stop reading my blog because your obnoxious, sneering anonymous comments get on my nerves.

If you answered (b) for more than two questions, you're a relatively unadventurous person of mainstream taste.

If you answered (c) for more than two questions, you're a fanboy. Guess what? Joss Whedon sucks.

If you answered (d) for more than two questions...I think you might be a hipster.

If your answers were really all over the map, then perhaps you truly are the Holy Grail of all non-conformists...an actual free-thinker. Unfortunately, if you really were that cool, you probably still wouldn't be reading this because you'd have something far more interesting and unconventional to do than checking out blogs.