The Top 101 Screenplays in English, Except for "Grand Illusion" and "8 1/2"

That's the first thing I don't get about the Writers Guild of America's list of the Top 101 Screenplays. Do they simply mean American screenplays? Then why do they include Jean Renoir's Le Grand Illusion at #85 and Fellini's 8 1/2 at 87? Grand Illusion is partially in English, sure, along with German and French. But it's clearly a French movie. Just look at that title. Don't have a lot of American film titles starting with Le unless it's followed up with gally Blonde.

If foreign films are eligible, this list is an embarrassment in the extreme, because it's almost entirely made up of American films except the rogue British title (like Third Man), 8 1/2 and Grand Illusion. I'm assuming the WGA meant English-language titles only, and made an exception for the Renoir film because some of the characters speak English, and then some stupid intern snuck the Fellini movie on there, not knowing any better.

Because any other explanation makes no sense. I'd string off a list of worthy international movies for such a list, but it would be unfathomably long.

The other thing I don't get about the list is why it sucks so much ass. The Writers Guild is full of professional movie writers, correct? Don't they watch movies before writing them? Where else do they find old ideas to steal repurpose?

Anyway, the full list can be found on the WGAw page here. It's not so mcuh that the list is total tripe. There are a whole lot of good, deserving movies on there. I dislike the thing more because it's so predictable and safe. I mean...yes...Wizard of Oz is a great movie. But when I think about what made it great, I think of the songs and the performances and the dazzling Technicolor. I don't really think of the classic writing neccessarily. Not that it's a poorly-written film by any means but...I mean...Come on. The 25th best-written film ever?

Here are the movies on the list I would remove entirely:

Tootsie: A funny movie with a great lead performance by Dustin Hoffman. Absolutely not among the best-written films ever. Did Larry Gelbart's mom get, like, 200 votes or something? Please, people. With Some Like it Hot at #9 and this at #17, I'm starting to think some people at the WGA just like seeing men dress as ladies.

To Kill a Mockingbird and Gone With the Wind: Zzzzzz....snort....zzzzzz.....Oh, we were talking about movies? Right. "Hey, Gone With the Wind, what are you doing here? You're really sappy and overlong and occasionally really pointless. And besides, all your memorable dialogue is taken directly out of a best-selling novel anyway! That goes double for you, To Kill a Mockingbird. Why don't you two go play in an endless look on Turner Classic Movies. I'd like to talk about some actually interesting movies that maybe everyone hasn't seen 100,000 times already."

Shakespeare in Love: That pop you just heard was a blood vessel in my frontol lobe exploding from trying to process the sheer stupidity of putting this lightly amusing comedy at #28. I've got to head on over to the ER, so why don't you folks take a moment to consider that this trifle (which also, I might add, features some heavy cross-dressing) thus outranks Sullivan's Travels, His Girl Friday, The Third Man, The Sweet Smell of Success, The Sting, Goodfellas, The Maltese Falcon, The Bridge on the River Kwai, Crimes and Misdemeanors, Raging Bull and Being There. Yeah...let that sink in...

American Beauty: Hey, I like American Beauty, but the fact is that it loses a lot of its luster on repeat viewings. Part of what gives Alan Ball's writing its zing is the thrill of the new - he writes unique, idiosyncratic characters who see the world in interesting ways. But when you really start to think about the film, it starts to seem affected, heightened and precious. (That's what makes stuff like the bag flying in the wind video so ripe for parody). Anyway, it's a good film and a good script. But #38, above Goodfellas and Cuckoo's Nest and The Lady Eve is ludicrous.

Jerry Maguire: Fuck you, Writers Guild. Even though I hope to join you some day soon, I totally hate you right now. Jerry Maguire is a bunch of lame sitcom one-liners and adorable kid jokes and catch phrases posing as a real movie for adults. We're supposed to think JM has depth because he sings Tom Petty to himself in the car, but really he's a place-holder - the well meaning but confused guy - just like all the other stock characters. (Hey, look everyone, it's Shy and Mousy but Deeply Passionate Girl, Outrageous Football-Tossing Black and Cutthroat Ball-Busting Businesswoman! The whole gang's here!) Still think Jerry Maguire is a force for good in the world? Six words for you, pal: Academy Award Winner Cuba Gooding Jr.

Memento: Now, I like this movie, and I don't want to knock it. But essentially, it's all based around a gimmick, and once you really figure out that gimmick the movie's not really a classic any more. It's clever, and I think Christopher Nolan's a pretty major talent, but this list has almost no great film noir classics, which remain to this day some of the best-written mvoies of all time, so I just don't think there's really room for a solid 90's indie thriller.

Here are some movies to take their place that were left off (not including foreign-language films, to give them the benefit of the doubt):

The Untouchables: David Mamet's script for this movie includes not only an insane amount of memorable dialgoue, but also provides a blueprint for one of the most organic action films imaginable. The big set pieces, the memorable sequences like the trian station shootout, build slowly and always subvert your expectations. Plus, Al Capone makes one hell of a cool, hatable villain.

Out of the Past: The script's credited to Daniel Mainwaring, and it's based on his novel, but it's the retouch by pulp-meister James M. Cain that really gives the dialogue in Out of the Past its zing. Nothing less than one of the most fluid, graceful mysteries ever written, and the script provided for some of the best work in either Robert Mitchum's or Kirk Douglas' career (that I've seen, anyway).

Blade Runner: I'm genuinely surprised this film was left off the list. It's usually included in generic "Best Films" lists, and one of the most striking and impressive aspects of the movie is its successful interpretation of a Phillip K. Dick headscratcher. Usually, when writers take on Dick for the big screen, they turn his thoughtful science-fiction into mindless chase movies. (I include Total Recall in this category, even though I love every moment of it). But Hampton Fancher and David Peoples manage to keep some of the writer's eccentric genius and heady philosophy intact while still giving Ridley Scott enough incident and atmosphere to make the finished film entertaining.

Dirty Harry: Ridiculous. Redefined the cop movie, gave the word "do I feel lucky," created one of the single most iconic characters in cinema history, but these bozos find Field of Dreams more worthy of praise.

I'll be thinking of more missing titles and muttering angrily to myself all night, most likely. But there's no need to bring you peopel down to my level. You get the gist of it.