Some Oscar Night Top Ten Lists

Top Ten Things Overheard in the ABC Control Room During the Academy Awards

10. I need more reaction shots from Jamie Foxx! Get me more Jamie Foxx reaction shots!
9. Odd that Dolly Parton would opt to actually have a facial peel in the middle of her Best Original Song performance.
8. What's that on Charlize's shoulder? Some kind of growth?
7. We should have a more animated, lively host next year. Like the corpses of Bob Hope and Johnny Carson.
6. Wait, Felicity Huffman's not a man?
5. No, running the Spartacus DVD on double-speed doesn't count as a montage.
4. Holy shit! Someone just drove a flaming car on stage...Actually, you know what? Let's run with it.
3. We're low on gay jokes. Get Vilanch in here!
2. Wait, Hilary Swank's not a man?
1. Paul Haggis is a Scientologist

I know that last one's not funny...But you all should just know that information.

Top Ten Films More Deserving of This Year's Best Picture Oscar Than Crash

10. My Date With Drew
9. Batman fan film Dead End
8. Daredevil: Extended-Edition Director's Cut
7. That shot-by-shot remake of Raiders of the Lost Ark that those kids put together
6. 50 Cent: Get Rich or Die Tryin'
5. The Game: Stop Snitchin', Stop Lyin'
4. 8 MM 2
3. R. Kelly's Trapped in the Closet
2. "Lazy Sunday"
1. David Cronenberg's Crash, awarded retroactively

Top Ten Comments Made by al-Qaida Members While Watching the International Broadcast of the Academy Awards in a Cave Near the Pakistani Border

10. How come when we criticize America, they try to kill us, but when Paul Haggis does it, he gets an award?
9. If this glamorous award show doesn't come off as planned, then we will truly have won.
8. I hope they give it to Reese! She's just as cute as a button.
7. Hey, guys...How come we aren't trying to bomb the shit out of them right now? All the famous, good-looking ones are gathered in one spot!
6. What the fuck happened to Dolly Parton's face? Did we do that?
5. I don't get it. How is Sound Editing different from Sound Mixing?
4. All of these Hollywood liberals and their anti-war, anti-Bush rhetoric have emboldened me!
3. I told you guys we should have called ourselves the Three 6 Mafia. Well, it's too late now!
2. Wait, Hilary Swank's not a man?
1. Any of you guys see Munich? Yeah, me neither.