Jon Stewart's in Serious Trouble

8:24

Okay, so I had to take off from work and go home, and once I got here, I had basically missed a good deal of the end of the show. Then, my Internet connection didn't work because my roommate's router went out, so we had to reconnect and wait around until I could get back on line.

And then I get back and discover that Crash has just won Best Picture. You've got to be fucking shitting me. I mean, Original Screenplay...I saw that one coming. But Best Picture? Have you all lost your minds? You have now awarded this guy Haggis and his unique brand of painful, self-important horseshit the Best Picture award two years in a row.

Seriously, this is the worst back-to-back run of awarding in Oscar history, and Crash is...the single worse film...to ever win Best Picture. Mark my words. I'm ashamed to have watched the whole show. Sickened. And then they get up there and give this awful speech, calling this a "maverick" year in cinema and pretending to be these crazy, outspoken radicals.

Tell me...what subversive, maverick message was espoused by Crash? Please feel free to actually state, in plain English, what was maverick about Crash in the comments below, if you're a fan. This I've got to hear. That racism is weewy weewy bad? That people being mean to one another make baby Paul Haggis cry? Grow up, people.

Also, Memoirs of a Geisha won for Cinematography, which was a big surprise, and Reese Witherspoon won Best Actress, which was not at all a surprise.

Worst Oscars ever.

7:46

Way to go, Phillip Seymour Hoffman, winner of tonight's Best Actor award. "Capote" wasn't really one of my favorite films this year, but it was a good movie and he gave a great performance. It's really a career achievement award for a guy who has been pretty much the most consistant, most entertaining to watch character actor of the last decade.

7:41

"Crash" has won its first award of the night, for Best Editing. It was somewhat inevitable, and yet I'm still disappointed that, forever now, we'll hear about "Paul Haggis' Oscar-winning 'Crash'". Dang.

7:30

Why did Richard Pryor have to die? That sucks.

7:26

A guy just came into the store...A regular customer. British guy. He said he wasn't watching the Oscars this year because of all the glaring omissions. In particular, he was upset to see "Match Point" nominated for Original Screenplay. Actual quote:

"Speaking as an Englishman, that was a very offensive movie."

Offensive? Wanted to ask him if he meant it was actually offensive, like, to his nationality. Like if he meant it makes all Englishmen look like murdering dandies. Or if he just found it generally, aesthetically displeasing. Like, "offensive to the senses." But in that case, why add that it's particularly insensitive to an English person. Like, they have more elevated taste than we do, and thus would be more irritated by a poorly-conceived film set in their homeland? Nope, I'm sorry...I don't get it.

And I'd ask him, but I don't want to actually run the risk of getting into an extended, dumb conversation. Better to just let the silly comment pass and get back to the show.

7:20

If you're going to perform a song called "It's Hard Out Here for a Pimp" on the Oscars, you might as well just sing the word "bitches." Because the line "a whole lot of WITCHES jumping ship" in a song about pimping doesn't actually make any sense. Now, I understand that you want to make it appropriate for the whole family...BUT THE ENTIRE SONG IS ABOUT BEING A PIMP, YOU IDIOTS!

Congrats, though, on the big win. First hip hop song ever nominated for an Oscar, and the first win! Pretty cool stuff...The Three 6 Mafia are now Oscar-winners, and they managed to get bleeped AND give it up to George Clooney. And, did anyone else notice, they were the first winner of the night to thank Jesus? Take that, Christian Oscars!

7:07

No clips from "California Split" in the Altman montage...What the hell! One of my favorites of his films.

7:03

What Robert Altman movie featured Meryl Streep? I can't come up with it now, but she must have been in SOMETHING, because why else would they have her out there to honor him? Anyway, Altman...truly a guy worthy of an honorary award. One of the great modern directors.

6:51

Glad the "Brokeback" score won. Along with the unnominated "Batman Begins," probably my favorite original score of the year. Just can't shake the feeling that the show's particularly boring this year. I mean, it's always kind of boring. But this year just feels particularly like a slog.

Even the montages of clips from old films are kind of rote and pointless. And having all the presenters hype up "seeing movies on the big screen," as if Jake Gyllenhaal is going to convince people that shelling out $15 to see a movie is the way to go instead of downloading it free to your iPod.

Don't get me wrong...I like theatrical screenings of films as much as anyone. I personally prefer to see a big movie in a theater. But if you're not te kind of person who feels that way, an Oscar montage of big moments from all the expected EPIC-SIZED films isn't going to change your mind.

And "Around the World in 80 Days"? That movie's boring and lame no matter what format you watch it in. "Pearl Harbor"? "Apollo 13"? Pick some better examples of widescreen composition, would you please?

6:45

Who knew there was so much love for "Memoirs of a Geisha." We have one guy who comes in the store all the time who's always raving about how it was the BEST movie he saw this year, and how AMAZING it was on a technical level. But I just ignored him because he's a huge idiot. He may be on to something, though...

Ironically, with "Geisha" already taking two Oscars, it will probably overall do better tonight than Spielberg's "Munich." Steve was going to make "Geisha" years ago, but then dropped the project and chose to produce, focusing on other films instead.

6:25

More wacky teleprompter hijinks. J. Lo seems to have had trouble getting out her introduction. And, while we're on the subject, why is she there? Didn't she have to shoot an episode of TRL or something important today? Barely even in movies any more (and with good cause!)

And let me just say, even putting aside my feelings about the actual film, that interpretive dance/sketch/Burning Man recreation in honor of the "Crash" Original Song nominee "In the Deep" was just retarded. How exactly do minorities walking through smoke symbolize the film "Crash"? Hey, it has minorities! There is occasional smoke!

I thought we were done with the Interpretive Dance-based Oscar performances. Never a good idea.

6:11

Either Lauren Bacall can't read or the teleprompter guy was asleep at the switch. That was pretty embarrassing...I thought she was just going to give up about halfway through, but to her credit, she just kept plugging away. I think all the clips in this Film Noir montage are from movies the editors rented here at Laser Blazer...Dug the inclusion of Richard Widmark pushing the old lady down the stairs. Nice touch.

5:50

Did Colleen Atwood just thank "The people of Japan" for having geisha, so she could later win an award for designing their costumes? That's kind of a weird acknowledgement, right?

Also, it seems odd to have the characters from "Chicken Little" to present awards when it's not even nominated for animated film. I'm generally irritated by the character, only because he's voiced by Zach Braff. I hate that guy even in CG animated chicken form.

5:25

Just checking in from work here...I'll make a few live-blogging style posts tonight, I guess, as long as I have a chance.

First things first, Jon Stewart...yikes. What happened? Why didn't he write his own monologue, instead of turning it over to some intern throwing together Leno-style "ripped from the headlines" groaners.

Seriously, for those of you not watching, here's a sample J. Stewart line...

"Millions of people from over 50 countries are watching the Oscars tonight. And 25% of them are currently in the process of being adopted by Angelina Jolie." Ugh.

Also, George Clooney wins Best Supporting Actor for "Syriana," meaning (as he indicated on stage) that he won't win anything else for "Good Night and Good Luck." Too bad...it's better than most of the award-bound films tonight. Thankfully, "Crash" remains awardless thus far. I like Matt Dillon, but fuck that film.

Finally, why didn't anyone tell me Dolly Parton had fallen in a vat full of sulfuric acid? That's the kind of thing I'd like to hear about when it happens. Will she be playing Two-Face in the next "Batman" film? Cause that would be dynamite.