If You've Got a Fish On Your Car and You Don't Clean Aquariums for a Living...You Might be a Fundie Idiot

Before I read this post by Amanda at Pandagon, I assumed the wacky religious nutjobs had 2 major concerns about the content of American school textbooks:

(1) They want only abstinance taught in Health Classes, as opposed to any practical sex education.

(2) They want Creationism presented as a reasonable alternative to Evolution, even though it posits that an invisible bearded man fashioned the world out of clay.

Now, regrettably, I see that there are many, many planks to the Radical Christian Campaign Agin' Fancy Book Learnin'. It's actually a rather insidious attempt to indoctrinate new members into the Vast Evangelical Circle-Jerk that now passes for an American Culture, to brainwash children from an early age.

Here's my question...If you know that, in order to sustain your beliefs through the next generation, that you have to manipulate the information you give children...Isn't that basically like admitting to yourself that you believe a bunch of unprovable nonsense?

For example, what if you were to say "Children should be taught that only those raised in a stable, two-parent household can grow up to be normal, healthy, complete and successful people." Everyone knows that this isn't the case...That, despite the disadvantages of not having a spouse around, sometimes single parents do a marvelous job and raise brilliant, amazing young people. So, if you feel that you have to lie to kids in order to get them to agree with you...well, what's the point? Why bother filling the next generation's head with lies? Just for your own personal comfort, so you'll know that, after your dead, everyone will still go on hating Teh Gheys?

Anyway, Amanda links to this site and...I mean...wow. I had no idea this kind of ludicrocity was out there. This couple, Mel and Norma Gabler, have been fighting for 45 years to change the way Texas textbooks teach children. And if any of you are in the field of education, you'll know that because of Texas' size and population, and according importance to the publishing industry, the standards used for Texas textbooks are often applied nation-wide. (Mel died last year at the age of 90, but Norma keeps his spirit alive by continuing to spread a message of intolerance and sexual repression to children everywhere!)

Among their great successes are forcing Texas schools to include a definition of marriage as exclusively "between a man and a woman." Because, you know, Texans weren't quite hateful enough towards gay people in the Gabler's estimation. They looked around and saw occasional homophobia and subtle discrimination and said...I think Texas can do better!

So, yeah, evil old hateful assholes. Texas has 10 million of them. Blah blah blah.

What's interesting to me is how far they want the State textbooks to go in advancing their bizarre, ultra-right wing social agenda. This is not some "add in a sentence against gay people and we'll be quiet." They want to completely brainwash the youth of America, using state-sponsored education as a way to drill into the brains of children ideas both factually inaccurate and downright anti-American. It's disgusting.

Let's take a look at the Gabler's suggested High School World History curriculum. It doesn't so much suggest specific items for study (probably because no one involved with the Gabler's "Education Resource Analysts" company knows what would comprise a high school World History class syllabus) as suggest ways to make History Class more racist.

This is the sum total of their suggestions for World History textbooks.

Prevent stereotypes of whites-as-oppressors and people-of-color-as-victims from slanting discussions of Western imperialism by noting that:

• Some sub-Saharan African peoples practiced human sacrifice (e.g., Ashanti, Dahomey). The Aztecs and some other New World Indians engaged in cannibalism as well as human sacrifice.
• In the Columbian exchange, infection was a two-way street. A very lethal strain of syphilis, probably from America, killed many Europeans in the early 1500s.
• Only the Christian West realized slavery was wrong and took the lead in abolishing it.
  Manchu China was as culturally arrogant as the West. Chinese emperors viewed all foreign traders as barbarian bearers of tribute to whom they wished only to sell, not to buy, demanding payment in silver.
• The West demanded “extraterritoriality” because Chinese justice assumed guilt until proven innocent, used torture to extract confessions, and held whole groups responsible for acts of single members.
• British rule brought peace and a common language (English) to deeply divided India, ended or opposed suttee, infanticide, and child marriage there, improved Indian health, education, and transportation systems, and merely added another caste to the existing system.

Grossed out yet? You should be. In fact, if reading those bullet points doesn't make you physically ill, You Might Be a Fundie Idiot.

If you're in a World History class, and you start to view white people as cruel oppressors and people of color as victims, it doesn't mean your a Politically Correct stereotyper. It means you can fucking read. If a 16 year old handed in his final essay, and the only text in the paper read "White Europeans went all over the world and fucked everything up for everyone forever," he should get, bare minimum, a B.

That's not stereotyping. That's not reverse-racism. That's "history." Your class is named that for a reason. If you want, instead, to focus on White People as the savoirs of the dirty, uncivilized foreigners, there's already a class for that. We call it "creative writing."

Also, this paragraph is too hilarious for words:

The West demanded “extraterritoriality” because Chinese justice assumed guilt until proven innocent, used torture to extract confessions, and held whole groups responsible for acts of single members.

I mean, can you imagine? Judging an individual based on the acts of others of his same race? Arresting people and detaining them without charges or the promise of a fair trial? Using torture to extract confessions and obtain information? WHEN WILL THESE CRAZY ASIANS LEARN?

Okay, okay, one more...Here are the Gabler Guidelines for high school American Literature courses.

Story content should present:

• A universe that rewards virtue and punishes vice, where good and evil are not moral equivalents, and where problems have solutions
• Behavioral role models that demonstrate civility, sensitivity, humaneness, and non-destructiveness
• Generally positive attitudes toward, and relations among, children, parents, and others
• Sensitive treatment of benefits to children of strong, stable, two-parent families
• Equal stress on Europe’s literary, religious, and cultural heritage compared to other regions
• Equal criticism of white and non-white cultures, and of Christian and non-Christian civilizations
• As much note of intra-group conflict as of inter-group strife
• Proportional representative selections from pre-1900 eras and genres, for a sense of literary history
• Diverse views on current controversial issues, when raised (e.g., "global warming," feminism, naturalistic origins myths like evolution)
• Standard spelling, correct grammar, and grade-level appropriate English vocabulary
• No sensational violence, offensive language or illustrations, occultism, or deviant lifestyles (e.g., homosexuality)
• No pattern of pejoratives stigmatizing one group and superlatives idealizing another
• No politically-correct stereotypes of oppressors and/or victims by race, class, or gender

These are some crazy, deviant people. I mean, who is supposed to be judging this stuff? "Pattern of pejoratives stigmatizing one group and superlatives idealizing another"? You mean...any two groups? What if you're reading The Diary of Anne Frank?

"No sensational violence"? Well, in Where the Red Fern Grows, a beloved novel read by several generations, at this point, of young Americans, includes a scene where a boy falls on an axe and bleeds to death. I read that book as a young adult, and that scene had an impact on me (obviously, as I still remember it today). But I'd say it was a positive impact. Because, you know, random violent things do happen.

Also, occultism is a very odd word to insert there. I'm guessing it means no Harry Potter, because the wacko Christians hate Harry Potter, because they think it teaches kids about black magic and witchcraft. Seriously! If you've ever seen that documentary, Hell House, there's a hilarious scene where a teacher tries to explain to an assistant why Harry Potter and Magic: The Gathering are evil. He has to keep rewording his argument because you sense even this incredibly stupid man has started to realize how silly he sounds. It's awesome.

But, aside from attempts like this to (no pun intended) whitewash American history and clean up literature being generally disgusting and inappropriate, they're also going to be wholly ineffective. Because this view of the world is just false. It's based on lies, and kids are going to realize that, so they're just going to stop listening to anything anyone at school tells them. If that's what you want, go ahead...keep bullshitting kids.

Oh, and before I give up on this sorry subject, here's a few more of the titular Jeff Foxworthy-inspired "Fundie Idiot" jokes...

If you've ever quoted Jerry Falwell in the course of everyday conversation...you might be a Fundie Idiot

If you refer to viewing "The 700 Club" as "watching my stories"...you might be a Fundie Idiot

If you spent more last year on "WWJD"-themed merchandise than you did on car insurance...you might be a Fundie Idiot

If a Jars of Clay CD found its way on to the stereo at the last party you hosted...you might be a Fundie Idiot

If you reject the Left Behind books as too soft on the non-believers...you might be a Fundie Idiot

If your first thought upon reading this post was, "I bet he's one of them hook-nosed Christ Killers"...you might be a Fundie Idiot

If your house contains more than 3 pictures of Jesus that weren't painted during the Renaissance...you might be a Fundie Idiot

If you consider Mel Gibson and Scott Stapp to be the Leading Voices of their Generation...you might be a Fundie Idiot