Special Guest Blogger: Arnold Schwarzenegger

[For those of you from out of state, California Governor Ahnold initiated a bullshit special election to pass through some of his more aggressive policies. The strategy backfired, as California voters, fed up with Arnold's failure to keep any of his electoral promises and his terrorizing of labor unions and other so-called "special interests," failed to pass a single one of his proposals.

The Governator requested that I provide him some blog space to explain how he intends to move forward from this point. Why didn't he want to use some other venue, like national television? I don't know. If he wanted to use the Internet, and even a blog, why not go to a resoundingly popular one like AndrewSullivan.com or Atrios? I'm not sure. It does strike me as kind of a bad call. But then again, he's clearly not the best strategizer.]



The people of Caleefurneea have spoken, and they have declared that they don't like me very much. This is surprising, because I have been very popular in Keelifurnya for many years, dating back to when I made them all a shitload of money by taking off my shirt and shooting at kidnappers and invisible aliens and Sarah Conner. I haven't felt this rejected by my public since I saw the first-weekend Box Office take for Jingle All the Way.

Here is what I said to the press earlier today:

Asked if there was anything he would do differently, Schwarzenegger said, "If I was to make another Terminator movie, I would tell Terminator to travel back in time to tell Arnold not to have another special election."

And right after I made this statement, I realized something...The voters of Chellefernia only seem to like me when I remind them of all the great movies I have starred in over the years. So, from this point forward, i want to make a promise to all of the citizens of this great state:

I will only advance policies based on my old films.

Here are some of the planks in my new platform:

- We must immediately institute a new TV game show in which Callllleeeeeeeephornians who have committed crimes are placed inside an elaborate death trap. Then, I will come out wearing a colorful suit covered in spikes, and try to kill them. (The advertising proceeds can go to midnight basketball games for inner city kids!)

- All kindergarten teachers must be proficient with a shotgun and familiar with advanced interrogation techniques, including the extraordinarily useful "Who Is Your Daddy And What Does He Do" protocol.

- We must set up an investigative committee to look into the advanced research being done by Cyberdyne Systems. I don't trust those guys.

- If a man, through advanced scientific techniques, somehow gets pregnant with Emma Thompson's baby, he cannot get an abortion after the first trimester.

- Track down all living members of the Crimson Jihad and smoke them out of their holes.

- Universal "face exploding due to the intense atmospheric pressure on the Planet Mars" insurance

- Issue a public apology, on behalf of myself, Joel Schumacher, DC Comics and the entire Warner Brothers development team for Batman and Robin

There will be many more proposals to come, but I think my new message is clear. Love me not because I am a competant leader or politician, but because I have starred in several fun movies, many of them featuring elaborate special effects.