7 Things I Hate About You

(With "you" in this sentence meaning you, dear reader, only if you happen to be Jennifer Aniston.)

Special thanks to Atrios, king of the lefty blogosphere now that that Greek guy has imploded, for pointing out this delightful (by which I mean hilariously nonsensical) Newsweek interview with Jennifer Aniston.

In it, she describes the 7 things she'd prefer to talk about than her recent divorce from Brad "You're Not Your Fucking Khakis" Pitt and copulation with Vince "That's So Money, Baby" Vaughn. She clearly doesn't understand that hooking up with movie stars is what makes her interesting in the first place. I mean, you know, now that people are over her amazing goddamn haircut.

So here are, in order I presume, things Jen finds more interesting than her various sexual and romantic escapades.

1. My new movie, "Derailed."

It's a really sexy psychological thriller with Clive Owen. I had never done a thriller before. It was hard to kiss Clive, but you know what? Somebody had to do it, and that's what they pay me for.

Right away, the lunacy begins. This article is titled "Things I'd Rather Talk About Than The Men in My Life." And the very first item she'd rather talk about...is getting it on with a sexy famous guy. Jen, have a seat, let me explain something to you...

See, the thing is, you're intensely shallow. It's okay. Lots of people in Los Angeles are this way. But you've got to stop pretending that you're not intensely shallow. Please. Whenever you're around a famous guy, you go a big wet one. I'm cool with it, I just wish you were cool with it, too.

And, by the way, whenever the actors in a movie describe the movie as "really sexy," that means it's not sexy. If a movie is actually sexy, the actors involved describe the experience as "really degrading."

2. My dog, Norman.

I got him from the animal trainers on "Friends"—the ones who worked with the chick, the duck and the monkey. He was an actor dog, but he was so lazy that he had a terrible reputation. He wouldn't hit his mark. He just sat there. They said they sent his doggie head shot out and he wasn't getting any calls.

Your dog's name is Norman? What kind of lame, boring dog name is Norman? Does he work in the Doggie Accounts Payable Department or something? Today, my co-worker Ray was openly considering the possibility of naming his first-born son Qui-Gonn, and even that seems more reasonable than naming a cute little dog "Norman."

3. How little I actually cry.

I'm pegged as a crier, aren't I? I was upset about the Vanity Fair article. I had one moment when I got emotional because I hadn't sat down with an interviewer since this whole debacle took place. It happened for a second and then it was over. But I do cry when I watch shows about babies being born. And I can turn on Terms of Endearment at any point and start crying—or The Champ with Rick Schroder.

"When I watch shows about babies being born"? What shows are these, exactly? Does she mean, like, episodes of sitcoms in which babies are born? Or whole TV shows about the birthing process. Because I saw one of those "shows" in high school health class, and it certainly brought out strong emotions, but it was more like intense nausea than sadness.

4. The long-term effects of Botox.

It seems like people are messing around with dangerous stuff. Look at some of the faces out there! Men age gracefully, although you're seeing more men having plastic surgery, which is weird. Nothing is worse than a guy with an eye job—and don't think we can't tell.

I really must invite Jen over next time I have a dinner party. She sounds like a truly fascinating conversationalist with a lot of insightful opinions about the key issues of the day. I'm sorry, but I've now run out of sarcasm. I'll post another quote from her interview to give myself a chance to reload.

5. The state of television.

Where are all the sitcoms? Why are we so obsessed with reality TV? We don't know how to write and create good shows. I wonder if reality TV is adding to the obsession with the rag magazines that create all those soap operas with celebrities. So-and-so is scratching so-and-so's eyes out—and, oh, my God, they may meet! It's so pathetic.

Oh, man, is there anything more obnoxious than pampered celebrities railing on and on about the tabloids? Seriously, I know you guys hate the tabloids. They invade your privacy, it's embarrassing, I get it...But you've really got to stop bringing it up constantly. We're all sick to death of hearing about it from you all the time. And that beating up on papparazzi thing that Sean Penn and Clooney do to feel like big men? That makes you guys come off like little whiny bitches, okay? Just deal with it. You're rich and famous, for fuck's sake, things could be worse. If you really can't stand it any more, make a movie with Mark Steven Johnson. Things will probably take cvare of themselves from there on in.

Plus, the ex-star of a lame sitcom going off about how there should be more sitcoms and less reality shows...Guess what, Jen, I've seen a bunch of episodes of "Friends," and you guys aren't 1/100,000 as amusing as P. Diddy ridiculing a room full of exhausted, malnourished girls wearing nothing but spandex and navel jewelry.

6. The state of the world.

How about that indictment?! And why did it take so long to respond to the crisis in New Orleans? Everything is imploding. It all seems to lead back to our dear president.

This is #6 out of 7? We had to talk about Botox and your fucking dog before this? Next time you're ranking things that are more important than the fact that you're schtupping the guy from Wedding Crashers, maybe START with the thousands dead in New Orleans and the crisis of corruption in the highest levels of our government, how's about that?

7. Radiohead.

When are they going to make a new album? Where are they? Where did they go? I also want to know why Steve Perry left Journey.

Oh, it sucks when vapid celebrities reveal they have your exact same taste in music. (Although was "Hail to the Thief" really that long ago? Are we already at the point of demanding new Radiohead music vocally?) And, please, Jen, don't even discuss Radiohead in the same sentence as Steve Perry. It hurts my soul.