If It's Not Christian, It's Crap!

Bill O'Reilly and his pro-Christmas crusade is really the gift that keeps on giving. I look forward to O'Reilly rants about how "secular progressives" are destroying Christmas like some people look forward to that stop-motion animated Rudolph special.

(Did you ever really think about that Rudolph special? Doesn't it teach children that only those people who are useful are deserving of our love and acceptance? I mean, even if Rudolph's nose didn't light up, and he wasn't useful in guiding Santa's sleigh, shouldn't he still be invited to play in reindeer games? And the whole concept of an Island of Misfit Toys is just disconcerting. What kind of odd eugenic experiement is sending away all the "broken" toys anyway?)

This rant, from the November 8th edition of Willy's Fox News show, helpfully transcribed by Media Matters, might be the single most amusing Bill O'Reilly session I have ever seen. He's really elevating narrow-minded angry politically-themed ranting to the level of fine art. Have we ever considered the possibility that Bill O'Reilly is actually a character created by a brilliant performance artrist, the perfect loudmouth caricature?

As you know, Christmas has become controversial in America. Public displays of the federal holiday are under attack by the ACLU [American Civil Liberties Union], and some department stores even tell employees to avoid saying "Merry Christmas." So we decided to look at some retail policies this year, and here's what we found out: Sears/Kmart would not answer our questions. Spokesman Chris Braithwaite simply ducked the issue. Their website banners: "Wish Book Holiday 2005." They were the worst we had to deal with. OK? Sears/Kmart.

What is Bill upset about, again? Firstly: Sears/Kmart calls their holiday catalog "Wish Book Holiday 2005" instead of something more Christmas-y. I don't know exactly what it is that Bill would prefer..."Christmas Wish List for Chrsitians" or something like that. Maybe "Jesus' Big Book of Bargains." That has a nice ring. Secondly: Spokesman Chris Braithwaite didn't return Bill's phone call.

And, folks, let me tell you, Bill is kind of sensitive about getting return phone calls. He waited up all night for Chris to call, pacing around his bedroom, asking anyone within shouting distance why Chris, who seemed like such a nice guy, and who really seemed to like him, wouldn't call him back. Then, he ate an entire pint of Ben and Jerry's Chubby Hubby ice cream and went to sleep listening to his favorite Sarah McLachlan albums on repeat.

JCPenney says its catalog is always called "Christmas catalog." Federated Department Stores -- Macy's, Bloomingdale's, Burdines -- says the words "Merry Christmas" will be used in most advertising. Same thing at May, Filene's, Lord & Taylor, and Marshall Field's.

I just want to reiterate that this is all really stuff that Bill O'Reilly said on television. You know, it's not like there isn't anything important going on in America right now. 2005 has been perhaps the most eventful year, current events-wise, of my entire lifetime. Ongoing war and tumult in the Middle East, massive horrific natural disasters, protests in France rivaling the student unrest of 1968, the indictment of a high-ranking government official, an ongoing investigation into the leak of an undercover agent by the White House, shutting down the government to discuss possible fraud in the lead-up to the Iraq War, the reversal of America's long-standing policy against torture, the nomination of a hard-line conservative to the Supreme Court...And that's just the tip of the iceberg.

And this guy is analyzing how each individual department store is choosing to refer to Christmas? Even if you are Christian and you love Christmas, who gives a flying fuck?

But Kohl's refused to define how the company will deal with Christmas. Dillard's, however, will use the slogan "Discover Christmas, Discover Dillard's." So there you go. Shop where you like the atmosphere. Just remember, Kohl's and Sears/Kmart, basically, not all right.

Oh, man, that last sentence is classic, classic O'Reilly. "Shop where you like. I'm not telling you where to shop. Just know that you shouldn't shop here or here. But shop wherever you want! There's no spin here!"

Does he genuinely believe that Christmas is under attack by the ACLU and some shadowy, mysterious group calling themselves the "secularists"? Or is he just using this lame theory as a way of inducing panic into the simple-minded and ultra-religious, preying on their fanaticism, love of Christmas and fear of non-Christians?

I'm tempted to say the latter, that O'Reilly is just an opportunist latching on to this issue, but I'm not positive. Mainly because he does such a poor job of making a reasonable argument. A cynical opportunist would probably research the issue, in order to formulate an argument likely to resonate with the most people. O'Reilly seems to just blurt out whatever fool idea enters his head, which would be more the tendency of a mindless ideologue with no agenda outside his own, personal prejudices. Check out some of this exchange between Billy O and business/retail affairs author Phillip Nulman:

O'REILLY: All right, 85 percent of Americans say they're Christians. Christmas is a federal holiday, signed into law by [President] U.S. Grant. And we're living in a time where some retail outlets will not say "Merry Christmas." Insane?

Insane? Is that really the right choice of word? Is that a good way to open a topic, blatantly accusing anyone who holds a different opinion of actual insanity? Why is it insane to not alienate 15% of the population, when a formulation like "Happy Holidays" does the same job without alienating anyone?

This is basically what Nulman, a seemingly normal person of reasonable intelligence, says:

No, no, I don't think it's insane. I think that it's good business practice, actually. And many organizations are trying desperately to be inclusionary. They feel that the use of "Merry Christmas" in their packaging, their bags, their messages, their environment is just the opposite. It's exclusionary to the 15 or 20 percent of the customer base that is not Christian.

These companies are not beholden to any bizarre secular conspiracy. I know, because I'm a secularist! If there was an atheist conspiracy to rid the world of Christmas, I'd have probably heard about it. (And if I had to vote on one Christian thing to get rid of from American society, it wouldn't be Christmas, which sometimes means cookies and presents even for little Jewboys like myself...It would be, in this order, (1) The Intelligent Design non-debate, (2) Pat Robertson and the 700 Club and (3) those stupid Jesus "footprints" wood carvings all those douchebags have up in their living rooms...What a steaming load...)

They're just making a sensible business decision...More people are likely to be turned off by a message for a religious holiday they don't celebrate than by an intentionally generic phrase that can be applied to any religion. In other words, Christians don't get pissed when you say "Happy Holidays," but some Jews or Muslims or Buddhists or Hindus or atheists get pissed when you say "Merry Christmas." So by saying "Happy Holidays," you avoid upsetting anybody. That's just logical.

I mean, it makes some sense, right Billy O?

See, I think you're, I think you're crazy. And here's why. I think the backlash against stores that don't say "Merry Christmas" is enormous because now people are aware of the issue. There's going to be -- it's like the third or fourth year that we've reported it. I know everybody's hypersensitive about are they going to say "Merry Christmas"? Are they going to say "Happy Holidays"? What are they going to say? Are there decorations that say "Merry Christmas"? They're hypersensitive.

It's stunning, isn't it? Please, take a moment and reread that. The man's ego dwarves anyone else's I've ever encounted...in my life. Not only is he insinuating that he has some measure of influence over some people's way of thinking. Bill here actually asserts that he's capable of steering the national dialogue, of dictating views to not just some but a majority of Americans.

"People will be upset when they hear 'Happy Holidays' because I've been talking about it for four years in a row."

Can you imagine anyone, anyone, being asked a similar question and responding in that way? What if you asked Steven Spielberg, "Why do you think dinosaurs so capture the imaginations of children?," he would respond, "Well, I made Jurassic Park like 10 years ago! Of course everyone likes dinosaurs now."

Of course, he'd never take credit for something like that. Because he has some semblance of decorum and humility. Even in cases where it might be true - like Lance Armstrong causing Americans to get more interested overall in cycling - you wouldn't really hear such self-aggrandizing statements from the individuals themselves.

Now, the other thing is, I don't believe most people who aren't Christian are offended by the words "Merry Christmas." I think those people are nuts. I think you're crazy if you're offended by the words "Merry Christmas." So you're basically only knocking out your nutty customers. And why do you want them anyway?

First off, I'd like to point out that without the all-important "nutty customer" demographic, Laser Blazer would probably go out of business this week. Bill is clearly not a businessman, as I have never heard any executive speak favorably about alienating any potential customers. Businesses must grow to survive, and the best way to grow is to make yourself accessible to the most customers possible. If that means removing explicitly religious rhetoric from your marketing, that sounds reasonable enough to me.

But the larger issue here, of course, is that Bill has called anyone who doesn't like being wished a Merry Christmas crazy. And not like, "Oh, come on, that's crazy...", using the phrase colloquially. He's actually saying you're crazy. Like, "Hey, this guy hates Christmas! He's dangerously insane! What horrible psychosis could cause such a strange reaction in a human being?"

As for me, even though I downright dislike Christmas, I've been wished a Merry Christmas thousands of times, and it has never actually upset me. Usually, by late November, I get numb to holiday cheer, and it stops fazing me all together. (Except Christmas carols...Oh how I hate stupid sing-songy Christmas carols.) But that doesn't mean that someone who is more sensitive on this issue than me is nuts. I suspect someone who took their Judaism or Islam or Hinduism or whatever seriously might be upset if, everywhere they went the last 2 months of the year, people spoke to them about a holiday they don't celebrate.

If people stopped Bill every day to wish him a Happy Ramadan, you figure he'd just take it and not respond in any way?

Here's the last part of the interview I'll excerpt. Nulman makes a reasonable point:

"Season's Greetings" and "Happy Holidays," Bill, does not offend Christians.

To which O'Reilly responds:

Yes, it does. It absolutely does. And I know that for a fact. But the smart way to do it is "Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukah, Season's Greetings, Happy Kwanzaa."

So now, when you're greeted in a store, the helpful employee has to reference every upcoming religious holiday, rather than some generic catchphrase that summarizes them all? In LA, I sometimes go into stores where they can't be bothered to lift their head up and acknowledge my existance, where you have to actively beg the employee for a little help. Just today, I went to New Japan, a great take-out Japanese place on Santa Monica Blvd., and waited nearly 15 minutes for service because the cashier was making a personal cell phone call.

According to Bill, she not only should have taken my order more speedily, but sang the first three verses of "God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen."

Can you believe this man has his own radio and TV shows? He's clearly a completely out of touch idiot.