He Makes a Lot of Good Points

A while back, discussing reality TV, I mentioned a major part of the reason I enjoyed shows like "Big Brother." They allow me to experience the magic of morons conversing, without having to go to the trouble of finding morons with whom to converse.

Well, I have discovered a pretty solid substitute. A certified Grade A, Prime Cut, #1 Super-Deluxe All-American Moron named Jeffrey Welles just posted a bizarre, idiotic, senseless diatribe on my blog. It's a seething indictment of my...well...it's too stupid to fully comprehend. I think it's an indictment of the fact that I judge movies too harshly and work in a video store, but I'm not sure. Reading it is like experiencing half of an argument I'm having in an alternate dimension where I have severe Down Syndrome.

What follows will be excerpts of the very ludicrous yet nasty comment Jeff left about me on this article (oddly, a positive article about my excitement over the upcoming Superman movie), followed by my own analysis of why it's stupid, and what could have possibly made Jeffrey Welles such a horrible human being.

One word to sum up your blog and life, as you speak your mind, to an invisible crowd, is Pathetic.

Two things on this first sentence. Firstly, portraying my readership as an invisible crowd is complimentary, which is the opposite of what I feel Mr. Welles intended.

He wanted to say that no one reads my blog. (Clearly untrue...a quick check to the CQ Counter indicates that 111 people have read my blog so far today). But if a "crowd" of people were reading my blog, that would be a good thing, right? The fact that they are invisible only means they can't be seen, not that they don't exist.

So, in a way, this is entirely accurate. My blog is read by an invisible crowd - a group of around 100 people a day, only 2 or 3 of whom decide to actually comment and make their presence known.

Secondly, I just like that he capitalizes the word "Pathetic," like Dr. Johnson used to do. "He is, Mr. Boswell, a most Pathetic and Irrational Creature, a moste unpleasant kinde of Man of whom no positive appraisal could be Maede."

Makes it more formal.

Maybe working at a video store for the rest of your life is an acheivement, maybe it isnt so you think writing can earn you the respect you been needing, but after reading a couple of stuff you have written, I realize, you have nothing good or anything of calibre to even give what you write any sort of appreciation.

Okay, so right here is where you may have noticed Mr. Welles is a complete buffoon. I mean, what sort of idiot goes on to someone else's blog and rants wildly about their poor level of writing, despite themselves composing language at a second grade level?

He does have my number, though. I do intend to work at a video store for the rest of my life. I do see this as an acheivement [sp]. I do been needing respect. And I don't have nothing good or of calibre [sp, unless Jeff's a limey] to say.

Welles actually, for the entirety of his commentary, seems to have a problem with the fact that I work in a video store. I fear he may be one of the growing number of Americans, especially here in Los Angeles, who confuse one's income with one's value as a person. Just for the record: lots of great people are poor and lots of horrible people are rich. Did I just blow your mind?

The fact that I work in a video store, a position that doesn't pay very well, therefore itself becomes an insult.

Oh, please, Mr. Welles, don't remind me what it is I do all day for a living. Anything but that.

I realize you have failed, and what you write is a beleif to signify that idea.

See, this is really frustrating! Why can't I be insulted by someone who can clearly elucidate a single fully formed idea? I'd really love to have an online war with someone well-spoken who could really put me in my place, but this guy is such an unbelievable simpleton, it's not even possible.

Seriously. This sentence is so dumb, when I first read it, I thought it must be a joke. "Surely my friend Vineet has just typed this to make me laugh! What a kidder!"

But, sadly, no, I think it's real. Jeffrey Welles is really out there, the sad product of our woefully inefficient public school system.

Your a bad critic, but than again you dont even deserve the title of being a critic, after reading your reviews and your comments on movies, you are nothing but another moviegoer fanboy/girl who thinks for themselves, what you like is the best, if you dislike it, everybody who likes it is completely wrong.

AH! We finally get to the point! Mr. Welles clearly likes a film that I have dissed on the website. Now it all makes sense.

I have a theory as to which movie that might be...Garden State...and let me just say, Mr. Welles, that, if that is the movie about which you disagree, I am most definitely right and you are wrong.

I run into this criticism a lot, both in reality and on the computer. The fact is, I have strong opinions, and I like voicing them strongly. Aside from the small group of people who make up my family and circle of close friends, film is the thing in this world I care about the most. It's certainly the thing I spend the most time actively thinking about. So, to my mind, it's only natural I should have strong opinions about movies.

This is true of anyone with a hobby or passion that takes up much of their time. Baseball fans love their favorite team and hate their rivals. Why shouldn't I feel the same way about movies?

So, yeah, I can be forceful in my opinion, and even a bit caustic at times. Often, I'm going for a laugh, so I state something in the most outrageous way possible. Sometimes, the goal is merely to provoke - when I say something like "Magnolia sucks," it's both because I really do feel that Magnolia sucks and just to get people's attention, to alert them that my perspective on that and other similar films may be different from the mainstream opinion.

(Although Magnolia totally does suck).

And, yes, Mr. Welles, I "think for myself." I know that's not a popular concept in Bush's America, but it's a habit I just kind of picked up years ago with which I'm presently stuck. Sorry to disappoint you and the other drones, who think every movie is good as long it's admired by someone.

My best suggestion for you is to read highly qualified critics, maybe you can have more respect for movies.

Like Dick Roeper, perhaps? Or, I know, Rex Reed!

Just because you seen a certain old movie or a foreign movie doesnt mean you know movies.

Actually, that's exactly what it means. If I see a lot of movies, I then know a lot about movies. I know it's a leap, and you clearly don't employ those critical thinking faculties too often. Probably for fear of strain. But, please, at least try.

As you have stated, CRASH is horrible, but than again, it will indeed have nominations this oscar season, and I hate to let you know, but you have nothing going in your life, to come close to what Paul haggis or any writer director producer you dislike have acheived, when they ask you what you do, you say proudly to them that you work at a video store, and recommend them a movie you love, just to feel better about yourself, it helps you get through the day, change your name ,its horrible, find a new career, outside the internet, these things are bad for you.

Unfortunately, all of Jeff's periods were washed away in the flood waters of Hurricane Katrina. If you have some spare punctuation marks you can send Jeff, please e-mail them to me at periodsforassclown@upjeffwellesass.org

Maybe I'm wrong, and he's not an idiot, but rather he's going for a William Burroughs, stream-of-consciousness thing with his prose style. It's like Beat Poetry, Jeffrey Welles' insults:

I saw the best minds of my generation
Washed away by CRASH
A bad movie but if you meet
Paul Haggis tell him you work in a video store

Change your name, it's horrible
And get a new career
Because you work in a video store

And when they ask you what you do
You say proudly to them
You work in a video store

It's horrible
You work in a video store
These things are bad for you

It would work better if I had a dude on bass backing me up. Trust me.

So that's the mean-tempered Jeffrey Welles and his insensitive comments here at CBI. I suppose most bloggers would just delete such nastiness, as it really doesn't serve any purpose other than providing Jeff with the attention he so clearly craves.

But then I went ahead and wrote this whole response post, which now won't make sense if I delete the offending comment that provided the inspiration. So, the troll stays!