Update: Don't Kill Chavez!

Or rather, it would be wrong for a man such as myself to advocate the Killing of Chavez!...but you should still Kill Chavez!

Pat Robertson's press release, explaining his comments on "The 700 Club," is absolutely priceless. I'm considering printing it out and having it handsomely framed.

Anyway, Pat says that he was just really super frustrated by Chavez, and in his intense frustration, he might have accidentally let it slip that America should totally go to this guy's country at night and murder him in cold blood.

I want to take this opportunity to clarify remarks made on the Monday, August 22nd edition of The 700 Club where I adlibbed a comment following a very brilliant analysis by Dale Hurd of the danger that the United States faces from the out-of-control dictator of Venezuela, Hugo Chavez.

Of course, Pat won't actually apologize for encouraging the US military on national television to murder to leader of a foreign country. He's just clarifying that he did, in fact, say such a horrible thing. But only because he was frustrated. And maybe a little bit stoned.

And ad-libbing! Totally off the top of his head. The "700 Club" is like the fucking Improv Olympic West, people! You think "Who's Line Is It Anyway" is intense? Try Christian broadcasting, bitch.

Pat then helpfully recounts his statements for us:

I don’t know about this doctrine of assassination, but if he thinks we’re trying to assassinate him, I think we really ought to go ahead and do it. It’s a whole lot cheaper than starting a war, and I don’t think any oil shipments will stop. But this man is a terrific danger, and this is in our sphere of influence, so we can’t let this happen. We have the Monroe Doctrine, and we have other doctrines that we have announced, and without question, this is a dangerous enemy to our south, controlling a huge pool of oil that could hurt us very badly. We have the ability to take him out, and I think the time has come that we exercise that ability.

Do I have to remind all of you that this guy is a religious leader? This is the least Christian shit I have ever heard in my life. If Pat Robertson went on TV and said that he wanted to fellate Satan while wiping his ass with the Shroud of Turin, that still would not be less Christian than saying that we should start killing people wholesale who block our access to cheap oil.

And he uses the Monroe Doctrine to back up his argument! That 200 year old imperialist non-legal horseshit in which America announced that, because there were no white people from there, we scould basically run everything in Central and South America. Way to cite AP US History for precedent there, Patrice. Any other evidence you'd like to present? The Dred Scott decision, perhaps? The Hawley-Smoot Tarriff?

Is it right to call for assassination? No, and I apologize for that statement. I spoke in frustration that we should accommodate the man who thinks the U.S. is out to kill him.

See if you can process the logic here. (I had to have a couple of beers first). Because Hugo Chavez has stated that he thinks the US may be trying to kill him, the US has the right to...kill him.

Okay, I'm gonna try again. Hugo Chavez has stated that agents of the US government have tried to assassinate him, and more assassination attempts may be coming. He feels that, as a critic of George Bush and US foreign policy, and as a major US oil supplier, he represents a distinct threat to American national security and the Bush Adminstration.

I'm not saying whether or not that's true. I have no way of knowing whether or not we have tried to kill Hugo Chavez, or will try to. (Probably). But the guy's allowed to say that if he wants, right?

Wrong, apparently. That's punishable by death. Hey, it seems wrong, but it's the Robertson Doctrine. What are you gonna do? You can't argue with a doctrine.

We are in the midst of a war that is draining vast amounts of our treasure and is costing the blood of our armed forces. I am a person who believes in peace, but not peace at any price.

This is such telling, telling stuff. If you have ever taken anything P.R. says seriously in your life, please, consider these two sentences.

First off, he uses the word treasure. Not even "treasury." Treasure. Here's a guy that's still about conquest. I guess it makes sense - he's an evangelist, and what is spreading your religion to non-believers but spiritual conquest. But he still thinks in these terms. We have treasure, and when we go to other countries and exploit them, it means more treasure! But when we get into long-term wars, we lose treasure! Boo!

Then that second sentence...Oy gevalt...What was Jesus about, at all, but peace at any price? Jesus wasn't saying stuff like "Love thy neighbor, unless he fucks around with your Escalade." Mainly because they didn't have Escalades back then. Only El Dorados.

This whole thing doesn't really matter. Everyone in America who's not a total droid at this point knows Pat Robertson is a completely sideways fuckstain. It's just a friendly reminder that, in George Bush's America, up is down, left is right, and ministers frequently call on their government to execute dissidents.