A Play in Five Acts

Lons' masterwork, entitled "Five Stupid Conversations I've Had While Working Retail," premiered at Los Angeles' Geffen Playhouse in April of 2005.

ORIGINAL LOS ANGELES CAST:

Lons - Jude Law
Customer #1 - Jason Schwartzman
Customer #2 - Bea Arthur
Customer #3 - Vin Diesel
Customer #4 - Molly Shannon
Customer #5 - Jim Broadbent
Sig - Luis Guzman
Ivan - Patton Oswalt
Mark Hamill - Himself
Robert Carradine - Himself

We present here the full text of the play.

FIVE STUPID CONVERSATIONS

I'VE HAD WHILE WORKING RETAIL

A Play in Five Acts

SCENE 1

[A reasonably crowded suburban Barnes & Noble store. CUSTOMER #1, a young man wearing a band T-shirt and oversized, baggy shorts, enters clutching a loose leaf piece of paper. He's walking with purpose towards the information desk. Behind the desk, picking grime from beneath his fingernails, is LONS.]

CUSTOMER #1

Hi. I'm doing a report and I need a few books.

LONS

Uh-huh.

CUSTOMER #1

I need to find some stuff on the Spanish Inquisition.

LONS

Back there in history.

CUSTOMER #1

Okay, so is that in fiction or what?

LONS

What?

CUSTOMER #1

Wait...Is fiction the stuff that's true or the stuff that's fake?

SCENE 2

[The same Barnes and Noble store, slightly less crowded than before. CUSTOMER #2, an older lady, comes in carrying a massive, overstuffed purse. She walks to the Information Desk after wandering around aimlessly for a moment.]

CUSTOMER #2

Do you work here?

[Lons looks around in amazement...He is, after all, behind the Information Desk.]

LONS

Um, yeah.

CUSTOMER #2

I need a book for my son.

LONS

Okay.

CUSTOMER #2

He needs it for his English class.

LONS

Okay.

CUSTOMER #2

It's a play. It's called "Hamlet." I don't know the author.

SCENE 3

[Laser Blazer, a large, bright, well-stocked DVD store, hums with activity on a weekday afternoon. LONS and IVAN stand behind the counter, busying themselves, when CUSTOMER #3, a real mook wearing a wifebeater and sweaty from a workout, enters. He hands LONS a DVD.]

CUSTOMER #3

Yeah, I just want to return this.

LONS

Okay.

[He enters some information into the computer.]

LONS

Actually, there's a $1 late fee, because it's a day late.

CUSTOMER #3

When was it due?

LONS

Um...yesterday.

SCENE 4

[Laser Blazer, much the same as before, except now a batty old lady, CUSTOMER #4, is browsing around. LONS and SIG stand behind the counter, cleaning discs and labeling. CUSTOMER #4 walks up to the counter carrying a stack of movies.]

CUSTOMER #4

I'm looking for a specific movie...Maybe you guys can help me.

SIG

We'll try.

CUSTOMER #4

It's a remake of this old Cary Grant movie...

LONS

Okay...

CUSTOMER #4

It stars Matt Damon.

SIG

Hmm....

LONS

Hmm...

CUSTOMER #4

I think it was out a few years ago.

LONS

I can't actually think of a Grant remake with Damon...

SIG

Me either.

CUSTOMER #4

I think it was a remake of Charade.

SIG

Oh, that was The Truth About Charlie.

CUSTOMER #4

Oh, great!

LONS

Except, it stars Mark Wahlberg, not Matt Damon.

CUSTOMER #4

What? Oh, that's not it, then.

LONS

No, it is.

CUSTOMER #4

No, no, this had Matt Damon.

SIG

I don't think he ever remade Charade.

LONS

He didn't. You're think of Truth About Charlie. And it sucks anyway.

SIG

Yeah, that's what you mean.

CUSTOMER #4

It was Matt Damon. Oh, well, I guess you guys just don't have it.

SCENE 5

[Laser Blazer is packed and buzzing with activity. There's currently some sort of autographing event going on in the background. Star Wars star MARK HAMILL can clearly be seen on the panel, as can Revenge of the Nerds star ROBERT CARRADINE.]

[A large man, CUSTOMER #5, speaking in a bizarrely-forced English accent and looking by all accounts like a homeless person, waits patiently in line. After a brief period, he reaches the front register, where LONS is waiting to assist him.]

CUSTOMER #5

Yes, I'd like to purchase these movies.

LONS

Okay.

CUSTOMER #5

You may recognize my voice, I do a terrific amount of voice-over work.

LONS

Okay.

CUSTOMER #5

I just finished working on the new PIXAR film, it's called Razzamatazz. It won't be out until 2007 though, I'm afraid.

LONS

Okay.

CUSTOMER #5

It was lovely to see Bobby Carradine and Mark again. We simply must work together some time soon, you know. I've worked with so many of the great ones.

LONS

You're insane.

[Here, the CUSTOMER notices a DVD box set next to the counter. He looks at it with affection.]

CUSTOMER #5

Oh, you have that new Christopher Lee set of Hammer films. He's a dear old friend of mine. We first worked together almost 30 years ago, can you believe that?

LONS

Move along, sir, or I'll be forced to kill you with my bare hands.

CUSTOMER #5

I spent a good deal of time at his estate in New Hampfordshire. Massive place, you know.

[LONS leaps over the counter and begins to strangle CUSTOMER #5 to death.]

[Curtain falls.]

THE END