Monday, June 06, 2005

Case File #445-3399, J. Bruckheimer, The Coyote Ugly Session

Mr. Bruckheimer came in for treatment several years ago, complaining of feelings of complete and total alienation from the rest of humanity. After several years of producing escapist entertainment products such as Exhibit #12-3309, Top Gun, and Exhibit #1119-93890o894, Dangerous Minds, patient has disassociated from normal emotional connection, suffering from delusions of grandeur, manic tendencies, misanthropic disgust for the American citizenry and an intensely narrow worldview in which only commercialism and juvenile mysogyny register as worthwhile pursuits.

In this session with the patient, we focused on his 2000 project Coyote Ugly, otherwise known as Exhibit #44596589-20934, viewed immediately prior to the session from the new Director's Cut Unrated DVD copy available for review in the hospital's Media Room on Level 4. Herein, LH will represent myself, the lead doctor on the case, and BR will represent the patient, J. Bruckheimer.

LH: How are you feeling today, *****?

JB: I'm okay. Those PSP discs of Pirates have been selling pretty well.

LH: I'm glad to hear it.

JB: I'm still covered with ants, though.

LH: I told you, there's no ants. Why don't we talk a little about Coyote Ugly?

JB: What a fabulous journey. Director David McNally is a delight to work with.

LH: You've told me you thought Coyote Ugly was an honest, emotionally moving story about a young girl's discovery of life in the big city. Do you still agree with that statement?

JB: I sure do. It was very important to me to not only have fun with the story of a bunch of wild girls working at a bar, but to explore their personal journies as individuals, and as women.

LH: But surely you realize that these women are impossible male fantasies?

JB: Not at all.

LH: Please continue.

JB: New York City is filled with beauties on par with Tyra Banks and Bridget Moynahan, happy to douse themselves in alcohol and dance with strange, fat men on a bar top for $2 tips. Drug-free, talented, neurosis-free girls who pay the bills by bar-dancing until they can finish their Ph.D. programs or make it as a singer/songwriter.

LH: But all of the girls are so sexual, so outgoing, so available to men at all times, and yet they are also extremely innocent. Everyone dresses provocatively and shows a lot of flesh while bar-dancing, but only the main character has a real physical relationship with a man, and even that is tame by movie standards.

JB: So what?

LH: Don't you see how this film reflects a crass male fantasy about women, rather than any objective reality about their nature or situation?

JB: You're trying to steal my brain waves! You've been working with the government and the aliens living among us!

LH: I told you, *****, there are no aliens.

JB: They leave messages for me in my poo. That's why I can't go to the bathroom.

LH: I'll have the orderly bring you something to help you go. Let's talk a little more about the movie. I think we're making real progress.

JB: No, let's talk about Gone In Sixty Seconds. Now that's a picture! Duvall didn't want to do it, but then I hit him over the head repeatedly with a ball-peen hammer, and threatened to rape his golden retriever Ralphie, and he gave right in.

LH: We'll talk about Sixty Seconds more later. I think we're on the verge of a breakthrough. Let's talk more about Coyote Ugly. I want you to think about the viicous double standard on display in the movie.

JB: What do you mean?

LH: At first, it appears to be a parable of female empowerment. Violet, played by Piper Perabo...

JB: I considered murdering her and feeding her remains to Kangaroo Jack, but I like her agent, so I didn't.

LH: Kangaroo Jack was a computer-generated Kangaroo.

JB: No, he's real. I built him a compound in my backyard. But he's so noisy! He's always whispering things in my ear, telling me to do things...bad things...

LH: Violet finds that, by dancing and showing off her goodies to drunken male patrons, she earns money and gains confidence. Then later, she finds that her slutty behavior embarrasses her father and alienates her boyfriend. But then at the end, her belief that the dancing was healthy and empowering is confirmed by her success. So which is it? Should women empower themselves by dressing like whores and gyrating against men for money, or should they preserve their dignity and protect their reputations?

JB: The weirdest thing about Kangaroo Jack is that he never goes to sleep. He's always there, waiting for me.

LH: *****, isn't Coyote Ugly really about your mother? About how she always spent her time entertaining other men, about how she didn't make you feel loved, about how she was surrounded by so much money and booze that there was nothing left for little ***** when he got home from school?

JB: No, it's about some slutty chicks who work at a bar. But not too slutty. PG-13 slutty.

LH: Yes, yes. Let's talk a little more about that bar. Do you think it's a plausible setting for a movie?

JB: Sure it is! I have a bar in my mansion modeled after the one in the movie, with hot girls dancing on it and everything.

LH: But surely you pay those girls exhorbitantly to perform for you?

JB: No, I just keep their family members and loved ones hostage in my basement dungeon, and they dance for free whenever I tell them to. And they better dance good.

LH: What about the scene where the girls pour alcohol on the bar and then light it on fire. Surely this is an overly risky practice for a crowded bar?

JB: I like fires. And explosions. Big explosions. Did you ever see Pearl Harbor? Man, those were some big explosions.

LH: I mean, would it really be worth the risk of someone getting hurt, or of the bar being damaged by fire, just to pull off some silly stunt? Would the owner of the bar possibly approve of such behavior? And wouldn't the property damage to the bar alone result in this trick never bein attempted?

JB: Is it dinner time yet? It's corn dog night!

LH: I know you love corn dog night.

JB: I sure do!

LH: Okay, why don't you go have some corn dogs. We can finish up with this next time.

JB: Gee, Dr. ******, thanks!

LH: Don't mention it, *****.

Patient continues responding poorly to any discussion of the psychotic and inexplicable thematic material included in his filmography. His hallucinations concerning Kangaroo Jack indicate some ongoing untreated neurological disorder, possibly schizophrenic in nature. Suggestions for future treatment include an increase of lithium dosage, continued one-on-one counseling twice daily, and a greenlight for a Con Air follow up featuring convicts taking over some kind of zeppelin.

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