It's Pretty Much the Best Interview of All Time

Seriously. Check out this Associated Press interview with Paris Hilton, as part of the marketing blitz for her major Hollywood motion picture debut, One Night in Paris.

No, it's House of Wax! Sorry, sorry, House of Wax.

AP: So how would you describe your occupation?

Hilton: I don't know. I'm an actress, a brand, a businesswoman. I'm all kinds of stuff.

AP: If you had to pick just one...

Hilton: An actress.

I can't be sure on this, but I think this might be the first time I've ever actually heard someone refer to themselves as a "brand." I mean, clearly, Paris Hilton makes money off of her name in the same way as "icons" like Donald Trump - by plastering their famous name on everything they do. So we get Paris Hilton jewelry, clubs named Paris, Paris: The Perfume, The Stupid Spoiled Whore Playset...You name it, she'll stick her "brand" on it. (Also, her "vagina").

But, really people...she's an actress first. Sure, a full 50% of her resume at this point is taken up with a homemade porno film cannily released by her ex-boyfriend...but you probably didn't know that's how Helen Mirren got her start.

AP: Do you read what's written about you? Do you pick up the tabloids?

Hilton: I don't read any of it. I just look at the pictures to see what I was wearing last week and if it was cute.

Do I even need to comment after this stuff? You people get the joke without my going to the trouble of pointing it out, right?

AP: Do you read blogs?

Hilton: What's that?

AP: Um, they're these things on the Internet where people write about news and stuff.

Hilton: No, I don't really read anything on the Internet except my AOL mail. I don't like people who sit on computers all day long and write about people they don't know anything about.

Yeah, it is kind of pathetic, I guess. Now I feel all bad about myself. If it makes any difference to Paris, I don't actually sit on a computer all day long. Sometimes, I get up to make myself a sandwich.

AP: What did you want to be when you were a little girl?

Hilton: A veterinarian, but then I realized I could just buy a bunch of animals.

And isn't that what being a vet is all about anyway? Owning a bunch of animals? Of course it is.

AP: So let's talk about the movie. I'm sure you've had a gazillion scripts on your doorstep. Why do "House of Wax"?

Hilton: It's a fun summer movie about teenagers. When I got the script, I went out and got the original and thought it was creepy and fun.

I'm actually going to go ahead and call this a total fabrication. I doubt strongly that Paris Hilton has ever bothered to watch the original Vincent Price House of Wax. And even if she did make the commitment to staying indoors and not being photographed for the 90 minutes it takes to watch the film, I doubt she'd enjoy it.

House of Wax isn't among the more inspired Vincent Price movies. I mean, it's okay, but it would hardly appeal to Cokehead McGee over here. Plus, it was shot in 3D, and the DVD transfer is a simple 2D print, so the movie's filled with unneccessary scenes where objects would have been flying at you in the theater, but which now just feature a lot of stuff being thrown into the camera.

AP: You do a lot of kissing in this movie. What was that like?

Hilton: It was hard because I've never done anything like that before. My boyfriend — not my boyfriend now (shipping heir Paris Lastis) — got really jealous about it, but then he realized it's just a movie.

So, gossip-heads love this sort of thing, because they realize she's referring to her ex-boyfriend and former Backstreet Boy Nick Carter, who allegedly beat her up.

But I'm just entertained by the idea of two people named Paris dating. Is it egotistical to go out with someone who has the same name as you? I kind of can't tell...It seems like it would be.

AP: So are you really a ditz?

Hilton: That's just for the show.

AP: Is the "Simple Life" scripted?

Hilton: Not really. That's what we're trying to do to freshen it up. I mean, not like the first season.

And since this interview is publicizing the show, I guess she's just pretending to be incredibly stupid and lame for our entertainment here as well. In fact, pretty much any time you see Paris Hilton or hear her speak or read about anything she has said, you can just assume that she's in "fake ditz" mode, in the hopes of masking her true identity, nuclear chemist and world backgammon champion Abigail Pittsford Willowdangle IV.

AP: What's hot right now in entertainment? What TV shows do you watch? What music are you listening to?

Hilton: I only watch "The Simple Life." I don't have time to watch anything else. I like 50 Cent, Maroon 5, Britney Spears.

She only watches her own show. How adorable. And her publicist is in the room, okay, people? I want to stress that this is not some off-the-cuff blurted-out sentiment that Paris is going to regret later. This is her marketed brand, her persona - a self-involved, shallow heiress who dreamed of being a vet until she realized she could just buy animals.

Also, full disclosure, back in my UCLA days I had the opportunity to meet some of the guys of Maroon 5, who then were in a local band called Kara's Flowers. Anyway, I'd love to get a chance to talk to those guys again, just because I bet after their massive explosion in popularity and fame, they have some fantastic stories.

But I'd also like to ask them..."what's it like to be Paris Hilton's favorite band?" I mean, that's when you know you have really arrived - when your band's name is synonmous with Top 40 Radio.

AP: Where do you see yourself in 10 years?

Hilton: I don't know. Married to my boyfriend with two kids and a house. Still acting and doing stuff.

Yeah, it is important to occasionally do stuff. That's what I see myself doing in 10 years. Stuff.

AP: Why are you so popular?

Hilton: I don't know, because of who I am. I'm not like anybody else. I'm like an American princess.

I know I said this is a terrific interview, but that's just because Paris Hilton is such an obnoxious piece of crap. I think this interviewer is clearly not getting the job done. "Why are you so popular?" You know PH isn't going to have a good answer for that question.

If I were doing the interview, I think I'd be tempted to alternate asking Paris fawning, publicist-approved questions and easy trivia. So, it would be something like this.

Me: So, Paris, tell me about designing your own fragrance. That must have been exciting.

Paris: Oh, it was great. I went to this factory and everything smelled so nice!

Me: And the state capital of Pennsylvania?

Paris: What?

Me: You were just saying, you know the name of Pennsylvania's state capital.

Paris: Um, Pittsburgh.

Me: Oooohhhh, no, Harrisburg. Harrisburg, PA. So, tell me about your new beau. He's super-cute!

Paris: Yeah, we have a good time. We both like to talk about things, and stuff, so we have, you know, lots of stuff to talk about.

Me: Sounds romantic. So, what was the year they finally sunk that Spanish Armada?

I'm going to end this little "bit" now, but just for your edification, it was 1588.