Beat on the Braff
I hate Zach Braff, star of "Scrubs," creator of the abominable, unspeakable film that must never ever again be named on this blog...Seriously, even to utter the title of this wretched cinematic abortion would be too painful at this point...I just can't take the ongoing popularity of this movie and this guy any more.
This guy I know, he works on the set of "Scrubs." No, I won't give his name, cause I don't want him to get in trouble on the extremely remote chance that someone else from the show reads this blog. I couldn't even tell you what he does on the set of "Scrubs," as I don't know that he's ever mentioned it. Maybe he's not even an employee, and just hangs out on the set all day. Anything's possible.
So I proposed to him just now that he get Zach Braff himself to read the blog. I'm hoping The Braffster sees something he doesn't like on here and thinks to respond angrily (which, judging from his appearance on "Punk'd" a few weeks back, stands as a distinct possibility). Can you imagine if I got a ranting comment from an enraged Braff? Dare I to dream?
So I wanted to write this post, so that if my friend happens to get a chance to turn Braff on to the website, there will be something offensive to read. I'd hate to actually have my mortal enemy read my blog only to discover old reviews and articles about stupid criminals. What's the fun in that?
Did you know that he's being tapped to star in a film version of Fletch? Now, I've met Kevin Smith, the proposed director of Fletch, and he seems like a savvy guy. I mean, he went from clerking a video store to directing features, so he's no slouch creatively, you know? His original choice for the character, Jason Lee, was, I felt, an inspired choice. And his sensibilities do seem to match the part. All in all, I'm looking forward to a remake of Fletch. So, I can't imagine what could have possibly possessed Kev to even consider Braff for this part.
I mean, writing/directing aside, have you see "Scrubs"? It's a half-hour mugging session. The guy does more double-takes in an episode than Wile E. Coyote. That's acting? That's a performance? Bugging out your eyes or looking winsome? I mean, I guess it's not that hard to be the best sitcom actor around. You're competing in a field where Master Craftsmen are Jim Belushi, Kevin James and Ray Romano. It's slightly more competitive than winning a footrace against 3rd graders.
So, anyway, I'll finish off this screed with a quote from Zach's blog, which reminds you that a Film Which Must Not Be Named is available on DVD at a Hot Topic near you.
Since we last spoke I won a Grammy and an Independent Spirit award. Yes it's true, I am now "Grammy award winning actor Zach Braff." Pretty funny, huh? The spirit awards were very cool. I got to see so many actors and directors I look up to. This is all very new to me, so I'm very star struck by people like Robin Williams. (Who told me he was a big fan of the movie.) I tried sleeping next to the trophy, but it has sharp edges and the eagle's talons began to chafe my belly.
Is it just me, or do you have bile welling up in your throat too?
57 comments:
you might want to consider hating the game, not the player...
I have nothing against players or games. This article is about hating Zach Braff.
hear, hear, to my main man cory
never heard it called a "cinematic abortion" before but I intend to repeat the phrase often and enthusiastically
ok the eating breakfast in full armor gag, that was kind of funny. like the last seven seasons of the simpsons have been kind of funny
Just had to concur with cory on the post title. It made me feel all warm and fuzzy and giggly like when I first made a girl cry.
I googled "hate Zach Braff" to find someone who agreed and am amazed you were the only one I found. Having some ideas for a few cool scenes does not make you a cinematic genius. Nat Portman's character has loads of descriptions given her (pathological liar, epileptic, skater, etc.) but is not developed within the plot in any meaningful way. I watched the Spirit Awards and almost wretched when Braff won.
Welcome, Anonymous...You and I will have a lot in common, I predict.
I too googled 'I hate Zach Braff' hoping to be comforted.
Thankyou for giving me a moments rest. Never in my life has a film inspired in me more resentment for its creator. I am amazed that so few seem to be able to see how insulting this film is... and that so many would just lap it up with shit eating grins on their face. 'OMG Zach Braff is a genius, because like... hello... the shins!'
For the record... So not a genius. A smug, self obsessed prick who doesn't need anyone fueling that fire is, I think, a more apt description. Trust me... I have met the guy. ...Wish I'd karate chopped his face off.
Just so everyone knows, this is now the #1 Google item when you search for "hate Braff" or "hate Zach Braff." That's the awesomest thing that's happened since I started the whole blog, and I want to thank each and every one of you.
also googled "I hate Zach Braff"
Ohmygawd scrubs is so bad and Graden State even worse.
Welcome to you, too, Anony...Google has given me an army of Braff hatred. The only question now is, what will I do with this great gift?
I, too, googled "I hate Zach Braff," having just watched the movie he made. For the record, I hate Zach Braff. I hate his face. I hate his big nose, and his big lips. I hate the way he always wears a long sleeved shirt underneath short sleeved shirts. And I hate the condescending smirk that's always on his huge ugly face.
Of course, for most other people, I would be willing to forgive them for their superficial flaws in appearance, but I mostly hate Zach Braff for what he stands for. He's got an overrated name, he's on an overrated sitcom, and he made an overrated movie about a total asshole who gets Natalie Portman. What the hell. I hate Zach Braff.
- Stephen M Davis
Stephen, welcome to the anti-Braff collective, formerly known as Crushed by Inertia. Enjoy your stay.
Great another celebrity hating blog. This just proves that some people just have to much time on their hands. And being the only zach braff hating site in google, i dont think that something to be proud of XP. Why dont you guyz just got some hobbies or something? And by the way how would you act if your brand new sports car gets ruined. most likly like how your acting now, like a complete and utter dumbass.
I too typed "I hate Zach Braff" into google and I too am pleased to not be alone. But I don't blame Braff for my hatred, because I know why I hate him. It's simple. Look at him. He's not handsome. No more handsome than, say, me? He's not particularly talented. No more talented than, say, I don't know, me? He may be a nice guy. He's probably nicer than, say, me - but I'm sure it's a dead heat. My hatred comes from a simple, pathetic query - "why him?"
I like Scrubs, but I just get some kind of asshole vibe from Braff. I don't know what it is, he just seems like a jerk after watching that Punk'd episode, bloopers, and other stuff. I can't really judge though, since I don't know the guy personally.
Chiming in on the I searched for "I hate zach braff" train. I hate everything about him. I hate scrubs. I hate Zach Braff's god damn face. I freaking wretch everytime someone praises that show. It has one god damn gimmick, which is a substitute for understanding comedy; visualize everything!
I'm conflicted, though, as a movie is coming out in which he costars with Jason Bateman, of Arrested Development (which I absolutely loved). Why? WHY?
Agreed. Come on now ever think that maybe the reason Scrubs has been on for six seasons is because most people like the show and most of you are up-tight pricks? Write your own idea for a show and see if it lasts six seasons. Also, In regards to someone complaining about the "fantasies" in the show thats the point you damn fool. You see the odd things that go on in Braffs character's head.One love.
I Google'd "Zach Braff's nose" and found this wonderland of hate.
It's lovely here.
Garden State was pretensious, psuedo-intellectual piece of crap. There was absolutely no subtley in the film.. he clunks you on the head with the so-called "deep" parts of the film. I hate it.
I arrived here via googling "scrubs" & "unfunny", but I also detest Zach Braff.
Bah... Zach Braff is a poor talentless excuse for an 'actor'
I've seen more talent in a bowl of spoiling maggot riddled meat...
zach braff's not that great, but at least he's pushing people to think. where's your paris hilton rant? or how about whatever asshole keeps making the saw series?--degrading america one bad movie at a time. besides, yah, i kinda get the asshole vibe off of braff too. but he was diagnosed with OCD when he was a kid. on top of that, he's probably the most socially awkward actor to ever make it big. i'm pretty confident the "asshole vibes" aren't that at all. he's just awkward.
and i've gotta say--though, i'll probably get flamed for it:
In regards to Kevin Smith--"I mean, he went from clerking a video store to directing features, so he's no slouch creatively, you know?"
what does him working at a video store and his "creativity" have to do with each other? the guys a hack. his one "cult favorite" (clerks) was 1)an accident. 2)even more hyped up than garden state--and probably even more than rocky horror =O
he writes the same voice for every character no matter how diverse their personalities should be. he's just terrible.
maybe zach braff is the "pseudo intellectual" you guys have tried to make him out to be--but he's making more money than you probably ever will, and he's even being worshiped as a philosopher while doing it. (much unlike donald rumsfeld)
Ha ha. I googled "I hate Zach Braff" too. I cannot stand that guy. He thinks he's sooo great. I hated his movie and just all around find him obnoxious.
Okay fellow anti-Braffs...i have a cause for us...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=St414U_pxhY
1) Watch this video (if you can stand it)
2) Leave Zach your comments...let him really know what you think of him...
3) Sleep better at night!
hey i'm a bit shocked by how you people can hate this person so much when he has never done something bad personally to you. I mean, has he killed your parents, raped you, stolen all of your money, killed little children or any of the other shit that would make a reasonable human being fill with rage? Dont get me wrong, i think his work is pretty crummy, and i pretty much despise scrubs, but why do you need to hate the person himself?
No one has mentioned his ultra-annoying little voice
Am I the only one who has noticed that he does the voice for WENDYS commercials!?!? I ripped a big chunk of my hair out when I heard him introducing a new cheeseburger...
I'd be pretty pissed off to if I found some kid spray painting shit on my 100,000 dollar car. Especially if he was denying it with tons of cameras around and people who saw. It's a nice car. I would be pretty pissed off if someone spray painted anything on any of my stuff. I mean com'n.
And you, Anonymous person, who came here and DISCUSSED my blog post at length? You are not wasting energy and strength? Somehow, discussing the merits of Zach Braff is a valuable use of your time, but for me, it equals wasting my life? Explain.
Also, this? "...portrayals of realistic relationships in the movies..." Yeah, that makes you sound like an idiot. I'd refrain from saying such things about Garden State in the future if you don't want people goofing on you.
At least he doesn't cry about the success...of...boys! Boo Hoo Zach Braff. I think you're just upset because you have not done anything in your life remotely good enough for losers to scorn about online. The guy (anonymous) is so right.
The guys just defending Braff dude. You attacked some guy, let him pick up a sword. Its not like hes making an entire blog for antiantiBraffs.
Bedjumper...sock puppet much?
Or is it just a coincidence that some Anonymous doofus came here to goof on me and then you showed up an hour later, in a two year old post's comments section mind you, to defend his or her honor...
Seriously...watch about 1,000 more films, stop being a bullying douchebag, don't pretend to be other people so you can defend yourself in random blog comment sections and you'll start to feel better. I promise.
Wow...As I was writing a response, there was ANOTHER post...So either the "Beat on the Braff" post is suddenly a hot Internet property again, or this is one sad bastard haranguing me repeatedly about blogging my dislike for Zach Braff.
Unless...this is actually Mr. Braff. Zach, is that you? Can you advice me on my future? I'm thinking of getting into high finance.
Oh wow it's pretty pathetic that people just sit around and waste their time spewing hate about a person they don't even know. Scurbs is one of the most hilarious sitcoms on television now and calling it a lame piece of crap proves you have no sense of humour.
Sir, I could not disagree with you more. I don't think Zach Braff neccesarily deserves the amount of praise and hype he's gotten, but he is talented. I don't know if you have any credentials to back up your assertions that he cannot direct or act, but I do. Furthermore, I think that you just want something or someone to hate. You probably spend so much time hating Zach Braff that you never objectively look at what he's done and what he's doing. I, recently, harbored a blood hatred for Leonardo Di Caprio: upon watching Blood Diamond, I conceded that I may be mistaken. Back to the point: I don't idolize Zach Braff, but I do think he's talented, and I think he works harder than a lot of actor/directors.
Oh, last commenter, please elaborate. Tell me more of these CREDENTIALS you have for evaluating acting and directing. A degree in Advanced Academic Evaluationisticisms from the Sorbonne, perhaps? A G.E.D. from the Tuscaloosa, Alabama High School for the Performing Arts?
You know what, you goddamn waste of space? Your opinion has no more or less validity than anyone else's. That's a fucking FACT and you better start dealing with it. Your nonsensical parading around the Internet, ANONYMOUSLY claiming that you can lord your opinion over others like a weapon, kind of makes me want to throw up or hit you or both. (Maybe throw up on you whilst hitting you.)
Get off my blog.
Ha! You call ME a waste of space? The irony is delicious. You are a pretentious, self-righteous ass, and I will not leave simply because you say so.
And, for the record, the credentials are a BFA in Acting from Southern Oregon University, an MFA in acting from Yale, and many years of acting experience.
I would also like to point out that I think it's funny that you feel you that your opinion on acting and directing, etc, is just as valid as mine, even though you have never studied it and probably don't know what 'it' is, or what makes 'it' good and bad. I will use the analogy of acting to fine arts such as sculpture. You would know what you like an don't like, but I would hope that you're not so rash as to walk into a fine arts museum and start calling famous sculptures "bad" because you dislike them. You wouldn't, because beyond what you like or dislike, you have no credentials on which to base an objective judgment of the piece's artistic worth. Yet, in acting, you feel you do have the credentials to judge an actor's work.
Did you follow that, or was that too many words for your miniature brain?
And since you have an issue with me posting anonymously, despite the fact that I don't think my name has anything to do with this, I will include me name. You cannot bully me.
James, I'm not sure if they teach this at Yale, but the way you talk to people says a whole lot about you. When you talk down to people, particularly total strangers, flaunting your academic credentials in a transparent attempt to win instant, unearned respect and authority, this does not make those strangers respect you or see you as an authority.
I know this may seem counter-intuitive, but it is true. No genuinely sophisticated, learned, well-rounded people are impressed by diplomas, J.W. If you want me to defer to your opinion, you have to prove to me your ideas are worth a damn. The fact that you then referred to me as pretentious indicates that you either don't know what the word means or have a lack of self-awareness that borders on schizophrenia.
Do you want to know how you sound to me right now? Bearing in mind that, as a total stranger with absolutely no investment in a personal relationship with you, I'm far more likely to be honest than anyone you know and could ask about such matters?
You sound like this guy:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BWbl4vQLfr4
Like a ridiculous, self-aggrandizing clown, a Shakespearean Fool (let's say Touchstone with a frisson of Bottom) to use a reference from your preferred field of study.
I wrote a silly post on a blog ragging on an actor whom I dislike. This is hardly a Great Legendary Master of the Craft, mind you, but a sitcom actor who essentially mugs for a living. And I wrote a silly, humorous post ridiculing him. Ridicule is one of the most useful weapon's in the humorist's arsenal. I'm sure, as someone who has read lots of plays, that you're aware of this by now.
You then come here and insult me from some quite frankly delusional ivory tower, espousing the FIRM belief that my graduate degree does not entitle me to an opinion about fucking ZACH BRAFF!!!!!!!! because it's not from Yale or it's not in Acting specifically. Really? You deny me the right to think what I want to about the guy from "Garden State"? Really? Mull that over in your mind for a second before responding...REALLY? On what authority do you deny me my natural right to my own opinion? A diploma from Yale? George W. Bush has one of those, too, you know, and I don't let him tell me what to think...What makes you so goddamn special?
As a final thought, aside from any personal critiques of you based on your surreal blog commentary, might I gently suggest that you reorient your thinking about your profession?
You seem to view acting as an insider's game, something that only those with ultra-secret, special knowledge they only hand out at elite universities can appreciate. This strikes me as a horribly backwards attitude for any professional to maintain, regardless of his or her chosen field.
Shouldn't your performances be able to be enjoyed by anyone, even if they don't have a formal, rigorous education? Do you only wish to act before other actors? And if you concede that you enjoy acting in front of those who may not understand its practices as DEEPLY and fully as yourself...then what's the point you're making here? That we plebes should be allowed to watch a performance but not hold any firm opinion on it? We must remain silent and allow the Great Actors to judge one another on their own, independent of any unwelcome, uninformed outside commentary?
Seems kind of empty and pointless to me...
Hey I think it's great that most of you hate this douche, Zach Braff, also. First off, the name sounds made-up. I'm glad to know I'm not the only one who wants to use a ballpoint pen to poke a hole under Mr. Braff's chin, so I can shit in his neck. Then he'll have an excuse for all the awful crap that he tries to pass off as being funny. Also he'll have an excuse for the stupid face of his. He can say it's not his face, but rather an overflowing of feces from his neck.
I googled 'hate Zach Braff' and would you look at this! A plethora of mindless hating....
googled "hate scrubs" not really because I hate it, just because I kind of expected a billion hits of hate-zach-braff bloggs and similar and wanted to see what's it all about. I really understand how you can hate the guy, he's really annoying if you let him, personally, I actually think he's funny from time to time, to me he's just a geeky little man (mostly watched scrubs).
I will however not say he's a great actor, or a genius filmmaker. I get the impression he's kind of spoiled and annoying for real, dont know where I saw it, maybe in a behind the scenes-clip, where other spoke of him.
I think if you want to hate him, it's not that hard, there's a lot of things to find! But I found myself actually liking the (censur)-State. Yes, it has a wanna-be-artistic style, Yes, zach braff lookes dumb at you constantly, and NO, its doesent really have a useful point. but Natalie Portman is really cute, don't know if it's acting, don't care. Same with braff. I don't care if it's acting he does or just goofing around, I think he's one of the funniest geeks ever
"Since we last spoke I won a Grammy and an Independent Spirit award. Yes it's true, I am now "Grammy award winning actor Zach Braff." Pretty funny, huh? The spirit awards were very cool. I got to see so many actors and directors I look up to. This is all very new to me, so I'm very star struck by people like Robin Williams. (Who told me he was a big fan of the movie.) I tried sleeping next to the trophy, but it has sharp edges and the eagle's talons began to chafe my belly."
You do realise he's ironic, right? Just checking. I love Scrubs and Garden State and the Last Kiss and what not. The best part about this is that you all probably find that so annoying - I love that!
Yea im sure you guys also love Eli Roth or some hack like that. Zach Braff is great at what he does. Awesome how losers sit at home with their adorable blog pages hoping somehow SOMEONE would see what they write and give them the attention you crave. Get a real hobby.
Having read and enjoyed so many of your movie reviews (esp your insightful deconstruction of "Crash") I'm disappointed you didn't review "Garden State." I was looking forward to your take on the 'finger dance' scene and the guy taking fingerprints off the TV screen. Not to mention the guy lumbering around in a suit of armor.
True story: I saw "GS" at the Nantucket Film Festival. I had never seen "Scrubs" so I had yet to have a close encounter with Braff's Lips. Due to a delay near Hyannis, we didn't make it there for opening night. So I never saw Braff (or his lips). When I saw the flick, the audience erupted in generous laughter at the gas-pump scene. I turned to my companion and said, "Easy crowd."
And, if you're keeping track, I now have your blog bookmarked where Roger Ebert's used to be. Doesn't this mean you've hit the big time?
I loved garden state. you just say you hate him hoping to grab some attention from people because your parents did not love you. zach braff is a great actor who puts comedy and a deep feeling into pretty much every episode of scrubs, so hate on something worth hating. you don't like scrubs, turn on something else, or dont buy garden state if you dont like it, you dumbass.
While I seem to remember enjoying "Garden State" in another life, I can't seem to stomach "Scrubs." Someone told me once that if you hate a character, the actor is doing a good job portraying him. I think that just goes for villains. Scrubs has got to be one of the worst successful series on television, and Zach Braff looks even worse close in with a wide angle lens. He looks like a cheap latex Muppet, one control rod short of a Henson reject. Everyone has an opinion in America, but to me, if you consider Braff a great actor, you need to see a few more movies. I'd try a few made before 1975. PS-Thanks for this blog, which keeps me from running into the street with a machete, whilst my kids stay up all night watching Scrubs on DVD.
scrubs makes me puke...it is the sickest show on earth..they better stop it on nbc(which according to me made the biggest blunder by removing Just Shoot Me years ago)
i can't believe it has a 9.3 rating..my friends also like it..wtf is wrong with people..though i am glad to know i am not the only one to hate the show..
PS:i googled " I hate scrubs" lol..and even those idiots who seem to be favouring zach here must have googled pretty much the same..lol..how ironic..
I googled 'i hate scrubs' in the hope that I would stumble upon a post such as this and be able to laugh at how wrong all you peeps are. Unless, y'know, any of you charming people have won a Grammy, or been nominated for an Emmy, but I digress...
this lons boy whoever wrote this, you obviously suffer from serious retardation or were raped repeatedly as a young child by your dad and his friends.....
for one, Garden State is actually a good film, fair enough you dont like it, but it doesnt mean other people cant, after all, he did win an award/awards and is far more successful than you will probably ever be... you tell someone to watch 1000's more films before they can judge.....that may take a while since they probably have a life...
you belong on the ringer, in a ward, or in prison.
COMPLETE FUCKING RETARD
for anyone who disagrees with this mindless hate, you are all right, and to lons, you seem to think that your opinion is the only one that matters, why is this?
anon is right, you got raped senseless by someone didnt you? hence needing this?
did daddy fuck you too hard or was it that your mum just watched and realised shed given birth to an inbred with toes for fingers and shit for brains, you strike me as the kind of person that spends half his time on porn to forget your past and the rest wanking over hating people.....
its just really weird....
anyone who has even tried to say your wrong, youve just shouted down because they have an opinion.... like you... why cant they voice theres but you can? you cant always be right... i dont like zach braff either and came on here because i thought it might be clever and constructed not some mindless window licker spouting periodic blood from his arse...
ELABORATE ELABORATE ELABORATE
thats al you say.... why dont you do that then?
why is it you hate him?
listen to other people....
i think its just because your the kind of person that likes their uncle telling them their special.
i came on here through googling, zach brff ocd.... not i hate zach braff you silly small little man
yeah hi.
i feel sorry for all of 'i googled this!' get over yourselves, is it jealousy of just plain stupidity.
he's minted because he's talented, and making some very pathetic little hate site has probably made absolutely no difference to his life.
what do you think is going to happen to him because a load of pre teens say he's got a big nose and an ugly face?
he's a 30 year old man and he's got a beautiful girlfriend and a great life, he isn't big headed and he isn't deluded,
he obviously loves perfoming and it has been his dream to direct, and your opinion of him, probably means so so so so so little.
i love him.
and what are you going to do? cry?
yeah hi.
i feel sorry for all of the 'i googled this!' people. get over yourselves, is it jealousy of just plain stupidity? or maybe both
he's minted because he's talented, and making some very pathetic little hate site has probably made absolutely no difference to his life.
what do you think is going to happen to him because a load of pre teens say he's got a big nose and an ugly face?
he's a 30 year old man and he's got a beautiful girlfriend and a great life, he isn't big headed and he isn't deluded,
he obviously loves perfoming and it has been his dream to direct, and your opinion of him, probably means so so so so so little.
i love him.
and what are you going to do? cry?
bye!
I actually came here from googling "i hate scrubs" but yeah Braff is seriously annoying.
Ok, I must say that I like Scrubs very much... I missed earlier seasons, I'm now watching season six on tv and older episodes from season two, I must say that earlier seasons were great, the later ones when there is so much romance simply sucks (I watch them mainly for the Janitor, Ted and Todd). I like J.D.... yeah, he's kinda stupid but that's the way it is... But yeah, I feel that Zach Braff is kinda narcistic -> ok, that's the way it should look in the show, but there is a bit too much of it... I also think that he's a bit racist - I watched some kind of talk-show with him (the one for idiots, the entire conversation was about 5 minutes) and he said something about little girl he met abroad, mentioned her broke English and made fun of her... So let's summarize:
1. I like J.D.
2. I don't like Zach Braff that much
3. I think that there is too mach Zach Braff in J.D.
Kevin James a craftsman? Clerks was boring, mallrats was pointless, stupid and utterly vulgur and dogma was a waste. Oh yeah, didn't he direct that Jennifer Lopez chick flick Maid in Manhattan? Yeah, I believe I've made my point that anyone who praises Kevin James is worthy of trashing Zach Braff. Before I tell you to get a life, you should get a clue on film taste.
Correction above: Kevin Smith
Why don't you get a life instead of bashing celebrities behind your computer! Im sure Zach Braff couldn't care less what you think.
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