Feebler Elves

This is real. I swear. I know I post fake satirical websites, like that Bacon Whores thing, but this one is real. It's the ELFEN Project, and they...well, I have to let them tell it:

The ELFEN Project is a sincere and serious survey and field study that is principally directed toward individuals who have personally encountered one or more entities that might be described as elementals, nature spirits, little people, gnomes, fauns, good people, wood nymphs, sprites, elves, fairies, apiscinisak, or any other related forms.

Sincere! Serious! About wood nymphs!

ELFEN believes that this subject matter is a relevant and noteworthy ethno-cultural and sociological phenomenon which is manifested in fairy stores, fairy collectibles, advertisement, and folklore revivalism. It is also a symbolic and material manifestation of the search in our time for harmony, spirituality, and a re-connection to nature and the environment.

So, they know it's crap. They just want to hear you tell them your stories about meeting fairies so that they can share your idiocy with the rest of the world?

I still don't get it. Do these people know there's no such thing as fairies? They seem to insist that they do, but then they turn around and say things that no reasonable person would think to say.

There are a great many shape-shifting nature spirits that intermingle human and animal forms from wolves, deer, eagles, bear, moose and caribou to insects, frogs and toads. To confuse things further, shape shifting seems to be the rule in the elemental world, and sizes, in particular, seem to be a somewhat plastic feature with “little people” who can appear from three inches high to full size and in costume with gender and features that seem at times to be most appropriate for the observer’s expectations for elves or gnomes.

Hey, I thought you people were scientists. Shape-shifting gnomes? Not even Robert Jordan books have shape-shifting gnomes, and those things are ludicrous!

The site even has a Field Guide to North America's Nature Spirits. Oh, perfect. So now, when I'm walking around in the woods, not seeing fictional pixies, I'll know what kind of fictional pixie I'm not seeing.

Here are the different categories. Because, admit it, you care.

1. American Elves are the most frequently observed in encounters of earth elementals. The ELFEN Project files from direct encounters suggest the common form of the American Elf is medium size as elves go, 18-24 inches high, with normal human features and proportions including typical rounded ears, not usually pointed.

Get it straight, people. Elves don't have pointy ears. That's just ridiculous. Obviously, if it has pointed ears, it's a Vulcan.

Trade with humans has been reported in a few locations as a long and persistent tradition, when elementals were more visible and shared stories, experiences and trade articles very openly and freely in certain places.

You may be wondering what sort of trade an elf could conduct with a human. After all, elves are 18 inches high, and they live in the woods, and they don't really have pointed ears or make delicious cookies...so what do they have that we want?

I guess if you need to hop on over to Neverland, and you already have a happy thought ready, you might could barter for a little bit of fairy dust. But now here's a major headscratcher for you...what do you have to trade to an elf?

2. Canadian Gnomes are often bearded, with high boots or even soft leather footwear (sewn up the center), and are 2 1/2 to 3 feet in height in the Canadian Rocky Mountains and British Columbia ranges, while 24” is more common on the west coast.

Hear that, folks? The gnomes have high boots! They tried to go with those Ugg boots for a while, but even the Canadian bearded gnomes agreed that those look stupid.

3. American Goblins are similar in size to the Canadian Gnome, but they have primitive, rugged, unpleasant faces and frighten people.

They are ruled by the gentle yet stern hand of David Bowie.

4. Trolls This classic Scandinavian form, while a cultural symbol in Vulcan, Alberta and the star of the Troll Forest in Scandinavian exhibits, is not widely reported in the North America landscape.

No, the Vulcans have pointed ears! Or, wait, was that the elves? Now this is getting confusing.

5. Little Hairy Men This is a non-human.

Is it me, or did this article just turn anti-Semetic? But, seriously, folks, maybe there is something to all this. I see little hairy men in the video store every day, and some of them might very well not be human.

6. Fairies Fairies are attracted to the energies of children, springs, flowing water, old trees and flowering gardens. Some report specific spots in their garden where fairies are very predictable.

Did you ever think you'd read the sentence "Fairies are attracted to the energies of children" on a blog post that wasn't about Michael Jackson?

Okay, I'm sorry about that last one. But I haven't been making any Michael Jackson jokes...I'm overdue.

So, I guess the site hosts don't actually believe the people they interview are encountering fairies. But isn't this a bit condescending? I mean, there's studying folklore and then there's asking delusional people to write you letters. By implying that there's some kind of scientific relevance to these first-person accounts with the hallucinatory, aren't they encouraging people to break with reality? Aren't they insisting that the belief in fairies is somehow reasonable, and therefore doing these poor deluded souls a great disservice?

Wouldn't it be like asking people for alternate answers to trivia questions? Like, "We asked 100 Americans what play Lincoln was watching at Ford's Theater on the night he was shot, and according to our research, it was Andrew Lloyd Webber's Cats!"

That's not research. That's just, well, stupid. The answer is obviously Starlight Express.

And there's no such thing as fairies, pixies, gnomes, trolls, unicorns, sprites, goblins, leprechauns, minotaurs, gremlins, chupacabras, Bigfoots, Yetis, pegasuses (pegusi?), halflings, paladins, hobbits, UFOs, angels, imps, C.H.U.D., sandworms, nymphs, genies, wookies, hobgoblins, mole men, vampires, werewolves, talking dogs, tortillas with Jesus' face on them or tattoos you won't regret having in 10 years. Sorry, don't mean to spoil the fun or imply that life isn't a big fucking magical celebration of wonderment. I'm just trying to be realistic here.