Crushed by Dementia

That's what Rosie O'Donnell should have named her blog. We'd be like blogging twins!

But, no, she had to go and call it formerlyROSIE. The address is onceadored.blogspot.com Seriously.

Now, if you think my doing a blog post making fun of an overweight middle-aged lesbian single mom who used to be on VH1 sounds offensive or mean-spirited, please feel free to read another post. That one will probably also be offensive and mean-spirited, but it probably won't include middle-aged lesbians. Notice, I said probably.

Okay, for those of you who stayed, congrats. We have the same sense of humor.

I found Rosie's blog via this excellent Salon article about celebrity blogging. It also includes links to good celebrity blogs, like Wil Wheaton's and Jeff Bridges'. But Rosie takes the cake as the most loopy, dim-witted, cheesy celebrity blogger of them all. (Bear in mind, she's competing with Melanie Griffith, so this wasn't an easy competition.)

One thing you should probably understand...Rosie writes in free-verse half-assed poetry. Seriously. All her blog posts sound like ee cummings wrote them under heavy sedation, possibly while having brain surgery. Take this bizarre grouping of words she posted on March 16th:

I don't wanna quit, but shit,
I feel like this is it
For me to have this much appeal
like this is sick
This is not a game, this fame,
in real life this is sick

I love my fans
But no one ever puts a grasp
on the fact
i've sacrificed
everything I have

It goes on like this, people. For pages and pages.

What's she talking about? She doesn't want to be famous any more? Fine by me...but why have your own blog? I'd say a good way to keep people from talking about you all the time would be to stop posting your every fool thought on the Internet for the world to read. But maybe I'm wrong...

Entertainment is changin', intertwinin' with gangsta's
In the land of the killers, a sinner's mind is a sanctum
Holy or unholy, only have one homie
Only this one, lonely cause don't anyone know me

Oh, now I get it...She's waiting for Mos Def to invite her on "Russell Simmons' Def Poetry Jam."

This is one long post, folks. I'm quoting less than 10% of Rosie's epic verse here for your benefit.

But the end is where this turns from bad celebrity poetry into sweet, glorious music. Check this out:

his name is marshall mathers
he is an artist/ poet
superman
real

buy his cd's - read along with the songs
be still
think

and when you are ready
study tupac

When you're ready, study Tupac. This is Rosie O'Donnell, people. From daytime TV. With the koosh balls. And she's writing a blog telling people to study the albums of Tupac Shakur. There's really nothing I can write here that's more hilarious than this. I shouldn't even bother trying. I can't top Rosie raving about hip-hop...

So let's just move on to a post from that very same day. (Rosie blogs almost as much as I do.)

heres the best thing about blogs
dont read it if you hate me
do not click in find someone better
there are millions
read their blog

Well, she sure put me in my place. But can you imagine the audacity. She wants to post a blog on the World Wide Web and then restrict it to only people who like her. No negativity! Not on my blog! Bullshit, I say. If it's online, it's there for anyone who wants to read it, whether or not we care for Ms. O'Donnell's unique brand of schtick.

Personally, I don't hate Rosie O'Donnell. I've never really found her amusing, and thought her talk show was obnoxious. But there are plenty of celebrities who outdo her on the Lons' Hate-O-Meter. Let's take a look at a brief sampling, shall we?

Zach Braff

Paris Hilton

Bill O'Reilly

Jay Leno

Cedric the Entertainer

Kathie Lee Gifford (this was an obvious one)

Diane Warren (she writes all those horrible Celine Dion songs, and that Aerosmith one from Armageddon...If I saw her on the street, I might genuinely consider killing her with my bare hands)

Ryan Seacrest

And that's not even mentioning any of the bands I hate, like Linkin Park, Papa Roach, Evanescence, Sum 41, Simple Plan and Good Charlotte. I could go on like this for days.

But I don't have to. My point is clear...Rosie O'Donnell is far from the worst celebrity. But she has no right to restrict those who hate her from her blog. If you can't take the heat, get yo' ass out the blogosphere.