Wetness for the Prosecution

This link has apparently been making the rounds on the blogosphere. I'm also alerted that the woman who runs this website has been threatening to sue bloggers who are making fun of her. So, that's two good reasons I shouldn't write up a post where I mock her and her hilarious product.

But who am I kidding? I can't not make fun of a product that gets rid of vaginal wetness.

Yeah, that's what AbsorbShun does. Really. It makes a woman's vagina as rough and dry as Osama bin Laden's armpit. You know, for sex. From the website...

Is your lovemaking less satisfying because you get too wet during sex?
Do you want better sex without worry or embarrassment?
Do you want more romance, intimacy and fulfillment?
Do you want to drive men wild with a tighter vagina?
All this can be yours – with AbsorbShun natural powder.

So, does this woman not realize that the wetness is kind of the innovation that makes sex possible. Wetness is like the flux capacitor to the vagina's DeLorean, if you catch my 80's teen movie metaphor. And what woman is embarrassed when they emit fluids during intercourse? It's like being humiliated when you sweat. "Oh, my god, I'm experiencing a totally normal bodily function that everyone does when engaged in this activity. The horror!"

Also, is buying a sex juice that renders your seminal fluid more concrete-esque really a way to get rid of embarrassment? "Excuse me, honey, before we go any further, let me put on my love paste."

So, okay, this product may not make sex better. It doesn't really seem neccessary at all unless you have the Colorado River between your legs. Who doesn't want a little lube down there when the time is right?

But there's no harm in it, right? If some women enjoy being penetrated by a sticky, gritty member, that's their business. Except for some of the warnings:

Do not use with multiple partners

Use of AbsorbShun natural powder in any quantity may cause temporary tenderness and micro abrasions to the genital area.

Well, it is just temporary tenderness. And the abrasions are micro, people, come on. Although, from these symptoms, it almost sounds like something unlubricated and abrasive were being repeatedly applied to the vagina...Hmm....Interesting...

Anyway, so that's been on all the blogs this week, and I don't want to be left out, particularly when I get this many excuses to type the word "vagina."

Seriously, though, the blogs have been discussing this product all week because the business apparently donates to Christian charities. There's a theory that the whole idea of AbsorbShun is to make sex less pleasurable, so people will want to engage in it less. It seems a rather subversive way to go about this plan, however, to render sex less fun through the use of a voluntary cream that almost no one would ever want to use? Surely the vast Chrstian anti-sex conspiracy can do better than that...A new strain of AIDS or something? You guys are clever. Wow me.

This thread over at ponycow features a wide variety of weird conspiracy-type banter about AbsorbShun. I just assumed it was a dumb product made by a dumb woman who didn't quite get how sex worked, and thought that going really slow with a thick paste around your penis and vagina might feel good and not retardedly uncomfortable. But, hey, what do I know? Christians all got together to elect G. W., maybe this is the next logical step in ruining American's lives.