A Taut Political Thriller

I have thought up a terrific idea for a movie. Okay, bear in mind when you read what I'm about to say...This is an idea for a movie, not a real thing...I don't mean that what I'm about to write should actually happen. I just think it's a good idea for a fictional movie. Everybody got that? We clear? Especially anyone who might be in the Secret Service or any other governmental/shadow government agency?

Okay, good. Here's an article that's running on the AP Wire right now:

Laura Bush told Newsweek she doesn't expect that any of the celebrity chefs with books or television shows will be interested in becoming head chef at the presidential home. But she's looking to fill the job with someone who "can really showcase American foods."

See, the White House needs a new chef, specifically one who can cook good barbecue.

"Mmmm, boy, I tell you what, Laura, we gots to get us one of them chefs can cook me up some hot links, I ain't a-much for these here classy fixins." [cue fiddle music]

But, seriously, folks, the last White House chef, Walter Scheib III, has left after a tenure of 11 years and two presidents. He had the Bushes and the Clintons...Think he got sick of mac and cheese? That's my personal theory.

So, anyway, here's my movie idea. In fact, it's such a good idea, you can do it either as a taut political thriller or as a wacky fish-out-of-water comedy.

Okay, first, here's the political thriller. Once again, I'd like to stress that this is a fully fictional scenario which I would never actually plan in reality in any way. So, please, don't send me to Abu Gharib. I'll be good:

A Secret Service is contacted by a brilliant, shadowy foreign assassin, relocated to US soil. Inside information seems to indicate that the mission it to kill the President. He pauses to note that Lons of the blog Crushed By Inertia merely means this as a movie idea, not a real plan. A full-scale investigation launches, people are interviewed, background checks are done on all staff and personnel, and so on. And all the while, the agent is taunted by the sneaky assassin.

Now, I know what you're thinking. This is In the Line of Fire. But I have a twist, goddammit!

A few nights before a big State Dinner, the White House chef is taken ill and goes to the hospital. A replacement is quickly found. The agent puts the pieces together, realizing that the replacement chef is actually the killer. He bursts into the State just as the President takes a fork up to his mouth, and knocks the food away, saving the day.

But the chef escapes. During the credits, we see a news clip about the recent death-by-poisoning of the President of Some Other Country, thereby setting up a sequel.

Okay, so that's a good idea, right. But this next one's even better, if you can believe it. It's the fish-out-of-water comedy version.

The White House has a PR problem...People think the President hates French people, and they need to work with the French towards an international peace accord. (Okay, it's unrealistic, but bear with me). So, Pierre, a cultured French man and the greatest chef in France, comes to America to work as the first international Head Chef of the White House. Unfortunately, the President of America at this time is a loutish, crude Texan with no pallatte and poor table manners. Sadly, he really does hate French people (or, as he calls them, dirty Frenchie toads).

Here's the twist. Pierre secretly works with a group of European radicals, a group that does not include Lons of the blog Crushed by Inertia, and he has really come to America to kill the President!

So, after a movie spent living with and getting to know the President, Pierre comes to love him, and is unable to follow through on his plans. In the end, he winds up having an affect on the President as well, and we end with them hugging after the Prez signs the International Peace Accord.

Come on! I'd watch that movie! I'd probably have to get really stoned first, but then I'd likely watch it, or at least flip back to it during the commercials on "Blind Date."