It's Life, Jim, But Not As We Know It

I don't know if you're a big enough dork to have even heard about this, but the only current Star Trek series, UPN's poorly-rated "Enterprise," will go off the air after this season, ending a four-year run. This will mark the first time since 1987, the debut of "Star Trek: The Next Generation," that TV has lacked a single "Star Trek" series.

"Enterprise" is tied for 150th place in ratings this season, according to Nielsen Media Research.

Wow, the big 150. It can't feel good when "Tru Calling" totally kicks your ass every week. Jim Belushi's sub-moronic sitcom gets several million more viewers than this show. Ouch.

Personally, I don't care at all. While I find a good deal of camp value in original series "Star Trek," and consider myself something of a Bill Shatner fan, I've never really been into Trek. It's too preachy, wholesome, straight for my tastes. I like my science-fiction in three ways - ludicrously fun, thought-provoking and cerebral or violent and cold. Sometimes, a specific film or TV show will fit in more than one of these categories, granted. But Trek's not zany enough, a bit shallow and always, always, upbeat. It's, you know, for dorks.

But that being said, it seems odd to me that a franchise that's so iconic, so beloved in its own unique way, can't find any home at all on TV. There's so much crap on television, so much wasted time, and Trek is so cheap to produce. I mean, let's face it, Trekkies don't really require amazing special effects. "Star Trek: The Next Generation" looked like it was filmed in my childhood backyard. It has the same level of production values as the Paris Hilton sex video. Except it's more grainy.

Or, as the PR director for website TrekUnited.com Candice McCallie says:

"'Star Trek: Enterprise' ... is quality television, unlike a lot of the reality you see on TV today."

Yeah, who needs reality when you have Scott Bakula fighting The Borg? It's not even a fair fight.

Oh, of course I went to TrekUnited.com.

So far, they claim that visitors have donated $51,865 towards resurrecting the show "Star Trek: Enterprise." Yeah! That's really what they say! From the site:

All money used for the cause - TrekUnited allows fans of Star Trek: Enterprise to contribute money to sponsor the production of a fifth season by Paramount/Viacom. The contributed money is transferred to a secure account set up at ORNL Federal Credit Union which only multiple trustees can access. All contributed money is used for the cause, minus the transactional fees charged to us by Paypal/the bank (5%; any excess of fees to be donated to American Tsunami relief).

These people are donating...their hard-earned money...to a Credit Union account payable to Viacom to produce a fifth season of a television show in which they have no financial stake whatsoever.

Our mission: to boldly go where no fan campaign has gone before and actually raise the money to sponsor the continuation of Star Trek: Enterprise! We have the support of the cast and crew, and the executives of the production company, Paramount/Viacom, have expressed their willingness to talk- however, they want to see that we are capable of pulling this off.

This is completely insane. As weird as I used to think "Star Trek" fans were, this is by far the most egregious example of their collective neurological disorder.

And they're surprised they have the support of the cast, crew and Paramount executives.

"Wait, you want to raise the money to make a whole season of a TV show yourselves, and just give it to us? And all we have to do is make a few more episodes of this dumb show? Really? Um, well, okay...maybe we can think about it and get back to you."

Can't these people think of anything better to spend this money on? I mean, yes, they're donating 5% of the proceeds to tsunami relief, but does every kid in their neighborhood have new clothes, school books, a ride to school and a hot meal waiting for them when they get home? Does every elderly person have adequate living conditions? Aren't there homeless people and drug addicts and alcoholics and mentally ill people who really need help? And you're donating your money to UPN to get some more "Star Trek" on the air?

I mean, it's not like there aren't already dozens of DVD's with every episode of every "Star Trek" series on them. It's not like the shows aren't re-run in syndication, and there weren't a bunch of movies, and there won't be even more movies in the future. And let's not forget all the novels, the video games, the ride in Las Vegas, the fan fiction and the conventions that keep Star Trek fandom going. I mean, what more do these people really need? Klingon language education in the schools? Romulan Ale on tap at Dodger Stadium? Tribble insurance?