Hating on Elimidate

Our DVR television system has advantages and disadvantages. Among the advantages: never missing a television show. I went to the movies last Thursday and was unable to catch "The Apprentice," but I merely recorded it and watched it, commercial-free, at midnight when I got home. That's amazing. But the disadvantages are rather sizable. I have to share the damn thing with two roommates, and as we all now have the freedom to watch whatever we want, whenever we want, the amount of overall television consumption has skyrocketed. So I find myself watching TV shows I ordinarily might miss.

Like "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire." I watched this show, like every other American, for about two weeks after it first premiered. Then a guy, named John Carpenter I believe, won the million dollar grand prize. The world lost interest and the show disappeared into the vast barren wasteland that is daytime network television.

But anyway, the Game Show Network reruns old episodes of "Who Wants To Be a Millionaire," and my roommate records them diligently. Well, okay, it's super-easy to record an entire series like this, but that doesn't mean you should. I see so much of Regis Philbin these days, you'd think I was promoting a cookbook for busy moms on the go or something.

Another show that gets a lot of play around our apartment, thanks to the miracle of recording technology, is Elimidate. Now, I have no problem with Elimidate per se. It's a somewhat entertaining show. But watching it all the time (and I mean a few episodes a day) has begun to warp my fragile little mind.

Elimidate, for those of you with a day job and no DVR at home, is a reality dating show where one guy goes on a date with four different ladies. At the end of each section of the date, or "round," the guy cuts one girl, until by the end, he's left with only one, his dream girl.

They do versions with one girl and four guys as well, but no one wants to see that crap. Because the guys just try to impress the girl, really, and it gets boring fast.

"I have a great job and make a ton of money."

"So what? I have an even greater job, and make even more money. Plus, check out these abs!"

The girls, on the other hand, get much more competitive with one another, setting out to destroy the other girls through ridicule and harrassment. It's pretty great. You get to see shallow, manipulative, evil little wenches trying their best to tear one another apart, but really only revealing how small and empty they are inside. And if that's not entertainment, well...okay, maybe it's not entertainment, but it amuses me and my roommates to no end.

I feel like what I'm about to say is going to be misinterpreted. I do not fancy myself a genius or a great thinker by any means, bear in mind. Just a personal of reasonable, normal intellect.

But what's special about Elimidate is how it gives me the opportunity to watch morons converse. See, any conversation that involves me is neccessarily a conversation involving at least one rational, sane individual of reasonable intelligence. I don' t walk around talking about Planck's Constant all day or anything...but you get what I mean.

On Elimidate, however, all the contestants are morons. They filter out anyone with even a hint of rationality at the start. What you're left with are the slowest, silliest, most misguided people alive. They have trouble putting their thoughts into any kind of spoken language. Even when the girls attempt to pick on one another, they usually wind up repeating the same basic observation a few times and then calling the other girl a slut, a ho, a slutty ho, or a total slutbag ho.

Here's how a typical conversation on Elimidate unfolds:

"Why you wearing that shirt?"
"I design my own clothes, and I look good."
"It makes your gut stick out. You got to work on your body."
"I look good, ho."
"That shirt gives you a gut, girl. You need work, is all I'm saying."
"I'm just saying I look all good and shit. Why don't you worry about you?"
"I am worried about me. I'm just saying you got a gut."
"You're a slut."
"I am not a slut, okay? Just trying to tell you you got your stomach all sticking out."
"I look good, slut."

And you can see that each girl is really trying hard to impress us all with their wit. They work and work at being the smartest, most clever, most cutting girl on the date, but they all fail miserably. Because they're so stupid, you see.

So, that's my two cents on why I find Elimidate so engrossing. It's like watching a nature documentary. I could never see lions frolicking in the wild, because if I was standing there, it'd be lions ripping apart a small Jewish guy's corpse, not frolicking. Likewise, if I was actually involved in one of these Elimidate conversations, it would cease to work. So the only way I can truly appreciate how morons interact when I'm not around is through reality dating television.

It's a public service, really.