Nuts and Cults

Special thanks once again to my good friend Brooke, a Texan reporter/editor who has taken to sending me goofy links from all around the Internet. Today, she sent me not only the following humorous cult blog, but also a picture of one gorilla giving oral sex to another gorilla. No, I'm not going to post the picture. My grandmother reads this blog!

So, anyway, this cult blog. They just collect news stories and other ephemera associated with large cults and post it. They seem particularly interested in Scientology, L Ron Hubbard's wacko sci-fi religion. I'm not going to do a whole long post goofing on Scientologists, because most people already know that it's stupid. Plus, I've heard all the stories about people making fun of Scientologists on their websites and then being tracked down and harrassed, and I think I could do without pesky thetans or whatever those idiots call themselves.

But I couldn't resist this one item, an interview with noted Scientologist, actress and Danny Elfman niece Jenna Elfman. You may remember her as the uninhibited, free-spirited Dharma on long-running sitcom "Dharma and Greg." I don't, because I don't watch that network sitcom shit, but maybe you do...

Ms. Elfman's the cover girl for last month's issue of "Celebrity," the Scientology Magazine. Why, may I ask, is the Scientology magazine's name Celebrity? I mean, obviously their PR campaign's based largely around recruiting famous people like Elfman, John Travolta, Tom Cruise and that fat lady from the Pier One ads. But this is still a pretty silly name for a religion's magazine. I guess "Cracked" was already taken...

Before going on, I'll fill you guys in a bit on Scientology, in case you're running behind on your trendy, bullshit Hollywood religions. Tune in tomorrow for a crash course in Kaballah. So, Scientology is all about raising human potential through what they call "tech." The more knowledge of Scientology, or "tech," you amass, the higher state of consciousness you achieve. There are 8 levels of consciousness (called OT, or Operating Thetan, levels) that can be achieved. All of us sorry non-Scientologists are stuck down at one...but Dharma's already a Level 7! Plus, she gets +2 charisma.

Oh, no, wait, that's D&D. Basically, learning about "tech" consists of finding out more and more information about a specific historical event. Oh, I'll just let Cult News explain.

When Scientologists reach “OT 3” they are told “specific details” about an incident that allegedly occurred some 75 million years ago. Back then a galactic ruler named “Xenu” purportedly paralyzed people and sent them to earth in space ships. They were then arranged around a volcano and murdered with H-bombs, but their souls are still supposedly hanging around haunting humanity.

These pesky little ghosts are called “Body Thetans” or “BTs.”

Remember, this was a religion invented by a bad science fiction author.

So, Jenna's a Level 7, she says. And there's only 8 levels. Wouldn't that make her some sort of great sage? I mean, she's only one level away from total spiritual enlightenment. Doesn't that make her, like, a semi-diety. In most Asian countries, once you've reached 7 out of 8 levels of enlightenment, they start building statues of you. (Oh, I kid the Asian countries...)

And Scientologists believe that little ghosts called BT's follow you around and try to bring you down. Yeah, that sounds about right. You'd come to that conclusion just walking around any American city, really.

Before I go, here's one last little bit of crazy from the star of Keeping the Faith and Looney Tunes: Back in Action, Ms. Jenna Elfman.

“If we want to clear this planet, we've got to know and apply this tech. It's just a rule. It just is…I can't even emphasize it enough. It's just truth. You can't go beyond truth, it just is…if you want to Keep Scientology Working, you need to do the PTS/SP Course. Either that or you could be dead. You pick.”

It's a rule, people. You can't go beyond truth. And the truth is, Body Thetans, descended from aliens destroyed by H-bombs while standing on a volcano, are haunting humanity. And only by giving millions of dollars to David Miscavige can you make them go away.