Reality TV Round-Up

I hate people who deny that they like television. You know, you're talking to a group of people about how great America's Next Top Model was last week, and that one snot in the group has to mouth off with their cliched "television sucks" rant. Generic "television sucks" ranters are, fortunately, easily identified:

- They gratuitously include mention of how SUPER-BUSY they are, so they just DON'T HAVE TIME to watch TV. "Oh, well, now that I'm pulling double-shifts at the sanitation plant AND doing that gun maintenance correspondence course, I just don't have the half-hour a week to follow Curb Your Enthusiasm."

- The person will talk about how they inadvertently gave up television and have no come to love their newfound freedom. As if television is an addicted substance, and the rest of us who enjoy an occasional episode of The Ashlee Simpson Show are in its thrall like crackheads nervously tonguing the resinated end of a hot crack pipe.

- They will pretend not to know anything about what's going on in television, even if its been widely discussed in every other piece of media, as well as in approximately 90% of the week's small-talk conversations. "Scott Peterson? Who's THAT? Oh, I don't have time to follow trials. I'm doing eight concurrent 10k runs this weekend!"

Don't let these people dissuade you from enjoying reality TV!

Remember: Even a decent reality show is better than almost anything fictional TV has to offer. Don't get me wrong - a good scripted show is a great thing. I love South Park, The Simpsons, Family Guy, The Sopranos, Six Feet Under, the aforementioned Curb and others. But reality TV gets a lot of undue heat, as if all the shows were as pathetic as Temptation Island. Well, they're not. And Temptation Island wasn't all bad, either.

Wow, that's a lot of writing already for what was supposed to just be the humorous lead-in to this article about my favorite reality shows. So, no time for segues! Here are my favorite reality shows:

The Apprentice

This is arguably the best reality show of all time. I think it's the casting, but The Donald also exemplifies one of the odd rules of reality television. The more ridiculously ego-maniacal and annoying the host, the better the show. Don't believe me? Try Making the Band 2, with your host P. Diddy, or Top Model, with the bizarrely self-adoring Tyra Bands. Or even the new and delightfully amusing Big Fat Obnoxious Boss, which intentionally takes this rule to its next logical level, basing a whole reality show around a fictional executive asshole.

The Real World/Road Rules Battle of the Sexes 2

Except for the name, which I feel ridiculous even typing, this is a killer show. I haven't been keeping up with MTV enough to know who all these young, attractive neuroses collections are, but they're very entertaining to watch as they attempt to tear one another to shreds for a chance to win a cheesy video phone. No, seriously, they're competing to eventually win $50,000, but the money's not the point. It's the unwarranted hostility. And watching it on TV is a great way to avoid working it out in your own daily life.

Plus, the fact that the show gives away video phones is hilarious to me. That's technology that never caught on, right? Now we all have cell phones with cameras on them instead. Why is some company still tapping this market? Do they sell laserdisc players and that astronaut ice cream, too?

EDITOR'S NOTE: I went to high school with Veronica from Road Rules, who currently appears on this show. I demonstrate no favoritism towards her by including the show on this list. I was not popular in high school, and did not ever get to know her very well.

The Ashlee Simpson Show

Yeah, I know, it's off the air. But this was the best reality show ever. At least, it included some of the reality show dialogue highlights of all time, such as this nugget from Ashlee's boyfriend/confidant/best friend Ryan Cabrera after seeing her first live performance:

"You've made me re-invent myself as an artist"

I mean, that's just good stuff. All Music Guide informs me that Cabrera himself became passionate about music "after hearing Dave Matthews." These people were born to be on television.

MTV, I know you say you've cancelled the show, but in light of the Saturday Night Live debacle and the overall devotion of Ashlee's hardcore fanbase, can't you please reconsider giving Ashlee the $500 million she'd certainly demand for a Season 2?

Family Bonds

Where did HBO find the Evangelista Family? Speaking of people born to be on television...

They argue, they get plastic surgery, they argue some more, and then they go catch perps attempting to skip bail. All the camera guys have to do is follow them around, and you have a show. It doesn't hurt that father Tom is such a funny, aggressive guy, or that his nephew Chris an insecure, overweight bundle of quirks, either. Or that their aging wives gather at the Classy Lady nail boutique to discuss the sensitivity of their respective clitorises.

Which brings me to the real question I've been leading up to for this entire piece:

Is it clitorises or clitori?