There's Only One Man Who Would Dare Give Me the Raspberry...

The Golden Raspberry Awards honor the worst Hollywood films of the year, as judged by a bunch of weirdos who intentionally watch a lot of mainstream pap for no good reason. (This year's big winner was I Know Who Killed Me). It's interesting that they tend to focus on infamous flops (like Showgirls) or obviously terrible films for pre-adolescents (like one of this year's big nominees, Bratz). The Razzies aren't so much about films that are surprisingly terrible, where you actually go see it thinking it will be good. They basically poke fun at the shit that everyone already knows is shit, like Epic Movie and anything starring Paris Hilton. (Look for The Hottie and the Nottie to make a big splash at next year's show.)

I attended the festivities this morning in Santa Monica for Mahalo Daily, and let me tell you...I felt right at home in this crowd. There's a certain type of comedy event that draws exclusively dudes who look like me: overweight, balding bearded guys. When I went to see Tenacious D with my brother at the Wiltern, it was like getting lost in a sea of Lons. I felt like I had crawled inside my own John Malkovich portal. And again at the Razzies, I felt right at home. (A woman from Hong Kong TV actually came up and interviewed me, probably because I looked so much like I belonged there. She didn't even seem to care that I had a microphone and was hosting my own podcast at the time.) In Los Angeles, I'm so rarely able to disappear into a crowd. I saw a photo of me at a party not long ago, and it looked like some idiot had cast Dave Attel in a remake of The Breakfast Club. It's like attractive-fresh-faced-youngster, attractive-fresh-faced-youngster, attractive-fresh-faced-younger, middle-aged-methadone-addict-with-an-eating-disorder. One of these things is not like the other.

Anyway, back to the Razzies.

It's about an hour-long "ceremony" in which Razzie cast members (pretty much an improv comedy group) dramatically read reviews of shit-terrible movies and run clips from them, then announce random winners chosen by some online poll or something.

This year's Worst Picture nominees were Daddy Day Camp, I Know Who Killed Me, Norbit, Bratz: The Movie and I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry. I think the biggest problem with the show from an entertainment standpoint is that these same movies are nominated in pretty much every category. (I Know Who Killed Me won an all-time record 7 Razzies, including Worst Picture). I mean, it makes sense in a way...If you think Daddy Day Camp is the worst movie of the year (and I haven't seen it, but you're most likely on the right track), it's probably because you think it had the worst screenplay and the worst performances.

But still...it starts to seem like a pile-on after a while. A full hour of grown adults complaining about Norbit feels like overkill. I'm sure it's bad, but what the hell did you expect? Why did you see Norbit in the first place? I see a lot of bad movies, but I knew enough to avoid Norbit.

After the actual ceremony, I did a brief interview with the creator of the Razzies (the HeadBerry, as he's called) John Wilson. He's a very nice guy who looks a lot like Roger Ebert with a beard, and because I get a bit brave and kind of stupid when there's a camera on, I made sure to mention that observation right of the bat, just to make sure I offended him immediately, in case he was going to give me an interesting interview or something. (He was actually very cool and took my abuse in stride).

I asked him about Halle Berry coming to accept her award personally for Catwoman a few years back, and I wish we could put the entire answer into the podcast. (There won't be time). The awards themselves may be about taking cheap shots at the same starlets Perez and TMZ pick on every day, but this guy obviously has a deep affection for schlock cinema, and I can of course respect that. I've seen Can't Stop the Music on more than one occasion. Projected theatrically. Once as part of a double feature with The Apple. And let me tell you, Lindsay Lohan's got nothin' on The Village People.


I'll post the Razziecast whenever we release it this week.

Artie Lange Death Watch

Wow...Artie Lange does not seem to being doing well. Check out his reaction when Conan asks him about his recent sick days from the "Howard Stern Show."



The best part of this clip is not even Artie's drug jokes, which only go over half the time. It's Conan's barely-concealed terror at having a guest who only wants to tell "the last time I did crystal meth" anecdotes. Somehow, I'm thinking this wasn't brought up at his pre-interview.

[Hat tip: Defamer]

It Could Have Been Me...

You can't quote FDR! That's totally my idea!

Barack Obama's been getting all the good press lately, and ScarJo has made a YouTube video praising him, but I still kind of thought Hillary Clinton would get the nomination for President until today.

No significant votes or delegate-related matters happened today. However, the Clinton campaign must have in its possession some truly ugly numbers regarding their candidate's prospects. That's the only way I can explain their line latest line of Obama attack , among the most intensely lame and desperate political arguments imaginable.

We shouldn't vote for Obama because he's a plagiarist!



Wow..."You can't quote FDR! That's totally my idea!"

It's possible Obama saw Deval Patrick's speech and responded to similar allegations in the same way, but I'd hardly go so far as to call this plagiarism. This is once again Clinton trying to play Karl Rove. Obama's giving all these big powerful oratories and energizing a lot of younger voters and it's giving him big last-minute surges in a lot of primaries, so she's trying to turn her weakness (inability to out-inspire Obama) in a strength ("well, at least my speeches are original!")

I think even Karl Rove might feel like this argument's a little thin. You can besmirch the military service of John Kerry because it happened decades ago and very few people actually witnessed it in person. We have videotape of Deval Patrick and Barack Obama and can decide for ourselves whether or not one of them stole a speech from the other.

Also, Deval Patrick is alive and well and saying stuff like this:

"Senator Obama and I are long-time friends and allies. We often share ideas about politics, policy and language. The argument in question, on the value of words in the public square, is one about which he and I have spoken frequently before. Given the recent attacks from Senator Clinton, I applaud him responding in just the way he did."

Oops.

So, the only thing I can conclude from the Clinton campaign's accusation of "plagiarism" is that they know a huge loss is imminent and are throwing up a Hail Mary, attacking their opponent any way they can and praying something will stick. Color me surprised.

Michael Bay Demonstrates Signs of Possessing Sense of Humor...Scientists Baffled...

If Michael Bay is funny, why is all the comedy in all his films so completely tone-deaf? Perhaps some assistant whom he trusts just informed him this was funny, much as a translator might discreetly inform his boss that the Premier of Slovakia has issued another one of his trademark bon mots and a twitter of amusement might be an appropriate reaction.

Either way, it made me laugh:



[Found via Best Week Ever]

Fear and Loathing in Hyrule

Maybe I need to start watching Boing Boing's podcast more often. This edition of 8-bit cinema combines Legend of Zelda, Rad Racer and Hunter S. Thompson. It's brilliant:

Senioritis?

Like sexism and racism, ageism can be pernicious. So I don't think his advanced age is a good enough reason to not vote for John McCain, even though he would be the oldest man we've ever elected to the presidency. If he was still sharp, and you felt he was the best man for the job, and he'd nominated a vice-president who you felt was competent enough to take over for him should he die in office, I don't see a problem.

However, when he starts saying this like this (from a CNN transcript today, found via Digby), it may be time for the GOP to start considering other options NOW. You really want to run a massive presidential campaign for a guy who forgets how public school works on national TV?

Also, I do not believe in mandates. I believe that every American should have affordable and available health care and I'd like to talk just an additional minute about that. But I'm not going to mandate that they do. I want every American to have affordable and available education. But I'm not going to mandate that they do.

But that's...actually exactly what we do with education. We mandate that you get it, at least until you're, what, 16? 17? I mean, you don't necessarily have to go to public school, but you have to do enroll in some kind of verifiable education process. We even have a word for people who avoid this process - truants.

This isn't just a slip of the tongue, mind you. He's using this example to argue against legally mandating health insurance. So are we to assume that his argument is based on a fallacy? Or that this isn't the real reason he opposes health care mandates, and he's simply using it to disguise some ulterior motive. Neither is attractive for a presidential candidate.

Forgetting Sarah Marshall

[NOTE: This film opens in April. I got a chance to check out an early screening this week. The final film may end up being different from the cut I watched.]

Forgetting Sarah Marshall is the latest in a constant stream of movies emanating from Judd Apatow. It was directed by "Undeclared" writer Nicholas Stoller, and only produced by Apatow, but it's an obvious cousin of Superbad, The 40 Year Old Virgin and especially Knocked Up.

At Mahalo the other day, we discussed whether Apatow's motley team of comic actors has a "Pack" name yet. Rat Pack, Frat Pack...what comes next? I'd propose Whack Pack, because all of their films glorify unfuckable nerds, but Howard Stern's already using that one. Other suggestions are welcome.

Anyway, like all the other Packs that have come before them, the Whack Pack's schtick has started to wear thin after only a few films. There's an unrelenting sameness to these movies, beyond the similarities of their protagonists. (Apatow has defined his genre as "nerdy guys with hot chicks," and Sarah Marshall proudly carries on this tradition.)

The concept of melding the subversive fun of gross-out/stoner humor with the sweetness of a screwball romance is a really good one, but Apatow just kind of puts these two styles side-by-side in his movies rather than really letting them play off of one another. (Compare that to the Farrelly's Something About Mary, still a better film than any from Apatow's collection, where the gross-out shock scene inform the main action...Mary's such a cool chick because she'll overlook things like her date lighting her neighbor's dog aflame or getting his semen in her hair).

Sarah Marshall, I think, represents something of a tipping point for Judd & Co. It's certainly not a bad film, and it's far far far more likable and funny than the atrocious Apatow-produced Walk Hard from last year. But like that painful dud, Sarah Marshall is lazy and formulaic and predictable, implying that this sudden, massive outpouring of material from Apatow's R-Rated Comedy Factory may have depleted the man's reserve of funny.



The writer-star of Sarah Marshall, Jason Segel, first worked with Apatow on the awesome "Freaks and Geeks," and popped up in a supporting role in Knocked Up. He works fairly well as the romantic lead here, and seems as capable as Apatow or Seth Rogen at penning dick jokes, but I'm still convinced he's better used as a wacky supporting character. (He was fantastic in "Undeclared" as Carla Gallo's creepy ex-boyfriend Eric).

Segel plays Peter Bretter, a composer for the TV show "Crime Scene: Scene of the Crime," starring his girlfriend, Sarah Marshall (Kristen Bell), as a no-nonsense homicide detective. (The brief clips we get from "Crime Scene," a biting send-up of "CSI," are among the film's highlights).

When Sarah dumps Peter for the ludicrous British rock star Aldous Snow (Russell Brand), he pretty much falls to pieces. A string of painful one-night stands (including one with Gallo) convinces Peter that he needs a change of scenery, so he jets off to Hawaii. Regrettably, he realizes, immediately after checking in with the cute girl at the front desk (Mila Kunis), that Sarah and her new beau are staying at the very same Hawaiian resort.

(A brief note here about Kunis, who's cute but somewhat forgettable in the film and whom I probably won't bring up again...She has a terrible-looking fake tan. Atrocious. I get that she's not normally tan, and that her character's supposed to live in Hawaii, but couldn't she have just arrived on the set a week early and gotten a real tan? She looks orange here, and it's shocking to me that a major movie studio with millions of dollars can't get an actress a healthy, natural tan.)

From about 15 minutes in, you can pretty much see all of the plot developments coming. Peter cries a lot about his break-up, then slowly discovers that life still has a lot to offer, even without his famous celebrity girlfriend. He flirts with the front desk girl, he forms a few friendships with some of the resort's employees and guests, he learns a little bit about himself and so forth.

I expect a romantic comedy to have a familiar storyline, but what makes Sarah Marshall tiresome is that most of the jokes themselves, the "shenanigans" if you will, come off as familiar and perfunctory. Bill Hader (a Superbad veteran), for example, tries his best to make Peter's brother-in-law, with whom he videochats on his laptop, memorable in his few scenes, but I wasn't even sure I understood the concept behind his character. He's uptight? He loves his wife?

I saw Apatow moderate a Q&A with Daniel Day-Lewis and P.T. Anderson last year, and had the same feeling watching him on stage that I had watching this movie. Weary of ceaseless, sophomoric dick, vag and gay jokes. Nonplussed by shock humor. Ready for something new.

Segel's script tries to separate itself from the pack by including less fratboy humor while including more nudity (mostly male) and frank, overt sexuality. I'd say it works about half the time. He gets big laughs for playing a long, dramatic sequence in the buff. And Kristen Bell's very hot and funny, so I won't complain about a montage of her and Brand in a variety of acrobatic sexual positions, even though I doubt she'd wear a bra throughout that kind of lovemaking marathon. A sub-plot with "30 Rock" star Jack McBrayer as a virgin unable to pleasure his new bride, however, misses "comedy" entirely and heads straight for "cringe-worthy and uncomfortable."

Like most comedies that only work 50-75% of the time, Forgetting Sarah Marshall wears out its welcome, and an extended sequence near the end in which Peter performs his Dracula rock opera could seriously be lost altogether. (It's supposed to be really ridiculous and campy, but that doesn't mean we want to see a whole lot of it at the end of an already-long comedy). I sense that most audiences who will see the movie will like it, because they're fans of the actors and the style and because it's good enough to keep your interest. But I'm also starting to doubt that Apatow will be able to keep this pace up for more than another year or so, and whether or not I will ever again be excited to see one of his movies. Maybe the whole point is to make as much as possible for a few years and then take off for Hawaii himself.

Mike Huckabee's Curriculum Vitae

CONTACT INFORMATION
Mike Huckabee
Former Arkansas Governor
1-800-GET-HUCK

SUMMARY STATEMENT
I believe it's a lot easier to change the constitution than it would be to change the word of the living God, and that's what we need to do is to amend the Constitution so it's in God's standards rather than try to change God's standards.

EDUCATION
Ouachita Baptist University
M.A. in Miracles (Minored in Angelic Studies)
Dissertation: "Is Miracle Whip Technically a Miracle"?

Southwestern Baptist Seminary
No degree received
Major Course of Study: Monsterology
Significant Papers: "Werewolves and Mummies: A Study in Contrasts," "For the last time, Frankenstein is the name of the scientist! The monster doesn't have a name!"

I Can't Believe It's Not Harvard
B.S. in Intelligent Design
Significant Papers: "Bananas and Peanut Butter: Not just Elvis' favorite sandwich combination, but an atheist's worst nightmare"

Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry
Emphasis: Potions

FELLOWSHIPS
The Brotherhood of Evil Mutants
The Fellowship of the Ring

PUBLICATIONS / BOOKS
That one about how I used to be fat
"The Five People You'll Meet in Hell"
"Eat, Pray, Love, Pray, Shit, Pray, Work Out, Pray, Sleep, Pray, Pray, Pray"
"Running for President for Dummies"

The Mind Boggles

What's wrong with Michelle Malkin? I mean, for real. Beyond just being a cruel nativist simpleton.



Ill-advised doesn't really begin to cover it. Aside from the atrocious singing voice and the amateurish piano-playing ability, Malkin demonstrates approximately zero understanding of satire.

The song is supposed to make fun of Hillary's tendency to cry on the day before big votes. I'll state plainly right here: a parody song about this could be funny. I don't know Hillary personally, so I really can't say for certain that he tears are inauthentic, but it certainly does seem coincidental that she's always so overcome with emotion right when she wants Americans to feel sympathetic towards her. I bring this up only to make it clear from the beginning - I do not object to Malkin's attempt to poke fun of Hillary Clinton's phoniness. She strikes me as a phony, so I'm not insulted that someone would accuse her of being a phony (though I think the video does a poor job of making this case).

But in order to mock Clinton's tears, you actually have to do something other than point out the fact that she cries. That's not mockery. That's just pointing out. The lyrics of the song aren't funny, and frequently don't make sense. ("Even Clintons have a right to dream"? Doesn't that contradict the song's entire critique, that the Clintons are both amoral schemers who would do anything to achieve their dreams of power and political success?) There are no jokes. At one point, Malkin simply sings all the names of the states with remaining Democratic primaries. Ha ha.

And the visuals are just scanned newspaper and magazine clippings, reminding us over and over again that, yes, Hillary Clinton cried. Warbling painfully over a mundane little melody on YouTube doesn't make Hillary look crazy or foolish. It makes Michelle Malkin look crazy and foolish. Which is the opposite of the intended purpose.

Plus, do Republicans really think it's funny or clever or significant that Barack Obama's middle name is Hussein? He speaks frequently and passionately about his Christian faith, so Michelle, who follows politics for a living certainly know he's not really Muslim. (Not that I wouldn't enthusiastically vote for a Muslim if I felt that he or she were the best candidate. But this is the basis of Republican attempts to tag Obama with the name "Hussein." He's one o' them crazy A-rabs what wants to blows us all to kingdom come cause they hates our freedoms.) Therefore, I must conclude that she thinks it's funny, which explains why she's so woefully inept at comedy video production.

[Hat tip, Tbogg]

Happy Valentimes

Despite only featuring me in a brief cameo, today's Mahalo Daily is both funny and awesome:

Double Talk Express?

I follow this guy Cliff on Twitter, and he made a comment about a half hour ago that "Democrats always make things complicated." And I thought, "well, sometimes things are complicated." And that's when I realized he was probably right.

Republicans don't do nuance. I worked at a bookstore with this conservative, very religious guy once, and he told me that he believed that life was entirely binary. Things are either good or bad, black or white. There is no gray.

"But haven't you ever felt like you loved someone and hated them at the same time?," I asked.

"No, that's just a misleading emotion. Deep down, I actually love them or hate them."

We went on like that for a while. The thing is, he's EXTREMELY INCORRECT. Very few things in life are that easy. But, because we remain a rather primitive species in the geologic sense, this faulty reasoning makes a certain amount of common sense to us. It feels like life is this way, or at least, it feels like life ought to be this way - full of clear-cut decisions, well-lit paths and simple truths.

Which is why George Bush can get away with speaking only in these terms, every day, for eight years. (Bush's worldview is so over-simplified and childish, he perpetually sounds as if he's describing his foreign policy to an elementary school class. "America had to go give some of the Bad People a Time Out but if they promise to be good and learn how to share, they can rejoin the rest of the group.")

So what I'm saying is, if you ask a Democrat what to do about a war, you get some long-winded bloviations about strategies, externalities to consider and nitpicky details. Most of it's bullshit anyway, but there's effort made to make the bullshit sound reasonable. But ask a Republican about war and you'll just get some Fantasyland abstraction. "We must be ever-vigilant in our fight against those who would threaten the sanctity of our homeland and assail our way of life."

Now take a look at this anti-McCain ad:



It's good, right? I mean, it uses his own words to make him look stupid, always an effective technique. But I don't really think you need to try this hard to make McCain look stupid. I think the ideal anti-McCain ad might just be that video of him promising to stay in Iraq for 10,000 years. Just play that, no text, no subtitles, and then we hear "I'm Barack Obama, I approved this message and I'm as dumbfounded as you are."

That's seriously all you need. Simple. Old Man Love War. Young Man Prefer Compromise. Obama '08.

My First Commentary Track!

Because what's a classy foreign film without a self-congratulatory audio commentary?

Ceci n'est pas une blog post

Today's Mahalo Daily just might be the best thing ever. Seriously, a MUST SEE for film fans, and not just because it features me and my brother.

Just Another Darwin Day

So, former game show host and present Nixon apologist Ben Stein has a new film out in which he argues that God-talk is forcibly kept out of the classroom by jackbooted professorial thugs, possibly linked up with this whole Liberal Fascism movement I keep hearing so much about...

Here's how he described Expelled on his new...sigh...blog:

In a scientific world gone mad, EXPELLED: No Intelligence Allowed is the controversial documentary that will chronicle Ben Stein’s confrontation with the Neo-Darwinian machine, exposing widespread suppression and entrenched discrimination in his heroic quest to bring back freedom in our institutions, laboratories and most importantly, in our classrooms, with the help of the world’s top scientists, educators and thinkers.

I've got to say, it's pretty ballsy to come right out and call your Creationism documentary No Intelligence Allowed. This is the easiest punchline for critics and satirists since the heydey of '90s alt-rock mainstay Garbage.

You've also got to love the epic language with which Stein describes his bitchy academic slapfight. "You big meanies won't give my nonsensical bullshit beliefs the same weight as your rigorously-tested scientific theories!" suddenly becomes "Let My People Go!" I mean, his confrontation with the Neo-Darwinian machine? Is that "machine" anything like a large, disconnected group of angry nerds with mild superiority complexes? Seriously, his heroic quest to bring back freedom in our institutions? Freedom to believe made-up fake shit? This is too much...

The whole blog is chock full of complete dumbfuckery. I can't imagine how silly the movie is going to be. I mean, say what you will about Ben Stein...I enjoyed (and once appeared on) his game show. His single scene in Ferris Bueller is mildly amusing. Those Clear Eyes commercials weren't the worst thing I've ever seen. Um, he's probably not the single most oily douchebag from the Nixon administration...

But strong, well-reasoned argumentation has never been his strong suit. Attentive readers will recall his unspeakably distasteful, sociopathic reaction to Hurricane Katrina. The main post on the site right now is about how Charles Darwin's birthday has supplanted Lincoln's birthday in the "imagination" of Americans. (They were both born on the same day: February 12, 1809). Which, of course, is not true. Like most people who believe evolution is essentially correct, I couldn't have told you Charles Darwin's birthday off the top of my head.

But Stein doesn't stop with mere mendacity. Check this out:

The title of Charles Darwin’s book is not “The Origin of The Species.” The full title seems shocking: “On the Origin of Species by Means of Natural Selection, or the Preservation of Favoured Races in the Struggle for Life.” That last half of the title, often overlooked, sounds like it could come straight out of a Ku Klux Klan manual - which is precisely why Big Science rarely quotes the full title (even though Darwin was not referring specifically to “man” in his use of the words “favoured races.”). Big Science is uncomfortable with even the suggestion that evolutionary theory might favor politically incorrect thinking.

This is some intensely intellectually dishonest writing right here. Stein essentially acknowledges that his analysis is incorrect. Darwin used the term "favoured races" in a way that had nothing to do with our current ideas about racial diversity in humans. Then he just goes ahead and discusses implications of his incorrect analysis anyway. I mean...what? That's the opposite of how persuasive argumentation works. You establish a premise and then back it up with evidence, guy.

Darwinian evolution theory is a viable scientific theory. Author of The God Delusion Richard Dawkins has stated that Darwin’s evolution theory has provided atheists with “intellectual fulfillment.” If you grant that, then you must also grant that it has given a great many racists “intellectual fulfillment,” too.

Because...some racists...many years ago...were inspired and comforted by elements of Darwin's theories...that means they are wrong? Or it means they are right, but so toxic, we should pretend they are wrong? W

Ben Stein is an old man, and I'm pretty sure a reasonably intelligent middle-school student could unravel this argument. I mean, it's not like racists have exclusively used evolution to justify their racism. They'll use any means to justify it they can think of. What about religion? Ann Coulter said we should go kill the leaders of Middle Eastern countries and convert the people to Christianity, not Secular Humanism. That mean we should give up on Christianity? Hey, Ann Coulter used it in a racist context!

What a child this man is. If you want to be super-super-religious, go for it. No one's telling you not to. But why do strangers have to justify your belief system to you? If Ben Stein's answer really is The Truth, then Science will come around to it eventually through the standard process of hypothesis and experimentation. He knows that won't happen, so he has to cheat, to bully and pester people into accepting his unique brand of ignorant twaddle.

But cheating is all Stein knows how to do. A little box on his website features insulting snippets from comments/e-mails from detractors and reads: "Intelligent Quote of the Day!" Rather than present arguments from his critics and then take them on honestly in the forthright manner that might spark an actual dialogue, he prefers to cherry-pick substance-free insults and present them as the sole opposition. See, I must make a lot of sense if all these hysterics come here unprovoked and insult me! What a loser.

[Hat tip: Sadly No]

The Return of Raimi?

I miss Sam Raimi. His movies weren't always classics (though a few of them, particularly Evil Dead 2, could actually be described as such). But they were always fun and above all daring. Films like Darkman and Quick and the Dead aren't exactly award-worthy, but they were fueled by a manic desire to entertain: even when they didn't work, they were interesting failures.

But the last film that felt authentically Raimi-esque was 2000's The Gift. Ever since, he's been embroiled in this underwhelming Spider-Man franchise. Yes, yes, some of the effects are nice, and Alfred Molina's good in Part 2, but I think The Fanboy Nation should be capable of admitting the truth at this late point...they're pretty crappy movies, especially Part 1 but especially Part 3.

So hearing about his next project, the brilliantly-titled Drag Me To Hell, brought a smile to my face this morning. The synopsis according to IMDb: "An unsuspecting person becomes the recipient of a supernatural curse." Sounds vaguely familiar...but I'll take it.

And Harry Knowles is reporting that "unsuspecting person" will be played by Juno star Ellen Page. Page stepping in for Bruce Campbell, huh? I'm intrigued...

Damn You Paparazzo!

I don't post often about the very public mental collapse of Britney Spears, because there are plenty of other websites happy to provide a minute-by-minute breakdown of her breakdown. But I have to say...this kind of treatment 24-7 would make me batshit insane as well:



That's not trying to take her picture. That's just taunting her, middle-school style. I know these guys say they're just doing their job to excuse the taking photos part, but how do they excuse the sneering, needlessly cruel attitudes? It takes a bunch to make me feel sorry for a billionaire pop princess, but here we are.

About These Rebate Checks...

Surely you've heard that the government's gonna send us all a big ol' economy boosting check. It's pretty exciting. I'm-a get me a new Xbox game.

There have been some objections to this plan to delay the eventual crash. One of the Republicans running for President, I think it was Ron Paul, brought up the uncharacteristically sane point that a lot of this money will be spent on foreign goods (say broken, poisonous shit from China?), helping other people's economy more than ours. Tbogg here makes the case that giving money away to financially comfortable people almost ensured it will be socked away for a rainy day and thus do the economy very little good.

I haven't heard anyone make what is, to me, kind of an obvious point...how much of this money will get spent on drugs? A know a whole lot of people who will take a check from the government for $600 and immediately spend it on narcotics. That money'll give something a boost...but I can't promise it will be the Dow.

The Unrentables: Copper Mountain

The Unrentables were DVD's we had in our collection at Laser Blazer for more than 2 years that had never rented, not once. Unfortunately, as I no longer work at a video store, I rarely get a chance to review an "unrentable" any more. That is, until my friend Adam suggested I Netflix Cooper Mountain, a 1983 comedy in which buddies Jim Carrey and Alan Thicke (!) hit the slopes and try to get laid. Yes, I also thought it sounded like Dumb and Dumber. But this one came out in 1983, so technically the Farrellys are ripping David Mitchell off.

THE UNRENTABLES: VOLUME #4
Director: David Mitchell
IMDb Rating: 1.5

First off, I have to say, this is the worst-quality DVD transfer I've ever seen. It looks like it was recorded on a first-generation VCR over a "Circus of the Stars" rerun, then transferred on to DVD using a Commodore 64. Plus, I think it's in Mono.

Apparently, the name of the movie is not Copper Mountain, as the Netflix sleeve indicated. It's actually called, I swear, Copper Mountain (A Club Med Experience). Remind me to punch Adam in the back of the head next time I see him.

I think this theme song includes the lyric "I can hear the sound of my heart on fire." What the hell does that mean?

WOW, Jim Carrey is young here. He and Alan Thicke make an odd pairing for a buddy comedy. Actually, Alan Thicke would make an odd pairing with just about anyone in a buddy comedy. "Alan Thicke and Larry the Cable Guy are...Airport Security! Checking your bag is never a drag. Coming this Fall." Oh, shit, someone get my agent on the phone. And, um, get me an agent.

Thicke and Carrey have some excited banter about "taking Club Med by storm" during the rest of the opening credits. Carrey does an impression here of someone, but damned if I recognize it. I was, after all, only 5 years old when this film came out. Maybe it was Frank Gorshin.

Man, the sound on this DVD is truly, exquisitely awful. I'm listening to the thing on my computer with goddamn headphones and I can barely make out what Alan Thicke is saying. Perhaps Joe's House of Chicken Wings and DVD Audio Mastering is doing me a favor not letting me hear the dialogue, but it's kind of frustrating.

So the guys arrive at a Club Med ski resort and sort of generally mill about for a while. Ronnie Hawkins Band is apparently playing at the club, and Carrey does a really terrible Sammy Davis Jr. impression for them. Actually, it's not just an impression. He sings the entire song "Mr. Bojangles" in a bad Sammy Davis Jr. voice. Head, meet desk.

Carrey's charming Rat Pack fantasy is interrupted by Ronnie Hawkins, who feels the band is not country, not "humpty dumpty" enough for his tastes to use his own terminology, but all is well after they play Credence's "Lodi" together.

We're 10 minutes into Copper Mountain...not a single character has been introduced nor plot initiated, and now I'm watching an Alan Thicke stand-in wipe out on a slalom run. "That ain't no waterbed," he says as he stands up, covered in snow. Cue riotous laughter.

Oh, you don't get it? You see, we find out in the next scene that he's a waterbed salesman! Yeah, I didn't know jokes worked retroactively like that either, but it's in Copper Mountain, so it must be right.

Carrey is now doing a Steve Martin bit for two girls in a hot tub. I haven't seen a comedy try to milk impressions this hard since Dana Carvey's brief foray into feature films. Anyone remember that master class, Clean Slate?

So now, Thicke has challenged the club's bartender, Yogi, to a skiing race. He keeps calling him "Corky," condescendingly, but it can't be a "Life Goes On" reference, because that didn't start for a few years after this. Why is the name Corky, pre-TV reference, more silly than the name Yogi, which already had a silly pop culture reference point? I felt a little bit of actual hope, as it appeared for a moment that this Thicke-racing-Yogi thing might turn into an actual story, but it's 10 minutes later already and nothing additional has happened.

Instead, we get some scenes in which Carrey tells some women that he's a loser who can't meet women. I think it might be the constant lame, pathetic, sub-Robin Williams schtick he's throwing at everyone it earshot, but it could also be that he's constantly telling women that he's a loser who can't meet them.

After we wait through this horror and get to race day, we still don't get a ski race before we get another several songs from Ronnie Hawkins. Including a fucking "Lodi" encore! I mean, are you kidding me? The movie's less than a half hour old and I'm watching my third Credence cover by Ronnie Hawkins? It's like David Mitchell using the mechanics of moviemaking to cockpunch me. Maybe this is the kind of cinematic violence politicians are always railing against.

Wait...wait...Ronnie's now introducing some other musicians. Are there going to be more fucking songs? I thought this was a skiing comedy! It's like watching a Ronnie Hawkins concert in the mountains that some cruel bastard has recorded. Seriously, there's some chick on stage singing "One Fine Day" now. I'VE BEEN RONNIE ROLLED! Frankly, I would have expected more from The Hawk.

There's a scene on a ski lift with a husband and wife, or maybe it's a father and daughter. She wants to leave the mountains and he's asking her to stay. Who the hell are these people? What happened to the main characters? The entire movie has turned into a Ronnie Hawkins concert populated by strangers. (The scene ends with the couple making out, so I guess it's the husband and wife. That or "David Mitchell" is the name under which Bernardo Bertolucci directs ski comedy-musicals).

Finally, FINALLY, the ski race starts. I realize now that the rest of this movie is so fucking boring, I've been eagerly anticipating a ski race featuring Alan Thicke and a fat guy named Yogi. Britney Spears lifestyle choices are seem more and more reasonable all the time.

After an uneventful race, we get more music with Ronnie Hawkins' Band. This is Volume #4 of The Unrentables and, for the first time, I'm seriously considering turning the movie off. Has Copper Mountain finally broken my gentle spirit? Is this the end of The Unrentables?

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No! I will fight on!

Some French skiier named Jean-Claude Killy is going on a helicopter ride to the top of a particularly high slope. The pilot lists off his skiing accomplishments, pretty much into the camera, in case we weren't sufficiently impressed by the name "Jean-Claude Killy." I'm pretty sure this is the last we will ever see of this guy in the movie. The producers just wanted us to know that...yeah...they can get both Ronnie Hawkins and Jean-Claude Killy in their movie. What big stars have cameos in your low-budget ski comedy musical? Oh, you've never made a low-budget ski comedy musical? Bwa ha ha!

Ridiculously, after that brief scene at the copter, there's another musical number. This is punishing. Did Sondheim write this? It's wall-to-wall music. Mitchell inserts all these shots of people snapping their fingers and wiggling around, to let us know we're supposed to find this entertaining. "You're finding Copper Mountain an enjoyable experience, viewer! Such as you might engage in on a frosty mountain morning while oversized reflective shades and a yellow headband."

(There's an insert of a dork picking up his skis and playing them like a guitar! I wonder what ever became of this man, who played DORK WITH SKIS #1 in Copper Mountain. Is he still alive? Did he proudly tell family and friends to go see the film and look for him?)

I notice that Ronnie Hawkins didn't even hang around for the remainder of the concert scenes. He's back in the lodge, most likely drinking himself into oblivion, trying to avoid having to hear Jim Carrey's wacky take on Jim J. Bullock.

Okay, so it has been 50 minutes and there's still no story. I guess it's just not going to happen at all, and I should just resign myself to that fact now. What did Mitchell imagine would keep our attention? Shots of skiing? Jim Carrey's loopy, somewhat-similar impressions of megastars like Bruce Dern? Cheesy music?

Speaking of music, there's a sequence in which Alan Thicke watches some guys skiing when we hear two different songs on the soundtrack at the same time. There's an instrumental score playing in the background and then some '80s pop song being played above that. The effect is bizarre and disorienting, like a Fiery Furnaces song without all that messy melody and genius. Hey, Dave...Two songs at the same time isn't, like, twice as good as one song. It's noise. Also, I hope you die.

Thicke wins a big race, and just as he's about to pass the finish line, the announcer says, "Oh, it's going to be a fun race indeed!" That's just...strange. Can he not see the action? Are we hearing his comments on some kind of delay? Is he as bored as me, and just skipping ahead to the next race?

I almost CAN'T keep watching this movie because of the double-soundtrack thing. There's seriously TWO SONGS playing with two entirely different tempos at the same time for 15 full minutes.

Anyway, Carrey wipes out bigtime on the slopes and inadvertently meets two sexy ladies. He takes them to...wait for it...A ROCK SHOW STARRING RONNIE HAWKINS! OH, GREAT!

And, at just under 60 minutes, we roll credits. Thank God. Why is this a movie? Who thought there was enough material here for a movie? I demand answers!

Do We Still Have to Let Them Vote?

Hundreds of angry Virginians called their State Election Board today to find out why their polling places weren't open, apparently unaware that their state does not vote on Super Tuesday. (So, really, how Super could it be?) This is almost as bad as the anti-war Republicans who voted for the crotchety 100-year-old warmonger. (Carl Reiner and John McCain should really take the "Crotchety 100-Year-Old Warmonger" routine on the road if this whole presidential thing doesn't work out...)

For some reason, people hear that everyone across America is doing something, anything, and they want to do it to. "What? Meet the Spartans is the #1 comedy in America? Let's go right now! I do not find that kind of comedy lazy at all! Instead, I find references to Chris Crocker's YouTube videos witty and inventive!"