Invasion of the Jihadi Snatchers

My thanks go out to every sarcastic liberal on the Internet (but particularly Tbogg and Sadly, No) for bringing this hilarious and yet also disturbing post to my attention.

A Delusional Nerd Coalition, calling itself the 910 Group (because the acronym DNC is already taken), has posted a call to arms against Muslamonazism on a blog called Gates of Vienna. The blog title, by the way, references the 1963 Battle of Vienna, the first major battle of the Great Turkish War and a turning point in the struggle between the Ottoman Empire and Central European monarchies. So, these people think of themselves as the "Gates of Vienna," the only thing standing between "Christian" Europe and the foreign (in this case, Turk) hordes.

It gives the whole blog kind of a Race War-Bill the Butcher-xenophobia vibe that I, for one, quite enjoy.

And that's just the blog's name. The author of this post calls himself Baron Bodissey, which sounds like a character in a British gay porn film but which is actually a reference to a character in novels by Jack Vance. But while Vance's Baron Bodissey has been known to say:

[On religious wars] of all wars, these are the most detestable, since they are waged for no tangible gain, but only to impose a set of arbitrary credos on another.

...his online counterpart is just itching for a Clash of Civilizations.

The Coalition to Preserve Civilization

by Baron Bodissey

The Great Islamic Jihad is certain that Western Civilization is about to come to an end.

The Great Islamic what? Doesn't he mean the Crimson Jihad?


The Great Islamic Jihad will continue smuggling nuclear weaopns into your cities by storing them inside cumbersome Persian statuary until our demands are met!

Islamic Fascism looks forward to the rule of the new Caliphate, in which the whole world will swear submission to Allah and bow five times a day towards Mecca.

Authoritarian religious nuts trying to force everyone to worship exactly like them? Thank goodness we don't have anyone like that in America.

But even as this beast tears at our throats, a new defensive force is being born, a determination to preserve all that is good and right and true within the Western world. Even as we are abandoned by our leaders, by the sophists in our academies, and by the propagandists of our major media, ordinary people are connecting with one another, and are ready to stand up and defeat those who would destroy us.

Baron Buttmunchausen thus far hasn't given us any indication of what he means by "The Great Islamic Jihad" or "Islamic Fascism" or "this beast" that's tearing "at our throats." Does he mean Sunni Muslims? The Shia government of Iran? American Muslims like Brandon Mayfield and Representative-Elect Keith Ellison?

My guess? He means Muslims of Middle-Eastern descent.

(By the by, his use of the term "sophists" to refer to university academics is projection. This is an apolitical, ahistorical rant that contains little to do evidence or even corroboration. Thus, it's a textbook example of sophistry. He hopes that by making the most passionate, angry, vehement anti-Muslim screed possible, he can win a few recruits to his cause. As in sophistry, rhetoric trumps reality.)

Still, it's kind of hard to take a political manifesto seriously when it's calling for all-out war against a vague enemy like "Islamic Fascism." Last I checked, there weren't any Middle-Eastern governments that could technically be referred to that way, and fascism is, in fact, a system of government as opposed to a personal philosophy.

Here in the 910 Group this force is symbolized by the Phoenix, reborn from the ashes of the World Trade Center in order to resist the onslaught of Islamofascism.

Yes, they have an Official Bird. And a logo. Sure, maybe it seems a bit premature, but hey, these Internet Dorks are battling fascism, okay? They have to do everything in their power to prevail, even if that means staying up until the wee hours with MS Paint.



Shouldn't it be the 912 Group? They don't want us to return to that deadly pre-9/11 mindset, before the very mention of the word fatwa sent us all into a pant-wetting frenzy of screeching, tooth-gnashing terror. They want us all to feel like it's permanently 9/12 - victimized, angry and afraid, like a cornered animal fearing imminent death.

Unless I've just missed the meaning entirely, and it's some kind of "Star Trek" reference. (The number of times the Baron has rubbed one out thinking about Seven-of-Nine?)

Synergy and synchronicity are at work here.

Oh, well, synergy and synchronicity? Never mind, then. Forget I said anything.

The 910 Group was initiated in the comments on a Gates of Vienna post and is barely two months old. Yet it is growing incredibly rapidly, and is much larger than all of us.

"But, Baron, what exactly does the 910 Group actually do?"

"What do they do? What don't they do!? Oh, they do so many things--they never stop. Oh, the things they do there, my stars!"



We are an international movement, with members in India, the UK, New Zealand, Australia, Denmark, Norway, and Canada, as well as the U.S.A. We comprise a self-selected group of people who share common goals:

(1) To determine once and for all who shot first, Han or Greedo.

to oppose Islamic Fascism wherever it threatens us, and to promote the emergence of liberty in all the dark corners of the planet where ordinary people are degraded and oppressed.

These guys use the term Islamic Fascism so frequently and in so many different circumstances, they have now robbed it of any meaning it might have had. What is it and where does it threaten us? To my mind, the only group you could even remotely think of as being both Islamic and Fascist would be Muqtada al-Sadr's army (though as a militia with government and international alliances, I doubt it meets the strict political science use of the term).

And if the Baron is 100% committed to opposing Islamic Fascism wherever it threatens us, and defines "Islamic Fascism" as the army of al-Sadr, I'd suggest immediate enlistment, because there are immediate opportunities for membership in an American fighting force doing that very thing. As he seems unwilling to do so, there's really no reason to take the rest of his "manifesto" seriously...He's interested only in spewing angry, warmongering, barely-coherent rhetoric, not in actually doing anything.

A new “network of networks” has formed under the 910 umbrella, and now another synchronicity has opened the door to a larger alliance, one that calls itself The Coalition to Preserve Civilization. The rallying cry for this new group is a speech by Senator Rick Santorum from October 30th, 2006. Sen. Santorum’s speech is entitled “The Gathering Storm of the 21st Century”, and is posted at To The Point News.

BOO-YAH!

That's the mark of a truly worthless fictional organization. It takes as its rallying cry a speech by SOON-TO-BE-FORMER SENATOR RICK SANTORUM!

Which speech is that, Baron? The one where he compared the Iraq War to the super-exciting climax of Peter Jackson's Gay Hobbit Fantasia? Or the one where he claimed to have the really-really-real evidence of Saddam's massive WMD stockpile?

That is our choice: we can win or lose, but we cannot opt out and walk away from the greatest threat and most resistant threat this country has ever faced. --Little Ricky Santorum

Think about this for a second. These people think that al-Qaida is the greatest and most resistant threat this country has ever faced. More pernicious than Hitler's Germany and Hirohito's Japan. More deadly than a British Army at the height of its imperial power. More potentially tragic than the divide between North and South that seriously threatened to split the young nation in twain.

What is this based on? One terrorist attack pulled off by a bunch of crazed fundamentalists? Timothy McVeigh blew up a smaller building, but no one was spouting off about how angry rednecks were directly bringing about the end of Western Civilization. I can think of only two explanations for this kind of full-throated, delusional rhetoric:

(1) Both Lame Duck Senator Rick Santorum and Baron von Warporn suffer from undiagnosed paranoid schizophrenia, causing hallucinations in which Middle-Eastern men sneak into their homes, fondle their wives, pinch from their stash and eat all the leftovers in the fridge without asking.

(2) Both NEARLY-UNEMPLOYED UNIVERSALLY DESPISED EX-SENATOR Rick Santorum and Commandant Asstard are xenophobes who dislike and fear Middle-Easterners for personal reasons, then attempt to rally others to their cause, in the eventual hopes that our country will declare larger war on the religion of Islam.

And you thought it was only Charlie Manson who dreamt about Race War. Silly rabbit...

Wait, I was about to wrap this post up, but I still haven't had my original question answered: what exactly will Club 910 actually do?

This is primarily an information war, fought via the television screens and computer networks across the entire globe. The enemy is very adept at it, and has a head start. But the Islamists lack our major advantages: originality, flexibility, technical innovation, and a tradition of free enquiry. These are the skills we will use to build our networks and destroy theirs.

Oh, blog posts. Gotcha.